Chapter 19

I had always tied the normalization of seeing things growing to the end of the school year. I felt like it was fitting to feel freed from the shackles of school just as everything started growing again. It was summer’s saving grace to me. Or at least late spring’s.

A week to exams. I felt like I may as well have blinked and second semester flew by. If I was any more ignorant, I would have presumed this was what it was like to grow old, on a much smaller scale. It wasn’t that time was getting faster – I was just less able to grab it as it flew by. Plus, having stimulating classes definitely helped. I could remember any of Salvador’s classes way more vividly than any of Mr. Brock’s classes. Then again, gym classes may as well have blended together. I guess a better example would have been history classes, and bless Mr. Anton’s heart, he certainly tried to make history interesting.

Spanish and geography classes were two great examples of things I tried to block out of my mind for incredibly different reasons. When it came to Spanish classes ... I felt a weird sense of vulnerability. Before high school I never really got anything below a 70, and now, I just wanted to pretend Spanish class didn’t exist. Even though my parents were decently accepting of it, I didn’t even like looking them in the eye when they brought it up. I was glad that it would be over soon.

On the other side sat geography class, where the one who didn’t dare look people in the eye was the teacher, of all people. Mr. MacDonald was a good actor, I’ll give him that – there was barely any difference to his attitude after he got caught, unless he was speaking to me. He got quieter and would look down at the floor more often, and every time I couldn’t help but look at Megan, who got uncomfortable and looked at the floor herself. I really needed to stop doing that. If not for Megan’s sake, to make sure no one suspected anything. For all the class knew, we had a threesome and I was the only one that was proud of it or something. I shudder to think.

It was a testament to my personal growth to have seen where I was at this point of the year. A crowded gym, the day of the Student Council election. I was the only junior on stage, and apparently the only junior in the history of Hazelwood to be on this stage twice in my first year, and yet, I wasn’t nearly as nervous the second time. I could have said that I had gotten a better grip on my anxiety, but I knew too well that the true reason I was faring better this time was sitting right next to me.

“This is boring.” Nicole dryly complained as she stretched, students filing into the gym, waiting for Mr. Scott to make an appearance. “How’re you holding up? Gonna start crying again?”

“Fuck off.” I retaliated as she grinned. “So, what happens if you get in but the other guy gets in for VP? Who’s even running this year anyway?” I looked around me, hoping the other chairs would offer some explanation.

Nicole shook her head. “Not how it works. If I get in, you’re in. Whoever the president picks as VP runs with them.”

“Oh, cool.” I mumbled, mostly to myself. “So it’s like an actual presidential race.”

“Kinda, except it’s about two years shorter, doesn’t use attack ads and the Canadians haven’t found a way to butcher it yet.”

I had no clue how the Canadians handled politics. Frankly, it took her saying this to remind me they knew what politics were. “So who’s the VP running against me?” I knew Jeff Swanson, the ‘current president, ‘ was running against Nicole, but even though it was a little late, it may have been wise to have some working knowledge of the competition.

“Matt Schneider.” Nicole absent-mindedly, looking at her nails. As soon as she felt my gaze fixate on her, she looked back at me and gave me an all-too-innocent smile. “Play nice.”

My head went back to look around, eventually finding Matt. He was sitting next to Jeff, drumming on his thighs in anticipation. As soon as he saw me, his gaze fixed on mine just as mine fixed on him. Surprisingly, there was no malice in his gaze, but no warmth either. His eyebrows moved up to acknowledge me, then he looked away in another direction.

“Is he making you uncomfortable?” Nicole asked.

“No, no, he’s fine. I’m fine.” I assured her a little too quickly.

“Be honest.” Nicole told me sternly, still not looking me in the eye. “He already kicked the shit out of you once. I don’t want it to happen to you again.”

My heart stopped. She knew. I mean, of course she knew, but she knew. Did she know before she beat him up? Did she know instantly? This wasn’t the freaking time to have a curveball thrown in my face.

“How long did you-” I began to say, getting cut off by Mr. Scott clearing his throat at the podium microphone. As he continued with his usual greeting, Nicole gave me a sideways smile.

