Chapter 8

For the first few seconds after she told me, I couldn't perceive anything. For all I knew, I couldn't see, think, or hear. My mind refused to process what I had just heard. In retrospect, I guess I should have been grateful to Nicole. What she just told me seemed to render my problems unimportant.

"He what?!" I finally managed to ask.

Nicole shrugged. "Phil kissed me." She said, a little bit too emotionlessly.

"I thought you ... I didn't know ... Were you..." I managed to say. This caused Nicole to gave me a soft chuckle.

"Oh, come on, you big baby." She remarked. "It's not that bad."

"But I didn't know you liked him or anything." I replied. "I didn't know you wanted him to kiss you!"

Nicole shifted where she was standing uncomfortably.

Within a second it dawned on me. "He kissed you without your consent, didn't he?"

Nicole was trying to make a point (whether it was to me or to herself, I wasn't sure) of not showing any emotion whatsoever. Wordlessly, with a blank face, she shrugged.

"You should have told him something! Are you okay?" I asked persistently.

"Yeah, of course I'm okay, squirt." she replied flatly.

"Why didn't you say anything to him after?" I asked her, coming a bit closer to her.

Again, she shrugged. "I dunno. It's like, I didn't want him to, but I never said it was bad either."

"Well, did you like it after?" I asked. For some reason, I didn't want her to say yes.

She shrugged yet again. "I dunno." She repeated.

Apparently I had to do all of the talking. "So ... What's going to happen? Are you two gonna stay friends?"

Nicole shrugged again. Her shrugging actually got to me by this point. "Well, like, it did kinda feel..." she trailed off.

"Feel what?" I asked her. "He kissed you without making sure you were even okay with it. Why didn't you just shut him down?"

"I dunno." She replied. Her shoulders were going inwards at this point. She was clearly uncomfortable.

"He didn't threaten you or anything, did he?" I asked her.

Her eyes shot straight up at mine. "No! No, nothing like that."

"Then what? I asked her.

"I didn't say I didn't like it, okay?" She blurted out angrily, then immediately softened. "I just ... I dunno how to feel right now. I just don't."

The most important thing I took from that was that Nicole was upset. Without a second thought, I walked up to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked up from the ground into my eyes with an unsure look on her face. Seconds later, we were wrapped in a tight hug.

"You going to be okay?" I asked her sympathetically.

"Oh, shut it." She replied angerlessly. We stayed in the hug, unmoving, until she decided to speak again. "I just ... Look, I don't know my own feelings right now, okay?" She broke off the hug. "Phil asked me out for next Tuesday night, a week from now. I haven't answered yet, but ... I dunno."

"Do what you feel is right and I'll support you." I told her seriously.

"I know, dumbass." She replied. "I just ... I dunno. I dunno how to feel. He forced himself on me. He kissed me without me being okay with it. I shouldn't wanna do this."

"It's okay." Was all I could think to respond.

She gave me a sarcastic smile. "Thanks, I feel so much better." She dryly replied.

I shrugged. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know what to make of the situation.

We stood in silence with the music echoing throughout the room for a solid ten seconds before Nicole spoke up again. "So ... I wasn't the only one with news. What's up?"

Oh, crap. I wasn't sure whose news was worse for me. Suddenly, I really didn't want to tell her, and looked around at the room, as if something could have saved me from telling her. Recognizing defeat after realizing there was no other option, I spoke up, not quite knowing how to begin.

"Well ... Okay, well..." I nervously began. Nicole was obviously impatient, but being a good sport, kept up an attentive face as I struggled. "Well, May, she ... She kissed me today too."

"Woah, twinsies!" Nicole blurted out. She didn't smile at first, but after holding her hand out for a high five, let a small one slip. "You earned it, hotshot. Up top!"

"Yeah, well..." I started nervously.

Nicole lowered her hand. "What? Now you got guilt? Yeah, you were shallow, but you got her now, dude. Just treat her right and you'll forgive yourself. Just don't be a prick again."

"Well..." My word of the day. "Right after I did, Megan ... Well, she was her kiss me and confronted us ... She said everything ... She saw us, Nicole, she fucking saw us!"

