Chapter 20

In-the-moment actions can feel startlingly different than actions in retrospect. It’s easy to look back at one’s actions and say, ‘Wow. I sure overreacted to that.’ or ‘I never had it that rough. What was I thinking?’

As Mitchell’s note slowly burned in front of me, I wondered if this was going to be one of those instances. I looked around the park again in a paranoid fashion to make sure no one was looking at me – if I had done this in the house someone most assuredly would have smelled the smoke or something. It was burning. I had set fire to someone’s property – what’s more, something not meant for me to ever read at all.

Even ripping up the note was too good for it. It had to be completely destroyed, no two ways about it. I couldn’t help but feel like I had learned a weird lesson that I wasn’t supposed to learn yet – I had to lie. I knew now that Nicole was ... well, delusional. She lived with a brother who tried to shake her away with increasing desperation, but according to her, he thought the world of her. And when reality is too grim to share, tuck it away and repress it. I had to burn the note.

I thought back to what May said a long time ago. There was her, and then there was the mask she put on. Nicole clearly made a mask, but not for her – for her brother, perhaps before he died, perhaps after. It wasn’t my place to say when. The version of her brother she adored was perfect. Why should I ruin that perfection with reality? What right did I have? If it meant her happiness, I was content with hanging this skeleton up in my closet.

Once the embers were out, I stood up and looked at the large rock where the ash of the note lay. I made my hand into a fist and pounded down on the ash, if nothing else to symbolically destroy what was left of this note. It wasn’t as hot as I thought it was going to be, luckily.

I looked over my work, admiring it. Now I was the only one who knew. The secret would be safe with me. Smiling to myself, I stood up and put the lighter I carried with me away in my pocket, before starting to walk out of the park.

Suddenly, I stopped in my tracks. I wasn’t the only one who knew. Someone I had purposefully avoided talking to, but there was something on my mind for the last while now. Something huge, too huge for me to even admit to myself, let alone others. I needed to talk to that other person, as soon as possible ... but not today. Tomorrow, after dinner.

I chewed slowly, looking off into the distance, head in the clouds. Less than 24 hours ago, I was burning what could have been the most important thing for Nicole to see this year. Did I make the right choice? I didn’t know.

I did know I couldn’t dawdle with dinner. I asked Dad if we could have it early tonight specifically. I needed to see him while there was still daylight outside. It felt wrong otherwise. And I needed to talk to him. He didn’t need to talk to me, but that was his problem.

“Do you want more of anything?” Mom softly asked.

“Hm?” I snapped out of my daze. “Wuh?”

“Would you like more of anything” she repeated herself.

“Oh, no thanks.” I replied. “Sorry, thinking about stuff for next year.”

“Student council things and all that?” she asked.

“Once again, way to go.” Dad commented. “I always wanted to be the dad of a politician.”

“Yeah, because student council does so much.” I lamely commented.

“You’re elected, so that means you’re at least not the most hated guy of the school.” Dad rebutted.

“Yeah, I’m definitely happy with how this year went.” I smiled.

“That’s good to hear.” Mom told me supportively.

“So, uh, I won’t be sent back to the local school then?” I half-joked towards mom.

“Oh, of course not.” she immediately dismissed. “You seem to be doing very well at school, and making a lot of new friends.”

“More than before, yeah.” I replied, looking down at the table and thinking. Not just of Nicole, but of Megan, Carson, Paul, Jenna ... hell, even Phil and May. This year was one hell of a roller coaster, that was for sure.

“Speaking of, you should have Nicole over for supper sometime.” Mom continued. “After yesterday, we owe her that much.”

“Plus, even without the owing, it’s good manners to have your own girlfriend over to meet with your parents. I’d be more comfortable being more sure you’re not dating a serial killer.” He gestured around the table. “A femme fatale.”

I opened my mouth to correct Dad, and hesitated. Girlfriend. Was Nicole my girlfriend? It felt weird to even ponder. Even just a few weeks ago, I would have corrected him immediately, but now? Now, I wasn’t so sure. Whether Nicole wanted to admit it to my face or not, something was happening. I mean, fuck, she admitted it to Phil’s, even if it was just to get some higher ground in the conversation.

Before I could think further, Mom cut in. “Oh, she’s not his girlfriend, Tim.” she mock-scolded him. “Adam told me that she has a boyfriend, in fact.”