“Good afternoon, staff and students. This is Mr. Scott speaking.” Classic. “Today, as you all know, is the day we elect next year’s student council. The student council has always been an important part of young ambitious students wishing to...”

“This is stupid.” Nicole angrily grumbled as Scott continued.

“Huh?” I asked.

“I said this is stupid.” Nicole repeated herself. “It’s always been the duty of the acting president to make the introductory remark. Phil shouldn’t have even been removed in the first place, now they’re just trying to rub out his entire role as if it never happened.”

I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy in how Nicole talked about Phil, knowing what I knew. Would she have spoke so highly of him if she weren’t ... No. Can’t think about that. Not today. I didn’t want my nerves to get the better of me, not twice in a fucking row.

“Do you think he did it?” I asked. Brilliant. That was sure to change the topic.

Nicole gave me another sly smile. “That’s irrelevant to the whole thing, squirt.” she softly told me. “I’d like to think bureaucracy exists for a reason. When we start finding exceptions, it becomes harder and harder to put that genie back in the bottle. Enter Scott, parading around, enjoying what should have been Phil’s democratically earned responsibility.”

I turned my attention to Scott, who was making some speech about student empowerment. “Well it’s a good thing he won’t be doing this two years in a row then, huh?” I asked her, trying to make her feel better.

“Yeah, hopefully.” Nicole retorted. I went back to listening to Scott’s speech, before Nicole cut in again. “That said, if there was one president this had to happen to, at least it’s Phil.” She turned to me. “Do me a favor, hotshot. If you have any good memories of the guy, burn them.” She turned back. “He’s a vile, cruel, evil person.” She looked down at her knees. “Evil.”

I looked down at my own knees too. Nicole blamed herself for this, at least partially. I was sure of that. I was all too knowing of what she was saying, and why she was saying it. I wanted to tell her.

I know about you and him.

Such a simple sentence. If I said it right, I wouldn’t need to elaborate. She wouldn’t cover up talking about the stupid dating period they had. She’d know that I know. It would be out in the open. We could work it out together. We could work him out of our lives. All I needed to do was say it. Say it.

Say it.

“I know-” I managed before my nerves acted up. Shit. Almost had it. On the inside, I could feel myself trembling, and my throat closed up. So close yet so fucking far.

Nicole chuckled. “No, trust me, squirt. You don’t. If you think you’ve seen his bad side, you probably saw his good side from a bad angle. The man is pure evil.” She turned to face me. “Look into my eyes. Tell me you’ll stay away from him.”

A rush of adrenaline surged through me. “Will you?” I asked her.

I expected Nicole to be taken aback, but she just looked at me, readying her answer in her head. As she opened her mouth to speak, the voice of Mr. Scott announced, “Nicole Baker!” Nicole gave me a small smile and stood up, walking away.

Any weakness or even potential weakness evaporated as she swayed up to the podium to a surprising amount of cheering from the crowd. It was absolutely insane how Nicole had the entire student body wrapped around her little finger.

“Well, well, well...” she began, surveying the crowd. “This has been a moment I’ve been looking forward to all year. Do I even need a speech?”

Her question was met with a cheer of “NO!” from the crowd.

“Well, tough. I brought one anyway.” Nicole retorted, pulling a piece of paper from her pocket. “Now, I could tell you all why I’d make a good president by promising you stuff, but I think going over what I’ve already done would be a pretty good indicator. So, did you all enjoy the Tight n’ Bright dance? Y’know, the one with an actual DJ?”

I giggled to myself. I stayed home from that one because the name sounded nauseating enough, and Nicole stayed behind with me. Not that anyone in the crowd knew that, especially given their cheers.

“You’re welcome.” Nicole winked. “Music kids, did you appreciate the funding increase this year? You were finally able to tour around the middle schools this year. Do you want that again next year?”

More cheers came from the audience, some louder than others for obvious reasons.

“And hey, how about some promises for next year? Like a new microwave for the cafeteria, and actual mirrors for the washrooms instead of that fake plastic shi-” she stifled a grin and glanced at Mr. Scott. “ ... stuff?”

More cheers. I looked over at Mr. Scott, who was trying his best to hide how much he didn’t approve of this situation.

“I’ll see to it that the next year we have is our best yet. It’ll be a privilege working for the best student body in the world. Are you ready to whip this school into shape?”

