Chapter 18

I was going to have a stroke before I was 40, I swear to God. I’d like to say that I was calmly sitting behind Megan, stroking her back and reassuring her it would all be okay after she informed me of her pregnancy, but unfortunately, no such thing happened. Within microseconds I was up and pacing the cramped hallway in a frantic manner.

“You don’t- how? Why? No way. This isn’t true, you’re lying.” I breathily spat out.

This only made Megan’s sobbing harder, the first thing that sobered me since she told me the news. After looking her over I tried to understand that this was her suffering, not mine. As I tried to conduct a few deep breaths for myself, I tried to remind myself that this had nothing to do to me, and my role was to support her. My hand outstretched, aiming for her shoulder, I steeled myself to be her guardian in this crisis.

Before that happened, I shot right up. What the fuck was I thinking? Of course this had to do with me. It was probably ... I was most likely ... Oh god ... I was a...

“Who’s the father?!” I demanded in a panicked voice, grabbing her head and yanking it up so her eyes could meet mine.

She stared deeply into my eyes with a look that was a third incredulity, a third sadness, and a third anger. “I don’t know!!” she practically shrieked at me.

Oops. Right. How the hell would she know? I needed to calm down. I steadied myself by leaning against the wall and slinking down to meet her, still conducting those deep breaths. Eventually I built up the bravery (or nerve, I suppose) to put my arm around her.

“I’m sorry.” I softly said.

Megan attempted to shove me off, her crying never faltering. She was entirely inconsolable. I sighed, knowing the prudent course – I sat in silence for a good twenty minutes, missing my bus and brushing off one confused sophomore who found us at one point, but mostly just sitting awkwardly, stroking her back, listening to her cry the entire way. The crying got quieter and quieter over time, although the ferocity of it never stopped. She just lost the energy to make noise. Eventually she was making frantic pant noises, her body shaking with every one, when I got the courage to speak again.

“How long have you known?” I asked her.

“I-I ... I...” she attempted to speak through her uncontrolled soundless sobs.

I continued stroking her back. “It’s okay. Take all the time you need.”

“T-today.” she managed. “I-I don’t know how l-long I ... I’ve been preg ... nant for.”

That sounded about right. I frankly knew absolutely nothing about how these sorts of tests went down, and I should have known better, but I had to ask. “Was it a medical test or something?”

“N-not really.” she answered shakily. “I w-was talking to the school nurse and I told her everything.”

“Everything?!” I asked urgently.

I could swear I heard a chuckle amongst her chokes and cries. “Not names.” she reassured me. “I told her I could never, although she w-wasn’t happy.”

Go figure. A hidden sex circle is running amok in Hazelwood and adults aren’t sitting idly by when they find out it happens.

“I was t-there to get tested.” she told me. “To make sure I’m c-clean. She recommended the pregnancy test too.” she sniffled, trying to turn off the invisible waterworks at this point.

I nodded, trying to hide my internal panic. STDs. I never fucking thought of that. God knows who Nicole has banged in the past. Or if May never banged anyone else on the side. Hell, or even...

“Wait, how many? Y’know...” I gestured outward.

Megan shuddered. “Sixteen.”

Damn. Sixteen times, huh? She got around. “Sixteen times, really? Well, we know quite a few of those are with me, and Carson pro-”

“Sixteen guys.”

Silence hung through the air as I stared, mouth agape, at a frightened Megan who didn’t dare look back at me. “Sixteen guys?”

“I know, I know.” Megan uneasily remarked.

“I don’t even know sixteen guys! God knows how many guys have a chance to be involved in some shit now! I really hope you don’t have an STD, because thi-”

“You’re not helping!” Megan sharply interjected.

I shut my mouth and looked straight forward. “You’re right.” That wasn’t easy for me to say. “I’m sorry.”

I sighed and the silence returned. I had learned to loathe its presence, and decided to get rid of it while I had the ability. “So, are you going to tell your parents?”

“I can’t. No way. It’s out of the question.” Megan immediately and quickly replied.