I was breathily heavily at this point, worrying that my panic attacks might be making a comeback. Nicole's expression, however, showed only confusion. Clearly what I just explained and what was in my head were two different things. With a few intakes of air, I slowed down and explained everything. Nicole sighed when my explanation was over. "Oh, boy." She said, her tone deciding not to show where she was going to go next.

"Squirt, let me level with you..." She began calmly, but lost that calmness immediately. "What were you thinking?! I told you to NOT be the asshole who hurts her. I'm not even sorry you lost May. You deserve it."

Fuck. That was the last thing I wanted to hear right now. With a tiny voice, I managed to ask, "Why... ?"

"Do you even listen, Adam? When a girl is upset, you comfort her. If Megan was avoiding you, that was a clear sign to approach her and make sure she was okay. This whole thing could have been avoided if you just showed a little kindness." She gave me a look of bitter disgust. "For once. Plus, if one girl blows you one week, don't get another girl to do something with you the next. It's common fucking knowledge."

We stood in continued music-filled silence before Nicole got fed up with the CD player and shut it off. She sighed, calming down yet still angry. "I forgave you too quickly last time." She faced me, malice in her eyes. "My mistake. If you're going to keep treating girls like crap, I don't want to hang out with you. Go find your own ride home."

I couldn't protest, I couldn't speak. I could only look into her eyes, which I found to be cold and empty. I didn't get to look at them for long before she turned around and promptly left the weight room.

Shit. Before realizing what I was doing, I was running after her.

"Nicole, wait! Please, wait!" I pleaded as I ran down the hallway. A couple of seniors responded to what they could only presume as a bad breakup or a couple's fight, and gave me an "Oooooh!" of public shaming as I approached her.

"Look, Adam." Nicole started, still walking. "I want you to learn your lesson. Just ... We can talk later, okay? Just not now."

I grabbed her by the arm. "Nicole, everything's been shot to hell for me today. I lost everyone else who matters to me. Please don't tell me I'm losing you too." I could feel tears coming on, but I held them back.

Nicole, unexpectedly, stifled a laugh. "Woah there, William Shatner." She said sarcastically. "I used to think high school drama wasn't a real thing. Now I see why it exists. Quit being so melodramatic, it's not like I'm saying goodbye to you forever or anything. I just want you to learn, and I want you to know when you fucked up. And guess what?" She paused, stopped walking, and leaned in close to my face. "You fucked up." she whispered.

She leaned back and gave me a small smile, but this smile simply said 'You know I'm right' and had no warmth behind it. "Now please let go of my arm." she told me. "Find your own ride home, and think about what you've done. I'm not going to forgive you this time until you actually see what you've done."

"But Megan was ... I..." I blubbered.

Nicole sighed. "I swear, I'm going to hang myself before you understand what 'consequences' are." She shook herself free from my arm with one jerk. "Bye, Adam. I'm trusting you to talk to me when you accept that you're only human."

With that, she walked away. With Megan, it stung; with May, it hurt, but with Nicole, I couldn't bear to face what just happened because Nicole always spoke the truth. I kept trying to deny it to myself, but at least to someone else, what I did was wrong.

I sighed aloud, not even caring who around me was staring and making their own backstory for Nicole and I at this point. I made for the main hall, sat down on one of the benches and buried my face in my hands, thinking about nothing and everything. I couldn't even think about what had just happened, or who was the enemy, or whether I ACTUALLY fucked up. I could only sit there, every few minutes reminding me I should probably call my mom so that when she was done work in a few hours, she could pick me up. I never got the energy to do it.

"You alright?" Came a voice. I looked up to see the same senior from earlier, who broke up the inevitable fight between May and I. He had unusually long, kind of frizzy brown hair, and a face that showed perplexity as opposed to concern. I never noticed it before, but the guy wore all black.

"I'm fine." I lied. "Missed the bus."

The senior raised his eyebrows. "Not your day, is it?" He looked at his watch and made a motion. "Come on. I'll give you a ride."

"You don't even know where I live!" I replied.

"It's a long walk to my car. You can explain the route to me." He retorted. "Would you like a ride?"