“I hope he’s not the jealous type.” he muttered, almost to himself, concealing a smile ineffectively.

“Oh, they broke up.” I blurted out before realizing. “It, uh, didn’t work out.”

“Oh.” Mom replied blandly. “Poor thing. I hope she’s okay.”

“It took her a bit, but I think she’s over it.” I couldn’t even tell if I was lying anymore, or if I was just trying to make a metaphor out of her and Phil. Maybe that’s just the excuse I was making to myself.

“Good, good.” Mom replied meekly. All of us knew the conversation was going nowhere, and my parents knew pretty well that I had a huge crush on her. I didn’t know if I was trying to hide it or anything. Maybe I should have just stopped. After all, it’s possible something was about to happen. But if it didn’t...

Dad cleared his throat. “Well, if you’re finished, why don’t I handle the dishes?” he offered. “I know you wanted us to eat early so you could see your friend.

Oh, he wasn’t my friend. “I appreciate it, thanks.” I replied quickly as I got up and gathered my shoes, bolting out the door with little more than an apathetic ‘love you’ tossed behind my back.

I ran the whole way there. It’s not like he was going anywhere, but I wanted as much time with him as possible. I knew the way off by heart now, and soon I was going under the gateway and greeted with a familiar sight. Scanning the path, I eventually found him, amongst some grass. As soon as my eyes locked onto him, I deliberately slowed my pace. The sunlight hit my face, almost blinding me as I walked painfully slowly towards him. I didn’t care. I wanted him to feel my presence.

I sat down calmly on the grass, never taking my eyes off of him. The stone just stared back at me. If Nicole was allowed to talk to her brother, so was I, and I had a hell of a lot to say.

“You recognize me, Mitch?” I asked, my voice smouldering. “It’s Adam. Adam Watson.” Go figure, there was no response. I didn’t need a response. I just wanted, on the off chance that he was listening, for him to sit down and listen to me.

I stood up and began pacing, never taking my eyes off of him. Silent. Never speaking. A good minute passed before I worked up the anger to finally talk. “How dare you.” I started. “How fucking dare you. She thought the world of you, and you fucking knew it. Then you pissed in her face, didn’t you? Where do you fucking get off, buddy?”

I knelt down and got real close to the stone. “You’re lucky I value her happiness. If I were someone else, I would have showed her the note. Is that what you would have wanted? Losing you was bad enough, she’d have to lose the you she treasured most.” I shook my head in disapproval. “The you that you never were.”

“What the fuck would it have taken to give a crap about her? Yeah, she’s a fucking clingy unstable mess. Anyone can see that. And you were thinking of leaving her?” I started pacing again. “I don’t care if you’re dead. I don’t care how you died. Because I bet you anything, if you lived, and you gave her that note, there would be a different grave here, but it would still say ‘Baker’ on it. You get me?”

Tears started to form in my eyes. Speaking of repression ... I didn’t ever want to say this out loud. I didn’t ever want to acknowledge it to myself. In a way, this was never real until I revealed it to him out loud. “I’m not an idiot, Mitch. I’ve seen the marks on her arms. I know what it means.” My nose curled in anger. “You’d better fucking hope those began after you died. If you saw those and still wanted to ran away from her ... I ... fuck.” I sat down. “Mitch, I’m fucking scared. I’m scared not only of what’ll happen, but of you and what kind of damage you caused. I get the plan wasn’t to, like, you know...” I gestured to the grave. “I’m sorry things happened the way they did. But I don’t know how to talk to anyone about that. I don’t know how to talk to Nicole. I know she likes to close her eyes and pretend everything bad is all a bad dream, but it just isn’t my style, okay?! I don’t know what to tell her. ‘Everything will be okay’? Yeah, that’ll help her. I...”

I breathed in and out. “The first time I saw it, it fucking terrified me. It was just after sex, though. What the fuck could I say? ‘Hey, nice tits, they match your cuts’?” I got back up again. “How the fuck do you talk to the person you love most about suicide? Clearly you were too much of a fucking coward to. You’re her brother, for fuck’s sake. Couldn’t you have just noticed? Couldn’t you have been there for her, you selfish prick?!”

