Chapter 144

This one is compliments of Rhinebeck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Elko County. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Nevada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Elko County. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.

'"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three KickRule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

This one is compliments of kilocycles

Excuse me

A man enters a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

This one is complements of R L

A little boy walks into a whorehouse with a murderous look on his face and a dead frog in his hands and asks, "I want a whore with herpes."

The madam looks at the boy and says,"We don't have any of those around here, kid."

The boy is not to be deterred, and screams, "I WANT A WHORE WITH HERPES!"

The madam decides that it's gonna be easier to just give the boy what he wants and leads him to a room in the back where there is indeed one of that description.

After a while, the boy comes back looking momentarily mollified but still a little pissed, still clutching the dead frog. So the madam asks him why he made such a strange request.

And the boy replies, "When I go home today evening, my folks are gonna go out and leave me with a babysitter, and I'm gonna fuck the babysitter. Then my folks are gonna come home and my dad's gonna drive the babysitter home and he's gonna fuck the babysitter. Then he's gonna come back home and go to bed and he's gonna fuck my mom. And tomorrow morning, my dad's gonna go off to work and the postman's gonna come home and my mom's gonna fuck the postman. AND HE'S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO STEPPED ON MY FROG!"