Chapter 12

Call Jesus

As I was driving home yesterday, worrying about all the stuff going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, etc., and how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

This is a contribution from Dennis

A priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while of talking about their day the priest asked the rabbi, "Are you still prohibited from eating pork?"

The Rabbi replied "yes, we have strict dietary restrictions."

The Priest thought for a minute and then asked,

"Well, have you ever eaten pork?" the Rabbi replied "yes, when I was a teenager I had a ham sandwich on a dare."

After a bit the Rabbi asked the priest "are you still required to be celibate?"

The Priest replied "Oh yes, we are very strict about that!"

The Rabbi then asked, "well, have you ever had sex?"

The priest replied "Yes, when I was a teenager before my calling I had a girlfriend and we did have sex."

The rabbi thought for a minute and then said "Sure beats a ham sandwich don't it?"

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted Beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good Shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading A book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her Swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did You know that was what I needed?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

This one is dated but oh well...

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

* 1/3 ownership in the store,

* a company pickup truck,

* a king size bed and

* $3,000 a month in living expenses."