Students cheered in agreeance.

“Are you ready to become the best school in the state?”

They were really getting revved up now. The cheering in the gym was borderline unbearable.

“Then get out there and vote for your new president! I can’t do it alone. Ductus exemplo!”

Ductus exemplo, the school’s motto. Something like ‘lead by example’ in Latin. Why did school mottos always have to be in dead languages?

Grinning at the crowd one last time, Nicole took her seat and beamed at me, the cheering still almost deafening as Scott tried to quiet it down.

“Not bad.” I commented, giving her a golf clap.

“Not bad? I fucking nailed it.” Nicole replied. It was true – it wasn’t even her words, but how she said them. Nicole could give a speech to the National Association of Paraplegics and still get them out of their seats. As Scott quieted down the crowd, he introduced Jeff Swanson, who walked slowly by us.

“Don’t bother.” he told Nicole. “You’re in way over your head. You need to be more than a popular slut to be a president, Nicole.”

Nicole was unmoved. “Flectere si nequeo superos, acheronta movebo.” She told him, in what I presume was more Latin. He rolled his eyes and walked to the podium, readying his speech, as Nicole turned back to me. My eyes never left attempting burning a hole in the back of Jeff’s head. What was it about these situations that made everyone so awful?

“So, you prepared this time?” Nicole winked at me.

“Yeah, I think so.” I nodded, turning back to her. “It’s basically just why I think I’d be a good VP, right?”

“Yup! No script required. I made sure of it.”

“Hey, I’m decent with a script. I just forgot about it the first time.” I defended myself.

“And you’re telling me you wouldn’t have forgot about it this time too?” Nicole playfully prodded me.

“Fuck off,” I chuckled. I didn’t want Nicole to see me sweat, but on the inside, I was definitely nervous. We sat, not talking, as Jeff finished his speech and got an applause, though it wasn’t nearly as big as Nicole’s. I started breathing deeply to prepare for my inevitable time in the spotlight.

“And of course,” Mr. Scott began, taking back the microphone, “behind every good president is a good vice president that helps them manage the council. This year, we have Matt Schneider running alongside Jeff Swanson...”

A polite round of applause rang through the crowd.

“ ... and Adam Watson running alongside Nicole Baker.”

The applause for me may as well have not existed. Instead a sea of murmurs and concerned whispers crashed ashore of the stage, darkening my face with the knowledge of an impending squall.

I have a tendency to go all Jack Kerouac when I’m worried, and Nicole didn’t have to hear my inner poet to understand the lack of applause concerned me.

“Don’t worry, hotshot.” she assured me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. “They’re just confused that such a lil’ one is running.” She let go of my hand and ruffled my hair. “You’re gonna do great. The people love you. Don’t worry.”

“Correction, the people love you. I’m just drifting along.” I grumbled back to her, then smiled. “And every day you give people a new reason to love you.”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “I didn’t sign you up as my VP just to ride the Cheesy Express, dude.” she lamely commented. In the background, Matt walked past us up to the podium, readying his speech. “And you’ve done a good job this year. Fucking own it. If I want you as my VP, I don’t want you to always think you’re riding my coattails. You might start doing it.”

“I’ll pull my weight.” I promised. I wasn’t ready to say I had done a great job – my duties were small at best and the drama spotlight was centered on me a little too often to be comfortable this year.

“I sure hope so.” she said, smiling. “You ready to go?”

“I think so.” I replied thoughtfully. “You mind if I ask for some silence? I just need to ... like, y’know, ready myself.”

Nicole nodded and faced the front again, giving me the time and space I needed. I wasn’t exactly zen, but I definitely could put the time ‘alone’ to good enough use that by the time Scott called my name, I could walk up to the podium without having a panic attack. On the way there, Matt mouthed, ‘good luck’ to me, which I just gave a nod in return.

Hello crowds my old friend. I could picture the crowd the last time I ran as I readied myself and cleared my throat.