I had been so used to Nicole's forceful attitude that a question asking my permission kind of caught me off guard. "Um ... y-yes." I said nervously.

"Alrighty! Let's go mobile!" He said with a small smile, walking down the hallway. He waited for me to catch up with him, then proceeded to walk down the hallway.

"So, ready to tell me the story now?" He asked me, alluding to the situation with Megan earlier. I groaned out loud (without meaning to) and shook my head.

"I don't really see how it concerns you." I simply said, eyeing the floor.

The senior laughed. "Want me to introduce myself? That might clear a thing or two up."

I shot him a confused look before nodding. He stopped in the middle of the hallway and outstretched his hand. Gingerly, I shook it. "Paul Stevens." He smugly declared. I had all but a heart attack as I realized the implications of his last name. Still in the handshake, he leaned in and grinned. "Couldn't you just die?"

He released my hand and laughed to himself. "Don't worry, don't worry." he clarified. "I'm not mad or anything. If anything, I'm curious. I just want the story." He continued walking, and I followed.

"So you're May's brother?" I asked him.

"Cousin, actually." He clarified once again. "We actually don't talk all that much."

"But in the hallway ... You talked to her like you don't even know her! You said, 'I don't know who-'"

"Check your memory." He interrupted. "I said I didn't know who you are, which is partially correct. Apart from karate, I'd never seen you before. But I've definitely seen May before." He paused for effect. "Did you hear what you hear? Did you see what you see? You only heard what you believed you were hearing, without expecting the unknown. It's called scotoma."

It was cool being taught a lesson by literally everyone who walked into my life, but I frankly wasn't ready for feel-good 90s-sitcom-Hell right now. "I don't care about scotoma." I replied bitterly.

"I don't care much for driving." He retorted with another smug expression. "Ready to tell me the story now?"

It really didn't involve him, and I wasn't a fan of how he talked like the world's most pretentious philosopher. I just shrugged in response as he walked up to his car, a terrible-looking Dodge Caravan.

I was expecting him to hold my silence against me. "You still going to drive me home?" I asked.

He shrugged. "It's the right thing to do. It's amazing how many people forget how people are human beings. Now where do you live?"

I gave him my address and he cocked his head. "You might have to give me directions ... I've never been there."

The only things I said to him on the ride home were directions. Occasionally he would ask me a question that was obviously linked to the event that took place this afternoon, and I ignored it. He didn't seem to mind.

"I assume this is your place?" He finally asked me. I nodded and he pulled right into the driveway.

"Alrighty, glad to see you got home safe." He said warmly.

"Yeah." I replied and opened the door, undoing the seatbelt and grabbing my backpack. I was halfway out of the car as he spoke again.

"And don't worry." He added. "You're not the first, and definitely not the last, to be rejected by Nicole. Don't take it personally."

I stopped right where I was, and looked back at him. He took this as a sign and nodded sympathetically. After staring at him for a bit, I got back in the car with him. "What do you mean?" I asked as I closed the door.

He laughed and shut the car off. "Now you're interested, huh?" He commented dryly, leaning his car seat back. "Yuppers. Ever since Jeff Love broke it off with her a year ago, she hasn't been with a guy since."

I thought back to that conversation she and I shared on the way to May's house. That quickly turned into me remembering her telling me not to be an asshole to May, and I immediately flushed it from my mind. "She's never had sex with anyone since?" I asked.

"Woah!" He gave me an incredulous look. "Wow, grade nines move fast these days. When I was your age, I don't think I knew that sex existed." I rolled my eyes. He was only three years older than me. "That's not what I meant. I meant she never had a boyfriend since. It's like he broke her, though things got worse for her this September. Not sure why."

Mitch. That was why.

"I'm sure she's had sex since Jeff." He continued. "I don't blame you for not knowing since you're a grade nine and all, but if word around the school is to be believed, she's kind of a slut."

"She's not." Was all I replied.

He chuckled. "That's cute of you to think that, but believe me, she is. It's not a bad thing inherently to be a slut, but that's what she is. Even so, guys upon guys have been asking her out, wanting a more emotional connection, and she's rejected every one."

"Including you?" I asked.