I gave a low chuckle. “That was fast.”

“Adam, I was raised a John Miles Baptist. Both of my parents are incredibly ... y’know... ‘by the book.’ They would murder me.”

Well, thanks, John Miles, for making our lives that much more complicated. And speaking of hypothetical murder...

“So then what’s the plan?” I asked grimly. “Are you going to have the child, raise it? Or...”

“I can’t. I’m not having this child. I’m just ... I can’t.” Megan spat out, the convulsions of her crying returning to her.

“Not having it at all? So you’re not even putting it up for adoption? So that means...”

Megan buried her head into her knees and violently shook her head yes. I can’t imagine how much Mr. Miles would have approved of abortion, but personal morals aside, I could hardly blame Megan. I was scared as shit of this whole thing. Chills were running up my whole body, so much so that my blood was running cold. I was one wrong word away from having one of my full-on panic attacks. It was difficult to even ask her the questions I was asking, and I’m sure I was visibly shaking as much as her.

The small voice of Megan took me away from my inner hell. “What...” she began uneasily, then brought her head up. “What would you choose to do if this were your child?”

That just about did it. In a hysterical fashion, I flashed a smile that constantly twitched as I breathed out slowly and painfully. “There’s...” I choked out. “There’s a good chance it is mine, isn’t it?”

I couldn’t take it anymore. Like Megan, my head hit my knees and I was full-out crying. I didn’t want this. I wanted this whole thing to go away. I wanted nothing more at this moment than to just run away from Megan and never return. My whole body was uncomfortably shaking, so much so that every movement my body made almost took the wind out of me. It was my turn to be inconsolable, and based on Megan’s hesitantly placed hand on my back, I think she understood.

Everything raced through my mind. My parents, my future, my deadbeat child I would most assuredly never raise properly, and Nicole’s gaze. I couldn’t escape its path. I knew she would be disappointed in me, I just fucking knew it. It terrified me. This whole thing terrified me. I needed to switch this situation off, to wake up from this dream.

“Adam!” Megan said with force, tapping my back.

I just realized I was screaming. Full-on screaming into my knees. I was terrified. I wasn’t okay. None of this was okay.

“It’s okay.” Megan reassured me as I brought my head up. “We ... we have a lifeline here. I don’t want to do it but...” she grimaced. “we don’t have a choice.”

My teeth stopped chattering enough for me to form coherent words. “I think ... In ... in r-regards to your question...”

“Yeah?” she asked, weirdly interested in what I would do.

I could feel tears fill my eyes. “I couldn’t tell you what to do, Megan. If this ever happened to me, I could never look you in the eyes and tell you what to do. I’m sorry, it just seems so wrong. I would leave it up to the...” the last word hung in my throat like vomit. “ ... mother.”

Megan and I had the exact same instinct as we pulled each other into a frantic hug as we both nuzzled into the other’s shoulders. So it was decided then, Megan would have an abortion. What a fucking dirty word. It was her son. It was probably our son.It was sickening, the whole situation was sickening. As I tried to regain control over my breathing, I murmured a silent prayer i thanks that this happened with Megan and not May. The last thing I wanted was to have a reason to be trapped with her, especially if the reason was a chapter of life I was just not ready for.

Megan’s hand clung to my other shoulder, clawing at it as she attempted to nuzzle further in. “I’m so sorry, Adam.” she breathed. “I love you so much.”

Don’t say it.

“I love you too.”

Fuck.

She slowly brought up her head and I followed suit. “Thank you so much for being there for me,” she began. “You’re so kind and sweet and I don’t know what I would do without you.”

My eye twitched. I tried to remain eye contact with her, but I ended up scoffing and looking down at the floor.

“What?” Megan innocently asked.

Well, every fucking thing was happening today. I may as well let today be ‘truth hurts’ day. National holiday or something, why the fuck not?

“Megan ... I haven’t been good for you at all.” I began. Tears began coming back, letting me know that I was going to have to fight to get through what I wanted to say. “You were thirteen when we first ... did stuff. Like, fucking thirteen. And all because I made you feel like you needed to have sex with me to get me. I made you act all submissive for me, I made you my sex toy, all because it made me enjoy it. I feel ... I feel like...” I sighed and faced the floor.