I sat back down and remained there for about a minute. “I don’t know why I’m blaming you.” I quietly told him. “Maybe I’m just making you a scapegoat because you’re dead. If you’re not cool with that, just say something.” I paused. “Cool, thanks.” I chuckled aloud. “I’m sure you’re not, like, the reason any of this is happening, but if I want to be her boyfriend, I need to address it sooner or later. We can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s like ... I understand why she visits here so often. It’s like I begin to understand how she feels. If she were ever to leave, my whole world would be shattered. Everything would stop making sense.” I looked back at the grave. “I’m sorry you’re gone, Mitch. I’m sure you had your own life ahead of you, and it would have been great. But where the fuck does it leave me, man? It’s unfair.”

I blinked quickly to hold back tears. “But it’s worse. Like, not trying to undermine you, but your death ... Complete accident. Are overdoses accidents, or... ? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Nicole is doing this to herself. And your letter, man ... It cuts really deep. It’s not cool what you did. You could have pushed her over the edge. You were the one person she could trust, and you were about to just give her the finger and walk away.” I pictured Nicole lying in a bed, peacefully in a most ominous way, not sleeping, drenched in a sea of red. I shivered. I don’t know what death feels like to witness. I never want to. Mitch, help me.”

I stared back at him, expecting, for some reason, something. Movement. A promise. Anything. What I got, unfortunately, was confirmation that he was gone. It was eerie before, now ... it was just cruel.

“You know what, fuck you.” I huffed. “I bet her parents don’t know. I bet she even thinks I don’t know. Or she doesn’t care. But I care. I’m not just gonna sit around and let this happen. But I gotta know how to do it, Mitch. What if I, like ... what if I...” my fist hit the ground. “Fuck.”

I sighed for another minute solid. Darkness was starting to eat away at the atmosphere. I had to get home soon.

“I wanted to say this to someone for a long time. I don’t know what the fuck made me think saying it to you would be a good idea.” I stood up, and chuckled again to myself. “Because you won’t judge, I guess. You literally can’t. Salvador – fuck. He’d put Nicole on some sort of therapy shit through the school. She’d never talk to me again. Carson? He’d probably tell her to get over it or something. Megan’s volatile enough.” I was looking down at the grass at this point. I looked back up to him. “None of those named probably mean anything to you, but they’re ... they’re people, you know? And somewhere out there is someone I can talk to who will make all this shit go away. God didn’t spare you, why the fuck should I believe He’s looking out for Nicole?” I sighed.

My head slowly turned back to the grave. Talking to Mitch ... well, ‘talking to Mitch’ put an idea in my head. “What if it was you?” I said with a menacing slowness. “You’d better hope to fuck you didn’t do this. I’m almost sad you’re gone purely because you don’t get to see what you’ve done to your own sister. IF you truly cared, you’d have been more careful. Then you could have fucking understood the stuff you’re doing to her.” I was silent for a good ten seconds. “Something sure as hell is doing something to her. Maybe it was you. Or Jeff, or even his brother. There’s stuff about Nicole I just don’t get. You meet someone, you spend maybe 20 hours with them, you go, ‘Okay, yeah, I know how this person acts.’ Nicole keeps making no sense. I just wanna... “ I cleared my throat. “I just wanna shake her sometimes, you know? Grab her by the arms and just ask her to be normal for once, for me. Be straight with me. Tell me everything she feels without needing to hide behind her sarcasm. I bet Salvador would call that postmodernism.” I smiled slightly. “I don’t even know what the fuck postmodernism is. And I need someone to do that. I need, more than ever, to ... for ... core Nicole. You know? I need to see her raw form. I feel liked even though I’ve seen her with no clothes on, I’ve never really seen her naked. I need someone to tell me what to do or how to act. I need someone to help her. A therapist or something.”

I smiled. “You know, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m that guy. I don’t think I am, but you know who I’ll be if I don’t try to make sure Nicole has the best life she can?” I got really close to the gravestone. “You.” I whispered.