He laughed again. "Nope. I know my level, and it's certainly not hers. I'm not what you call a popular guy. You think a guy with this kind of hair is popular?"

He kind of looked like a more unkempt version of Tarzan, dressed like a goth - all black. What a weirdo. I shrugged.

"But I see that as my advantage. I'm the eye in the sky. When you're popular, you're the center of attention. But I'm not, so I can observe whoever I want, and do what I want, without being noticed. Nicole is a fascinating one. Then again, so is Jerome..."

"What's your point?" I asked him impatiently.

"Point? Didn't realize I had one. The closest thing I have to a point is, don't be disappointed. It's not you. Nicole is most likely never going to sleep with you."

I stifled a laugh.

"Plus, you didn't hear this from me, but she is going to crash and burn someday. She can keep her insecurities close to her throughout high school, but one day, she's going to blow, and nobody short of someone who does it for a living can save her at this point." He continued. "Especially someone who goes after one girl one minute, then another the next." He smiled at me, challenging me.

"That's not how it happened!" I protested.

"Then how did it happen?" He asked, grinning.

"Megan and I had a thing, and a few weeks later, May confessed she liked me. Megan showed up, said a lot of out-of-context stuff. That's all."

Paul was nodding until a thought struck him, leaving him with a confused look on his face. "Where does Nicole come into this?"

"What do you care?" I asked him, though less angrily at this point.

"I'm curious." He replied with a shrug. "Everyone has a story. You're under no obligation to tell me yours, but I'm listening."

I sighed. "We're just friends." I replied. "She got pissed with me over how the whole Megan and May thing blew up."

"And May's own favorite cousin isn't even annoyed. Refreshing, isn't it?" He leaned back into his chair and grinned at me.

I paused. "You're her only cousin, aren't you?"

"Yup." He replied, then laughed. I joined in.

"Feel better?" He asked me after a silence.

"Nicole doesn't wanna talk to me." I admitted.

"Well, guessing Nicole's morale, I think she wants you to take something from this." Paul said thoughtfully. "Nicole's sense of justice may not always be right, but god damn is it strong. She's the type of person I could see in those women and gender studies classes in the future."

I nodded.

"She might be right." He continued.

"Huh?"

"Look at you. No offense, you're a little bit of a mess because one friend won't talk to you. Let me guess, you didn't have many friends in the past, did you?"

I shook my head no. "How are you doing this?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "I want to be a psychologist when I'm older. Y'know, solve people's problems from the inside."

"Okay." I said. "So what should I do?"

"I'm no expert, but I think a little time away from her might do you well, to be honest. It sounds like you're overly dependent on her, and that can lead to little individuality in your future. Be your own person and accept the time to yourself."

I was listening, but I wasn't sure if that applied to me. It was at that moment that it dawned on me how emotionally tired I was, to the point where I stopped caring about anything. As a result, I shrugged and opened the door again.

"You live near here?" I asked, trying to make little conversation as I exited the car.

"Nope!" He replied. "I actually live on the other side of the school."

" ... Wasn't this out of your way then?" I asked. "Like, twenty minutes out of your way? Forty going back?"

He shrugged. "You needed a ride home!" He said nonchalantly.

I smiled. What he did was genuinely sweet. "Thanks for the ride, Paul." I told him.

"No worries." He smiled back. "Hope everything goes well. Later!"

Yeah, everything going well. Good one. I sighed as I watched the car disappear from view, then with another sigh, walked towards my home. Paul's speech helped a bit, but no amount of pretentious philosophy could change the fact that the three most important girls in my life were gone, indefinitely. To say that sucked would have been an understatement, like saying Amelia Earhart was a little lost.

Hey I texted to Carson, hoping to find some comfort in just about the one friend I had left.

Hey buddy! You need to step up your game ;) Came the reply. It certainly wasn't the response I was expecting.

What? I simply asked him in response.

Guess who managed to secure another date with May? ;)

Well then. Fucking well then. That was hypocrisy if I ever saw it. Sure, May, by all means get mad at me and then turn around and do the exact same thing. I was tempted to text back what May had done with me just today, but after readying the message I thought, why? What would that do except prove that I was no better than Megan? With the umpteenth sigh I made that day, I texted back Way to go, dude!, put the phone down and pulled out my homework.