“I feel like I turned you into a slut who gets off on being used.” I told her gravely. “And now here you are, fifteen guys later. One of those guys is Carson, who likes to use girls too. And you’re pregnant, and you’re unsure if you have an STD, and ... and your relationship with your brother is ruined, and you keep doing things that damage you, and...” I shut my eyes tight to extract any tears then opened them again. “I can’t help but feel like your life would be so much better if you never met me. I’m not good for you. I’ve been a shitty boyfriend and a worse friend.”

Megan said nothing and looked to the floor. We both said nothing for a bit. Hello silence my old friend.

“When I say I love you, I don’t mean as a lover.” Megan said slowly. It was a new tone for Megan. Authority. It almost scared me. I looked up at her face to see a facial expression I never saw before. It was seriousness, but not anger, like if she were in Debate Club or something.

“But that doesn’t mean there’s no connection there. I love you, and I can see it in your eyes. You love me. That’s why you say it.” She paused for effect. “You curse yourself every time you say it. I can see that in your eyes too.”

I looked at her in shock, and she gave a small, low laugh.

“I’m not the simpleton you take me for, Adam. I notice things. You cringe because you think that love has the connotation of a lover. But it doesn’t. Look me in the eyes. Think of everything we’ve done.”

Not knowing why, I stared deeply into her beautiful, doe-like, brown eyes.

“I love you.” she said, slowly and meaningfully.

“I love you too.” I feebly managed.

“But ... we’re not lovers, are we?” she asked me seriously.

I shook my head no. “I don’t think we are.”

She bit her bottom lip. “Okay.” Gathering her strength, she stood up. “Then I’m definitely getting that abortion.”

I have no clue what was going through Megan’s mind. In the space of about a minute, she changed. She was no longer the shy, sweet little girl. Even her playful aura was not as contrasting to her shyness as this. She had something she was craving for a long time now – authority and boldness, the kind that could make her respected. How unfortunate that if this last, she had to get her inner authoritative attitude this way. Secretly, I had hoped she’d go back to the old Megan tomorrow, that this event had no consequences.

But that was stupid of me. Consequences were very real. They were abundant, and they were not over.

“ ... And out of nowhere, you want to hang out?” Paul asked me, concluding his point.

“Yeah, so what?” I asked.

He shrugged, putting his car into park. “I just feel like it’s not just hanging out. Is there something specific you need to ask me?”

“No.” I told him truthfully. “I just figured since you’re moving away soon this will be the only opportunity I get.” Okay, that part was a lie. I just wanted to get away from anyone who had intimate knowledge of anything that happened within the past month, but still wanted to hang out with someone. Knowledge-hungry yet clueless Paul seemed like the best option at this point.

“Ah.” He grinned at me. “So you heard about Peterson University, huh?”

“Yeah, I heard. Congrats!” I had to force my enthusiasm.

“Thanks.” He opened the car and got out. “I’m excited. Psychology. Understand people. Change the world. All that jazz.”

I followed him out and sized up his house. It wasn’t bad. It seemed like he came from a decently affluent background. “Nice place.”

“Oh, you think so?” he asked coyly as he practically danced his way to the front door. “Crazy enough, it has an inside too!”

This was going to be a long day. I went inside and kicked my shoes off, noting the house’ ‘urban rich kid’ house smell. “Will your parents mind that I’m staying over?”

“Even if they did, they won’t get to meet you.” Paul told me. “You said you had to be back at the school for 6:30, right?”

It was Wednesday. Karate started at 7:00 and like hell Nicole was willing to drive her prized possession to Paul’s place. In fact, ‘like hell’ were her words exactly.

“My dads aren’t home until 7:00 at the earliest. Sorry if you wanted to meet them or anything.”

“Nah, it’s okay. I came here to hang out with you, not your ... dads.” I felt guilty with the way I handled the last word, but either Paul didn’t notice or ignored me.