“Yeah. Yeah, you know what?” I stood back up, feeling an adrenaline rush. “I’m going to do it for her. She’s been through some shit, huh? Sexually assaulted by one guy, then his brother. Made to feel like she had to give everyone sex to feel like she has value. What do you do? You tell her to go ahead with it. See, I get it now. She sees you as a hero for that. I bet you just saw it as the easy way out of actually caring for her. She fucking reveres you for what you did, but what did you actually do? Fucking nothing. I’m going to do what you couldn’t, Mitch. I’m going to give it my all, and make her feel whole, not like she has to present herself to feel validated. You’re the fucking reason she has those cuts, give or take a few Love brothers, but I’m going to be those reasons those cuts will never reappear on her skin again. I may not be able to have the guts to reveal to her just what a shitty brother you’ve been, but I can love her, and I will. Every day. I’m going to m-”

I stopped. A presence. I whirled around and saw an older woman, looking at me with a weirded out expression on her face.

I turned pink. I guess paying attention may have been smart. I was completely embarrassed. So much so that, as much as I would have liked to prove to Mitch that I wasn’t a coward like him, I ran. I fucking bolted. I peaced it. I wasn’t even able to look that woman in the eyes, let alone finish that conversation.

Whatever. Mitch got the message. I may not have been the biggest smooth operator on the planet, but I was enough for Nicole. And I was going to make sure that, somehow, someway, I would solve her problems. Nicole was not going to feel lonely anymore. I meant what I said – I was going to do what Mitch couldn’t, and truly make her feel whole.

“I heard that you won the Student Council election with Nicole,” Salvador commented as I put my bag down in his office. “Congratulations.”

“You and I both know that she won the election and I was along for the ride.” I retorted, sitting down in the chair facing him. “No need to be polite.”

“If I didn’t mean to congratulate you, I wouldn’t have said it.” he replied meaningfully.

“Of course,” I laughed, throwing my hands up. “I should have guessed.”

“You seem cheerful.” he observed. “Is something important happening?”

I paused. “Not really cheerful. I guess I just feel a lot of ... anticipation.”

“Anticipation?”

“Summer’s coming.” I answered. “I feel like a lot of my life is changing. Like I’m closing a chapter or something. I mean, I barely knew how to do Student Council stuff this year, and now I’m expected to be the VP?”

Salvador nodded slowly. “People have large expectations of you now.” He wrote something down on a piece of paper and looked back up at me. “Is that it?”

“Huh?”

“I don’t think you would just come to me for that.” he answered simply. “You know that I know you won the election.”

“Nicole won t-”

He waved a hand around to signal he understood. “You asked me for this meeting just because you’re feeling anticipation?”

“I can’t meet with you to tell you I’m having a good time for once?” I retorted.

“It’s nothing you couldn’t have told me in the hallways.” he coolly responded. He may have been right, had he not had the tendency to never speak when walking by someone, and only wink at people who said hello to him in those circumstances.

I sighed. “Maybe.” I conceded.

“I’m listening.”

“I’m still trying to figure out what it is.” I confessed. “So ... you know how I want to be with Nicole?”

“Yes.” he replied simply, looking at me. Wow. No ‘this ought to be good’ or any other quip. Maybe this is why I liked him.

“Let’s say ... Okay, first of all, can this be off the record?”

“You’re going to need to put a lid on the number of ‘off the record’ things you tell me, Adam.” he replied seriously. “I only need to get fired once for serious consequences to happen.” He stared at me for a bit. “Be vague. Go.”

That was fair enough, I thought to myself as I shrugged. “Okay. Vague.” I said to myself, formulating the story. “So, there’s this girl. I’m totally not mentioning her name. Just a girl, you don’t know her. And she has ... she’s cute. I think things are going well between her and I. I’m gonna try asking her out soon.”

“Would this girl’s past suggest you shouldn’t?” Salvador asked me, with just the slightest twinkle in his eye, suggesting he enjoyed the ambiguity of the situation.

“A week ago, I would have said yes. But some information has come up. I never would have thought it, but this girl digs me. I heard her talking to a ... talking to a friend about asking me out. So I figured she may be a little shy, and thought that I’ll just ask her out myself instead.”

“Sounds like an open-and-shut case.” Salvador observed.

I nodded. “It’s just that there’s been a few more complications that have come up. She’s ... she has a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“The kind that would rank second-highest in the country for people fifteen to twenty-four.” I said, relieved I knew the statistic well enough to remain ambiguous and not have to say the word out loud.

Salvador’s eyes focused and he leaned forward. “Are we talking about suicidal tendencies?”

“Well, there goes ‘ambiguous.’” I muttered.

