Chapter 148

These are compliments of Paul

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.

Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.

Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!

That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next crap could spell disaster.

Went out last night and got really wasted.

I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.

The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"