Paul gave me finger guns and grinned. “Sweet. Okay, in that case I have only a few hours to show you everything you’ve been missing. First up, Skyrim. Follow me.” He thundered down the stairs to his basement.

“You seem to be in a really good mood.” I called after him, walking down the stairs behind him only to realize he was nowhere in sight.

A can of something came at me out of nowhere. I barely caught it. I looked at the can to discover it was Coke. “My performance piece is done.” Paul announced, coming out of the darkness back into the room with another can in his hand.

“How’d you do?” I asked.

“I have no freaking clue.” He grinned. “But it’s over.” He walked past me to a couch setup with a fairly big TV and a games console. Popping in a disc while I sat down, Paul sighed contentedly.

I figured now was the time to address a point I remembered from Salvador some time ago, since he seemed unlikely to let anything get him down now. “Do you just not care about living up to your potential in drama class?”

“Been talking to Salvador, have you?” Paul asked back immediately. He turned back to my face, no doubt showing that I had been taken off guard, and raised his eyebrows twice at me before breaking into another smile.

“What gave it away?” I asked.

“He asked the exact same question not too long ago. Something some people might call ‘too harsh.’ Luckily Salvador knows I can take it.” He sat down next to me and handed me a controller. “Start a new game.”

“So what, you just don’t care about not doing well in that class?” I asked him a little incredulously.

“Ouch.” he chuckled. “Sounds like you’ve only been talking to him. Salvador and I both know that I’m the best actor in the class. Not to toot my own horn, but one of the best in the school.”

“Except for Nicole.” I countered.

“Nicole can do better impressions, but she doesn’t quite have the heart for it. She’s a little too hesitant.” Paul said, almost to himself, cracking open his can and taking a swig. My primary reaction was to scoff, but for some reason I thought about it. It wasn’t really in Paul to lie. It kind of made sense for him to be a better actor than her given the weaknesses she had shown me time and time again.

“So when Salvador complains that I’m not living up to my potential, he’s not upset that I’m doing badly...”

“He’s upset that you’re performing at everyone else’s level when you could be the class star.” I concluded.

“Bingo.” Paul remarked between sips. “I had to work my butt off given how terrible I was in grade 9, but that doesn’t mean I have to live up to his standards just because I can. It won’t benefit him when I’m gone, it’s just Salvador nosing his way into people’s personal lives, as usual.” He took a long sip before continuing. “Which he will continue to deny until his dying day.”

“What?”

“He says this, he always says it...” Paul cleared his throat and put on his best Salvador voice. “I hope to be someone you can talk to, but not your friend. I am not your friend, I am your teacher. Having an intuition for people’s inner workings doesn’t make me their friend.”

“He said that?” I asked.

“Exactly like that when I called him out.” Paul nodded.

“What did you call him out for? I asked, half-watching the opening cutscene of the game.

“You probably know I was with Brianne Lynne last year.” Paul started, then waited for my nod before continuing. “Salvador has a habit of playing favorites. He babies some students for no reason other than the fact that he likes ‘em. He babied the shit out of Brianne, and I called him out for it.”

“Then what did he say?” I asked.

“I just told you.” Paul told me with a smirk.

“Right, right...” I trailed off.

“Some intuition anyways if he can’t even figure out when students don’t want to lead. I think he’s also upset at me for not going above-and-beyond because my year has no leaders. Neither does next year’s class, by the way. Since you brought her up, I can tell you Nicole breezes through the class and her mind is always somewhere else. She acts like drama is her spare class.”

Ah yes. The mythical spare class. That was our name for the optional elective in grade 12. Since you only needed so many completed classes to graduate, some students opted to take one less class and use the time to complete homework from other classes or just straight-up sleep in or something.

“The only actor in my year who really seems to give a crap is myself, and why should I have to lead everyone when drama isn’t my future? It wouldn’t grind my gears so much if he didn’t treat it like it was an obligation. I can act, it doesn’t mean I want to rally everyone else.” Paul continued.