“Um...” I began nervously. “Hi.” I chuckled and shook my head, smiling on the outside but hating myself on the inside. “M-many of you remember me from this past year. Megan Schneider and I were happy to serve you all as your grade nine reps. This coming year, I’m hoping to put these skills to work and double down...” I took a breath. I felt like I was dying. “ ... double down on the amount of work I’ll put in for this school. Like this year, I’ll be making sure I listen to the whole student body when Student Council makes their decisions. Being on Student Council was a great opportunity this past year and if you elect Nicole and I to lead the Student Council this year, not only will Nicole shape the school into the best it can possibly be, but I’ll personally see to the fact that all of you will have your voices heard. Every single person at this school matters and Student Council should reflect that. Let’s make this coming year the best it can possibly be. Thank you.”

The crowd gave a sadly modest applause as I went back to my seat and Mr. Scott took over again. As soon as all eyes were off me, I curled into my chair.

“I blew it.” I mumbled into my knees.

Nicole’s hand was supportively rubbing my back. “You had a rough start, but at least the ideas were there.” she said soothingly. “For what it’s worth I’m still proud of you.”

That was why I was willing to fight so hard for her. I looked up at her and smiled, wondering how I had such good luck to have her in my life. Feeling more confident, I surveyed the crowd as Mr. Scott made his closing remarks.

My smile faded as my eyes locked with another pair near the gym doors. The door was ajar, and leaning against the doorway, arms akimbo, leaned the near-silhouette of a tall senior, hair red and eyes blue. There was the beginning of a small smile on his face, though his eyes were cold and practically pierced my soul. He just stared me down, unmoving, telling me exactly what was on his mind with his eyes.

Maybe it wasn’t good luck for Nicole to be in my life. Maybe I was just the placeholder. Maybe fighting for her was pointless. But I was young and stupid, and nothing could stop me from trying.

“ ... In Revere’s case, the news went all the way to Ashby by nine o’clock, but William Dawes’ announcement that the British were coming was so underwhelming that Waltham, one of the main towns he visited, had so few of their men fight that morning that until recently, many historians thought the town was mostly made up of loyalists. It turns out, Dawes was just so terrible at communication that almost nobody in Waltham knew that the British were coming.” Mr. Anton’s arms started flailing around as he got excited. “Come on, Dawes! If you’re not going to rev up the patriots, just send someone else!” He mimed riding a horse across the classroom. “Hey. I guess the British are coming. Anyway, I should leave.” He mimed riding away then stopped the mime routine giving us all an incredulous look.

Mr. Anton was freaking weird. His way of making history interactive definitely made us all pay attention to the lesson, but maybe not for the reasons he had hoped. Either that or he was playing us all like fiddles.

Being used to silence following his points with perhaps a few giggles mixed in, he continued. “One of the reasons why Revere’s ride was so crucial t-”

Suddenly, the PA system crackled, practically making Mr. Anton jump at the sudden intrusion. “Good afternoon staff and students, this is Mr. Scott speaking...” began the drone over the PA.

I held my breath. It was happening. We all voted right after the assembly in our first-period classes, and now the votes had been counted. The results of the election. I wasn’t quite shaking in my boots, but a lot was riding on this.

I blinked in realization. A lot was riding on this. If Nicole didn’t win, we wouldn’t be working together on the council, which meant less was at stake. If she didn’t win, there was a possibility that we could have an open discussion about him. We could finally get this out in the open, and, fingers crossed, behind us. All of a sudden, I didn’t know where my allegiances lied.

“We have the results of the Student Council election that happened today, starting with the treasurer...” Mr. Scott went on. Well, this was going to take a bit. There were about 12 students in all, 13 this year since Megan and I got on together. There were about eight roles Scott had to go through before he got to us, which, lucky for me, left me plenty of time to overthink.

Name after name flew through the classroom to moderate polite clapping. Some names I knew, some I didn’t. “And your president this coming year will be...”

Of course he paused. Of course he freaking paused. At this point I wasn’t even hoping for one result or another, I just wanted to know.

“Nicole Baker!” he announced. “This also means your acting vice president this coming year will be Adam Watson.” A few students cheered for me and the guy next to me politely patted me on the back. I looked over to see it was Baseball Kid. I didn’t even know he was in this class.

“Thanks.” I politely replied to everyone, nodding. I guess that was that. It wasn’t exactly a twist to see that the team with the super-popular Nicole on it had won, but there was enough of a chance she wouldn’t win to make it interesting.

