Chapter 171

This is one compliments of John Z.

5 Year Old Son

He was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up Bob?" asked the bartender.

"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my five year old son..." the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that," continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"It's not," said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms."

This one is compliments of Bob

Life's Demerit System

... In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)

It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-20)

Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

(Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

You give any other response. (-40)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)