The week that went by afterwards was something between awkward and hell. Keeping my stupid promise to Paul, I avoided talking to Nicole, and skipped out on karate sessions just to avoid being seen with her. I'm not really sure why, but I kept going to the gym, though. It meant being picked up late from school by my parents, but I still felt the need to do it.

However, I couldn't avoid seeing her the next Monday, when we had our student council meeting. Classes went by extra slowly that day, to the point where all of my teachers made some kind of comment on it, with the exception of Mrs. Jackson. Mr. Carrozza's was one of concern, Mr. Graves seemed impatient or angry that I wasn't paying attention and asked me to explain myself after class, and Mr. Salvador told me straight-up that I could not be sad, since I was 'letting my emotions get in the way of drama.' Embarrassingly, he said this in front of the whole class. When he did, May gave me a look, which was odd for two reasons. Number one, it wasn't a very warm or kind expression, but I couldn't place exactly what the look reflected. Number two, it was the first time she even looked in my direction since Tuesday.

When the bell went, I immediately groaned. Well, here goes, I thought to myself as I envisioned Nicole's cold, empty gaze and shuddered.

"Alright, that's the bell." Mr. Salvador called out to the crowd as students began to file out of the auditorium. "Adam, could you please stay behind?"

Crap. Everyone else in the aud left while giving me judgmental looks, while I, with little energy, trudged back to the stage area to face Mr. Salvador.

"Take a seat." He told me. I complied.

He waited for a few seconds, then gestured outwards with his arms. "What's going on?" He asked me calmly.

I sighed. "Just a bunch of stuff. It doesn't matter."

He gave a soft chuckle in response, but it didn't seem all that friendly. "It matters when your attitude is disrupting the energy of the class!" He replied. "Drama is about commitment. It's about leaving your ego outside. It's a lot more than just putting on an act. And the act that you're putting on right now is pretty poor."

I simply hung my head, without even bothering to challenge him.

He continued. "When one person has lower energy, it lowers the energy of the whole class. You're really undermining drama right now, and I need you to stop that."

I sighed. There was no way I could contest him without looking like more of an asshat than I already definitely looked.

"That said..." He continued. "If there is something bothering you, and you would like to share it, this school is equipped with people who can help you. Is this a bad day, or has this been going on for a while?"

The conversation felt weird to say the least. I felt very vulnerable in front of Mr. Salvador. My go-to reaction to this was to defend myself, maybe try to even the status quo or even shift it in my favor. But a part of me also liked this vulnerability I was feeling.

"While." I lamely answered.

He nodded. "Well, whatever it is, for your sake, I hope it clears up soon, because we can't continue like this." He eyed me seriously. "You understand that, right?"

"Yes." I answered, wanting to answer with power, but still lamely.

"Good." He replied. "My office is in the basement next to the Choir room if you ever need to chat. I'm usually here until six or seven, depending on the workload."

I always took Mr. Salvador as some kind of family-oriented man, especially given how he was definitely past the casual dating years.The idea that he was single never really struck me, but the idea that he went home at around seven led me to believe he was either single or a bad husband.

"Okay." I replied, glad this conversation was closing. "Thanks." I slung my backpack over my shoulder and left, not even bothering to look at him as I left. "Take care!"

As I power-walked through the hallway, I checked my watch. I thought I was going to be awfully late for the meeting, but in actuality, I found that I would be right on time.

I felt a change in the atmosphere when I entered. Nicole, who normally gave me at the very least a chipper wave, was making it painfully obvious she was looking in every direction but mine. Megan had her head down - not sobbing, but definitely sad. Next to her sat the normally kind-faced Matt, who instead had his face twisted into a frown and was slowly shaking his head menacingly at me, one arm over his younger sister's shoulder. Phil paused whatever idle chatter he was partaking in when I walked through the door, eyeing me up and down with a completely blank expression. No one else seemed to know what was going on, but the room still became more silent when I entered. As the noise died down, more eyes, some unkind, some confused, fell upon me. Hating the spotlight more than ever, I found a seat and quietly sat down.