A chance that was fully caused by me, I thought bitterly to myself.

“All new council members please meet in the principal’s office immediately following these announcements. Thank you and have a good day.” Mr. Scott concluded.

“Well, it looks like we have a politician in the room.” Mr. Anton stated, acknowledging me.

“He was on the council all year.” a student pointed out from the peanut gallery.

I know that Mr. Anton had a bad habit of actually responding to people that chirped him and I didn’t want to stick around for that cringefest. I stood up, excusing myself from the room before anything could ensue, making my way to the principal’s office quickly and somewhat nervously.

By the time I had gotten there, almost everyone had already showed up, including Nicole who was sporting the most smug grin I had ever seen in her life. When I got there, she winked at me in acknowledgement. I couldn’t help but chuckle.

The students were a veritable soup of different cliques I could identify on sight – mostly people who at least looked like they could have been popular, though there was the occasional other demographic. A guy who looked like he never left a library in his life, a girl who was permanently stuck in the goth phase, a guy who may as well have carried around a neon sign saying ‘Theater Kid, ‘ among other things. A few seconds after I got there, a tall blond boy came in behind me, and then there were ten. Mr. Scott asked Blond Boy to close the door behind him and cleared his throat.

“Good afternoon, students.” This is Mr. Scott speaking. “Congratulations to all of you for making the senior student council. In this meeting, we’ll be going over all of the responsibilities and expectations you will be expected to uphold as part of this council.” He turned to Nicole. “And how easy it is to go too far and do damage to the student body.”

“You’re, uh, makin’ some solid eye contact with me there, Mr. Scott.” Nicole replied back, cool as a cucumber yet still visibly weirded out. “Anything I should know?”

“Just trying to make sure I look at everyone, Nicole.” Mr. Scott replied a little too cheerfully. “So, first off, the Treasurer’s duties...”

“And boom goes the dynamite.” Carson announced smugly as he threw his controller in the air in celebration. “Maybe you should take a break from climbing the corporate ladder and learn how to fire a gun.”

“I’m assuming that means ‘congratulations’ in your language.” I shot back.

“It means ‘good for you, buddy, but I dunno why you do this to yourself.’” Carson replied. “It looks like student council shit is one big headache after another.”

“Hey, it has its perks.”

“Like what?” Carson got up, starting to make his way to the kitchen before he pointed at me. “And don’t just say something like, ‘I get to help the students.’”

I chuckled, looking down. “I’m sure if you weren’t taken you’d love working under Nicole as much as I do.”

A huge grin broke out on Carson’s face. “You got me good.” he replied. “Yeah, a’ight. So you’re just there to be a birdwatcher?”

“Well, there’s also the cheesy helping people out stuff too.” I replied, shrugging.

“Buddy.” Carson shook his head, walking over to the fridge, pulling out a drink.

“What? Someone has to do it.”

“I just don’t see the point. Other than the Nicole thing, totally valid.” He resumed his sitting on his gaming throne. “Oh, and plus, I’m not taken.”

“No?” I had to try hard to hide my tone of glee. Carson was a friend, and I wanted to stay far away from May, plain and simple.

Carson shook his head. The good news was he was back to his emotionless primal self – no more deflation and ennui. “Nah. It was never gonna work out. It turns out...” He sighed annoyedly. “ ... that she’s switching schools in the new year.”

“Oh snap!” I replied, carrying on the conversation. “Sorry about your luck.”

“Sorry about hers. She says she’s getting bullied too much and she wanted a fresh start.” he shrugged. “Shit happens, right? If it ain’t meant to be, it ain’t meant to be.”

“Yeah.” I mumbled absentmindedly. Bullying, huh? Was it too egocentric of me to think she was referring to me? I mean, I saw a couple times where people called her a skank or some stupid shit in the hallways, but we did have that huge fight not too long ago. And it was so like May to play the victim card in the face of absolutely everything.

Although ... I mean, fuck, she was some kind of hypocrite about it, but she was sexually assaulted. Or at least Nicole was sure she was. And if Nicole was sure of something, odds were it was true. Maybe she didn’t want to outright say, “I’m switching schools because this one reminds me of the time I got raped.” Go figure.