“Adam, I’m disappointed in you.” Salvador said with a cold voice. “I was being ambiguous for your sake. I didn’t realize someone’s life was on the line. This is more than my obligation as a person, this is my obligation as a human being.”

I stared down at the floor. “I mean ... I just...” I muttered.

“I can’t make any exceptions here. I’m going to phone the school counsellor when you’re gone, and inform her that Nicole Baker is expressing suicidal tendencies. Is this information true? If not, correct me immediately.” He started busily writing something down on a separate sheet.

“No one, even a school counsellor – hell, especially a school counsellor, could make Nicole comfortable with that. She clams up when I bring up anything remotely sincere. What makes you think this won’t make things worse?” I piped up.

He stopped writing. “Adam, I understand your frustration. In your attempt to make things as comfortable as possible for Nicole, you’re seeing things through her perspective. Normally, that would be mature of you. However, Nicole is very disproportionately anti-establishment. Why do you think we have a counsellor employed here?”

“Well, I’m sure the counsellor helps most people, but Nicole...” I trailed off.

“She’s a human being with psychiatric problems. You admitted that yourself. Not even just here. She has difficulty at making and maintaining social relationships as a result of abandonment issues.” I opened my mouth to talk, but Salvador pointed his pencil at me with a surprising amount of force. “You told me that yourself. Don’t try to back out of this just because you don’t understand what she needs.”

“I...” I started lamely. “I thought...”

“You thought what?” Salvador responded, finishing his write-up and looking at me.

“I thought that maybe if she had someone, a shoulder to cry on ... she’d get better...”

Salvador sighed and gave me a sad smile, the likes of which I had never seen from him. “Adam, I know you care deeply about her, but you can not even think about being her savior. Do you understand?”

I blinked rapidly to hold back tears. “I just don’t want to risk something that may not make her feel better.”

“I understand that. Truly, I do.” He took off his glasses and wiped them absentmindedly. “I’ve seen couples come in and out of my office that didn’t have a tenth of the commitment and feeling you two have. If your stories are true.”

“They are, I promise.”

“Not the point. But you don’t know how to fix her. Blind support can only get some people so far. The reason they call depression a mental illness is because only some perceived ‘cures’ can truly cure it. Our school counsellor has received training for years on the subject, and has helped dozens of students with surviving through their depression. Do you have any training or experience like that?”

I stayed silent.

“You don’t. I understand that you want to be the one to help her through it. She means a lot to you. You mean a lot to her. She trusts you more than anyone you know. It should be you, if anyone, that can help her. That’s what you think, isn’t it?”

I nodded meekly.

“But you don’t know how to do it. You worry if the counsellor can’t help her, but the fact of the matter is, the counsellor has a better chance than you do. Imagine you try to help her, and you screw up, and make things worse for her. Let alone what she would do, would you be able to live with yourself?

My mouth was dry. “Okay, I get it.” I croaked.

“Again, I understand why you want to help her. That’s noble. But if you truly want to help, pass the torch onto someone who can. Summer is starting so we may have to defer to someone, but we need to do something. It’s not just my job as a teacher that’s on the line here. I don’t think you’d want to see this handled less than professionally.”

“I understand.” I admitted. “Go ahead, do what you need to do.” Salvador returned to his paper, and after a few seconds of silence, a thought popped into my head. “Nicole ... she’s going to hate me, isn’t she? She’s very inward. Information about her like this getting out ... she’ll never forgive me.”

Salvador looked up at me and nodded gravely. “I’m afraid if you’re the only person she’s told, even if we don’t expressly say why, you’re going to be implicated in this. I’m sorry, but those are the only words of comfort I can say.”

“Oh, she didn’t actually say anything.” I clarified.

“What?”

“I noticed. Marks. Like, on her arms.” I pointed at my arms to demonstrate.

“I see.” he slowly replied. “And you’re sure they can only be one thing?”

“Yeah.” I quietly replied. “It was more than one time. They were always in slightly different places so they were always new. And they were, uh, y’know, vertical.” It was hard not to choke on my words.

“Okay. There may be a way we can talk to her where you don’t have to be directly implicated, if you so wish.” Salvador absentmindedly said as he jotted down some notes, before looking at me. “Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m not fucking okay, what kind of question is that?!” I lashed out before tears began to stream down my face. “I’m scared, Mr. Salvador. I don’t want to lose her.”

