Chapter 201

These are compliments of John Z

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY

... and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

Straight up

Ambidextrous Lady Golfer

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay". She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

This one is compliments of Paul

Another Lawyer joke

What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?

One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.

This one is compliments of Wino

What do you call a lawyer buried to his neck in sand?

A severe shortage of sand.

This one is compliments of Gary

What do you get when you cut 500 bras in half?

1000 beanies with chin-straps.

These are compliments of Needle Noddle-noo

I feel stupid. I lost the pub trivia quiz on the last question last night.

The question was, "Where do woman have the curliest hair?"

Apparently, the answer is Fiji.

A priest booked into a motel and said, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

The girl behind the counter said, "No, it's just normal porn, you sick bastard."

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized seven blokes then dropped the mike on his foot and said "F#*k me."

What happened next will haunt me forever.