I hoped she wasn’t talking about me. She was despicable, hell, my worst enemy. But I knew why I wanted to switch to Hazelwood and get away from the people in my life in the first place, and there was a phrase that came to mind when thinking of May in the same situation – ‘I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.’ Part of me felt relieved she was, without a doubt, gone and not a problem anymore. But at the same time, I didn’t want to perpetuate that which made me suffer. Last thing I wanted to be was Pierce. I wanted to forget my past, but I didn’t want to become my past in the attempt to move on from it.

“Yo, Adam. Wake up.” Carson’s voice broke me out of my trance.

“Wuh? Sorry.” I shuffled uncomfortably.

“You cool?”

“Yeah, just ... stress from exams and shit.” I rubbed my eyes.

Carson’s smile got wider. “Hey man, that’s why you’re here, right? I’m ordering a pizza. Pick the next map.”

My smile followed suit. “Deal.” I replied as Carson got up. Even though my smile disappeared as he left to get the phone, I still felt better knowing I was surrounded by friends. After all, if I allowed these things to keep making me question myself, I wouldn’t have been moving on from the past at all.

I wasn’t really sure what Megan thought she would get from us spending lunchtime together but it was as awkward as I expected it would be. Once we knew that everything was, cough cough, ‘sorted out, ‘ we made a pact to never bring it up again.

And yet here we were. Barely making eye contact, let alone talking, eating our lunch practically in solitude despite being few feet away from each other. This hallways used to be occupied by May, but she was barely to be seen these days. Apart from her teachers, practically no one ever saw her. Not that I would ever ask the teachers or anything – I wanted to never see her again, and I wasn’t about to complain when I got just what I wanted.

In one respect, at least. In another, I wish I could have just turned time back. I wish I had never asked Megan out to the dance. I wish I never got close to her. She could have grown up to be innocent and pure like she would have had I not intervened. I regretted a lot of things with Megan – our relationship, our sex ... our fucking child. It was a nightmare that it happened and another that she got rid of it so readily, though I was never going to admit that to her. It’s not like I was ready to raise a child either. I just ... I was so scared. I was asked for an answer and I legitimately had none. It was one of those situations where you weren’t mentally prepared to do anything but close your eyes and pretend it’s a bad dream.

“Are you thinking about it?” Megan asked quietly. I could only nod in response, to which she sighed. “Me too.”

“We said we wouldn’t talk about it though.” I pointed out. “Don’t we want it to just ... go away?”

“I don’t feel like it’s going to.” Megan replied sadly. I scoffed then shuffled over, putting my arm around her and squeezing supportively. We were somewhat more comfortable with silence at this point. It wasn’t really a big bad villain replacing what we wanted to say to each other now, it was more like a mutual understanding that we were exhausted. Everything we could have said to each other, we already knew and just made us spend our energy. It was like Salvador said, the silence was more beautiful than any of the ugly truths we had to regurgitate.

But inevitably someone had to speak. “So how are you going forward?” I asked her. “Like, all things considered.”

Megan looked down at the floor for a long time, processing her response before she began. “Sex is awful.” Simple and to the point I suppose. “I thought I was having fun with it, I thought that good things were coming from it. But I got lost along the way, you know? I rushed in too quickly and I didn’t know what I was in for. I wish I never had sex in the first place. I wish I could turn back the clock.”

I nodded. “I feel the same way.”

Megan looked at me with uncharacteristic boldness and shook her head. “No you don’t. You didn’t reduce yourself to a toy for someone you thought you liked. You didn’t sell yourself as sex fuel for dozens of people just to prove to yourself that you were desirable. And you didn’t have to make the decision to kill your child.”

I hung my head. “Y-you’re right.” I admitted in a tiny voice. “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.” Megan replied with a surprisingly strong voice.

“What I meant was that I regret all of the bad that’s happened here.” I tried to explain. “Like with you, and Nicole, and May, there was just a bunch of bullshit that didn’t need to happen, and I hate it. I hate that the only time we were in a relationship, it was built out of lies. You deserve more than that, because you’re really special and important.”

“Thanks.” Megan nodded, not visibly affected by my attempts to make her feel better about herself. “Where are you going from here?”