“And now that you’ve told me about this and I’m enlisting professional help, that will become less of a possibility.” he calmly retorted. He reached forward and grabbed a hand of mine on the table. “It will be okay.”

I shook his hand away. “I hope.” I muttered, trying to get the tears out of my eyes.

“It doesn’t matter if Nicole is anti-establishment. This will help her.” Salvador responded. “Students get this idea that adults don’t know how things work. They think that they could teach better than teachers, that counsellors can’t help students, and yet here we are.” He gestured around him. “We were teenagers once too. We take this into account. iPhones and Facebook don’t change the fundamentals of human nature. Nicole can pretend no one understands her all she likes, but ... I’m sure I don’t need to tell you she sometimes gets wrapped up in her own emotional walls and becomes hypocritical or self-deprecating.”

I shrugged. “I guess,” I flatly said, not wanting to admit to him just how right he was.

“This very meeting shows that. If she was open about her feelings, it’s possible you wouldn’t need to come here at all. It’s why being honest about yourself helps you in the end.”

“I didn’t realize I was going to get a rant about how to be a good person.” I retorted.

“If you already knew this, I wouldn’t be telling you.” Salvador responded, staring daggers at me. “The good news is, she will get the help she needs.” He clasped his hands together in front of him. “What about you?”

“What about me what?” I asked, my face blank, the evidence of tears almost invisible at this point.

“I didn’t start meeting with you with the intention of doing this until you graduated.” he told me. “Are you in a stable place right now?”

I thought about it for a second, and began to nod slowly. “I think so.” I replied.

“Do these meetings need to continue?”

I was so used to these meetings, I think I began to depend on them. That said, I knew that was the opposite of what was supposed to happen. Salvador was trying to get me back on my feet, not cut me off at the knees. I knew as well as he did that if I showed I was getting attached or anything, he would stop the meetings in an uncomfortable way. I would have liked to have a few more meetings...

But that was just it. I would have liked it. Not ‘I needed it, ‘ not ‘I couldn’t function without it.’ They were becoming a comfort to me. And here we were, the culmination. I still didn’t like it, but I guess Nicole was getting professional help now. Maybe Salvador was right, maybe this would help her. I guess if I was going to be VP of the Student Council, I needed to put a little more faith in my school. Maybe they would help her. Hell, maybe they could cure her. The more I thought about it, the more I understood what Salvador was saying. I didn’t know the first thing about talking to someone with depression. And yet I talked to one all this time, and didn’t know it. Then, after I knew it, I just denied it, all this time...

“Do these meetings need to continue?” Salvador repeated with purpose.

I looked up suddenly at him, snapping out of my thoughts. “No.” I responded. “They don’t.”

“Adam?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m genuinely glad to hear that.” he flashed me a small smile. “Do you feel better overall?”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel able to carry on by yourself?”

“I’m the VP now. I gotta carry the school, let alone myself. Yeah, I feel able to do that.”

Alright.” Salvador stood up from his desk and extended a hand to me. I got up myself and shook his hand. He had one hell of a firm grip.

Salvador looked my face over. “I sincerely hope you’re thinking of taking drama next year.” he commented emotionlessly. “I think you have what it takes.”

“What does it take?” I asked him.

“What you have.” he simply replied, sitting back down. “Is there anything else you need?”

I chuckled internally. “No, nothing.” I replied, picking up my bag. “I’ll see you next year, I guess.”

“Goodbye.” Salvador replied, looking me in the eye. Finally hearing him say it hit me harder than expected. It was amazing the power a single word had if it was withheld for long enough. I didn’t say anything more, I just left. It didn’t feel right to stay any longer than that.

Nicole had promised she’d meet me in the main hallway. It didn’t make sense. She was never late. If anything, she had a tendency to be annoyingly early. If I had known she would be this late, I would have skipped the meeting with Salvador and just went home on the bus.

I shivered I remained sitting on the main hallway bench. If I had skipped the meeting ... Salvador’s words sunk into me. Maybe I was just really naive and fell for whoever presented their case the best, but I had gone from agreeing with Nicole’s ‘fuck the system’ attitude to being fully on Salvador’s side within a split second. Maybe I was just being naive. I shrugged to myself – as long as Nicole got better, I would be happy.