Chapter 18

Compliments of M. Child, all of them ... I'm not the only one with a disturbed mind!!!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of

Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 7- points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then ... the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He was awarded an A.

As I was lying in bed last night pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's rear. It's the tortoise life for me!

1 ... If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2 ... A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3 ... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4 ... A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 45- years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones

I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

1-. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

2-. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE... ??????999

Some of you may have read this one before but it is worth a repeat

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.