Chapter 153

This one is compliments of john...

Sign in Psychiatrist's waiting room: You don't need to be insane to see me, but it does help.

Sign in the local Optometrist's window: If you can read this sign we don't need to make an appointment.

What is the difference between a cop car and a pineapple?
On a pineapple the pricks are on the outside.

Mummy, mummy, where is daddy?
Shut up and keep filling in the hole.

This one is compliments of Dennis

MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT

1. You are not a superman

2. If it's stupid, but works, it's not stupid.

3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

5. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

6. Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.

7. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

8. No plan survives the first contact intact.

9. All five second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.

10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.

11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

13. The important things are always simple.

14. The simple things are always hard.

15. The easy way is always mined.

16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.

17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

18. Incoming fire has the right of way.

19. Friendly fire – isn't.

20. If the enemy is in range, "'SO ARE YOU".

21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

22. Beer math is: two beers times 37 men = 49 cases.

23. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.

24. Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.

25. Anything you do can get you shot – including doing nothing.

26. Tracers work both ways.

27. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

28. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

29. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.

30. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

31. Murphy was a grunt.

These are compliments of chuck

SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER WARNING!

DO NOT wash your hair in the shower! It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. A WARNING TO US ALL!

Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and yet printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish washing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

The Proper Way To Call Someone A Bastard

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."