Chapter 133

When Insults Had Class...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.