Chapter 115

Here are some wry bits of wisdom for all of you.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have white hair, I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!

And, of course ... Have I sent this to you already ... or did you send this to me?

This is compliments of Dorsetmike

Daddy daddy, why do I keep walking in circles?????

Shaddup else I'll nail yer other foot to the floor

Daddy daddy can I go and play with the other kids??? Shaddup and deal!

Daddy daddy can I play with grandma????? Nah, you dug her up 3 times already!

'This one is compliments of JZD'

THE VIRGIN HONEYMOON

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern

Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow ... right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:

"How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance,

Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay.

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave da' splint on dere as long as you can.

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided splint, and taped it all together ... quite an impressive work of art.

Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena. They got married and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth.

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said:

"Olaf ... you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez!!

Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:

"Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"