As soon as I did, total silence swept over the meeting. No one dared say a word, even though about 80% of the people there had no clue why it was so silent. Phil cleared his throat and began awkwardly. "Alright, great, everyone's here. Thank you all for showing up. Now ... uh..." he began fumbling with his words. "Before we start, I just want to shed some light on some new developments. I hate to bring public attention to this, but it's important that we function as a team, and as efficiently as possible."

Worry crept into me and started eating me out from the inside. What the hell was this all about? I could only pray that the situation I was involved in wasn't going to become larger than it already was.

"Adam..."

Shit. Shit shit shit. I don't get how this whole thing could have blown up so fast. It was a blowjob, that's it. Hell, a blowjob she asked to give me. I didn't even get how it was possible to make such a big deal out of it.

"We understand that you're having some personal conflicts with Megan Schneider."

"Personal conflicts?!" Matt roared, standing up. "The guy made her blow him, made her feel like a sex object after, then was caught by her doing the same thing to another girl just a week later! This is my baby sister we're talking about here!"

"Sit down, Matt." Phil replied with a tired-of-this-shit voice. However, the words remained in my head. Do the same with May? Now that I considered it, Megan had no idea I even had a crush on May. I guess it did make a little sense that she thought I just wanted sex out of May ... Though I never really just wanted sex out of Megan.

That's what this whole damn thing was. One person's misunderstanding after another. Megan misunderstood how to win me over, I misunderstood her true intentions, Megan misunderstood why I was with May, May misunderstood the true story of our past, and here I was, in a room full of people who were about to take the misunderstanding to the next level.

I couldn't let that happen. I cleared my throat. "Uh, Phil, could I please set things straight for the record?"

"I can't let you do that, Adam." Phil responded sternly. "If you want to work things out, work them out with her." He pointed to Megan.

"But if you don't let me explain, everyone here is going to judge us for things we didn't do. They're going to make up stories, they're going to think we did things we didn't, and think we are people we aren't!" I protested.

"Alrighty then." Phil challenged me, narrowing his eyes. "Great. You want them to have the facts?" He walked over to the table in front of me and put his palms down on the table, leaning in to face me.

"Let's start with how you were in a classroom after hours receiving oral sex. Something both parties should know is against the rules!" He aimed his last statement at Megan too. "Or how about how you didn't check to make sure you knew what you were getting into. Or making her feel used afterwards, without so much as a 'sorry, ' even after you saw her upset. Or not talking to her for a good solid week afterwards, not caring if she was still upset. Just as long as Adam Watson got his blowjob..."

That was the limit. "At least I asked for her consent before doing anything with her, rather than just doing whatever I want to Nicole without even making sure she was okay with it first!" I yelled into his face.

A few scattered gasps filled the room. The tension was unbelievable. Stupidly, I continued. "Yeah, I know about that. I know all about how even though Mr. President is talking up quite a storm, he still can't handle it when he doesn't get what he wants, so he takes it, whether or not she's okay or even comfortable with it."

I felt light-headed. I was challenging the most powerful person in the whole school, and I was winning. Phil's look was stuck on furious, but his eyes showed what he truly felt at that moment: fear. He leaned back slightly, and didn't say a word, palms still on the desk. He broke eye contact with me, and it was like a spell between us was broken. Phil eyed the floor for a few seconds, before beginning. "I-"

"What a load of crap!" Nicole interrupted, standing up from her seat. No one looked anywhere close to comfortable at this point. In the corner, Megan was softly crying. Nicole continued, walking up to Phil. "Phil didn't even need my consent. I was practically begging for it. This fucking dweeb here must have seen us and is now just twisting the facts."

Fuck. That was it. The moment of, without a doubt, losing Nicole. This was it. This was rock bottom. She just lied to the whole council if it meant protecting Phil instead of me. She made her choice.

"So you and Phil are a thing?" The nerdy-looking guy near the back asked Nicole.

"Fuckin' A we are, Jeff." Nicole beamed back at him. Jeff held up his hand for a fist bump and she enthusiastically returned it. Afterwards, sadly, the attention in the room returned to me.