“Is that why you were so upset that day I saw you talking about the performance with ... Was her name Lauren?” I asked.

Paul took a sharp inhale and laughed to himself. “Ooh, Lauren. Yeah. That was a thing.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“Not a fight, no...” He scratched the back of his head. “It’s just that she doesn’t dedicate herself to her performance like I do. This year we were asked to put on our own play. Write it, direct it, make the set, the whole thing. The unit is called One Acts, and it’s a shit-ton of work.”

“Sounds like it.” I commented.

“Lauren didn’t really know what she was in for and because I couldn’t work with most of the cats in our class, I went with her for the duo piece I wrote.” Paul continued. “In fact, no one in the class can apparently write either. My piece was the only one that ended up passing Salvador’s quality check, everyone else got a pre-written script.”

“Nice job.” I interjected.

“Thanks. So I find out that her performing style is wooden. Like, super wooden. By the way, here’s where you just to choose your character.” He pointed to the screen. “Make it whatever you want, apart from your race it really doesn’t matter. So she can’t act, she can’t memorize a script, and she maybe makes it to half of the rehearsals. She jeopardizes my play, so I figure, enh, if Salvador wants me to take initiative, I will. I march into his office and demand a switch of cast. I take steps to ensure my play goes down smoothly and well, and he says no.” He scratched his head again. “Like ... that’s just hypocritical. And no disrespect to Lauren. Just like I have no obligation to live up to his standards, she doesn’t have any obligation to live up to mine.”

I nodded. “That’s good of you.” I lamely commented out loud. “Is this good? Is it bad to pick an Imperial?”

“Nah, that’s actually smart if you’re new to the game. The Imperial ability comes in handy a lot.” he commented with the same lame tone to his voice. “At any rate, I did the best with what I was given, but I whipped Lauren hard to get it. I imagine she hates me now.”

“Do you hate her?” I asked.

“Nah, of course not. Hating someone because they hate you is childish. Let’s take you, for example. I would imagine May doesn-”

“I...” I interrupted loudly, holding up a hand. “ ... wouldn’t go there.”

“Ooh, is there a-”

“I’m serious. Please. Someday I might tell you, but for now ... another topic please.” I pleaded with the most serious voice I could muster.

“Uh, yeah. Of course. I’m sorry.” Paul replied genuinely. He got points for that. “I’ll tell you what. Want me to whip up something for us? I thought I got some frozen pizzas upstairs.” He got up out of his seat, regaining his smile.

“Uh, yeah, that would be great!” I replied, trying to regain my composure. At least he was polite about it. As I watched him disappear up the stairs, I put down the controller and checked my phone.I hadn’t checked it since school – as a matter of fact, I was dreading it, ever since Monday. Sure enough, that dread stared me straight in the face as the glow of the screen hit my eyes.

Im having the abortion, everything is planned

I sighed, never taking my eyes away from the text. Megan. I suppose I should have been grateful this was the only time I would be texted something like this, given how much trouble I got into. But still, I couldn’t take my eyes away. I was looking over every word, judging, thinking, overthinking. Still, I suppose I had to respond with something.

I’m sorry. Is there anything I need to do?

Sent. Wait, shit.

Or anything I can do for you?

The dreaded double text. Still, I would have rather come across as clingy than a guy who didn’t care about my own friend. And ... my own child. Shit, that still shook me something fierce. I was only 14, fuck, Megan was barely 14 and we already brought a child into the world.

And now we were taking it out of the world.

No. I dont want to talk about it

That was fair enough by all accounts, but it sure as hell didn’t make me feel better about anything. All I could do was stare at my phone and think about Megan, how she must have been feeling.

“Okay, it’s in!” Paul announced as he paraded down the stairs. “All I had was classic pepperoni and cheese. That sound okay?”

“Uh, yeah.” I shouted back as I shoved my phone into my pocket and stifled a sniffle. “Yeah, that’s okay!”

“Cool, what’s up in the world of the Dovahkiin?” Paul asked, taking a gander at the TV screen. “Ah. Nothing, huh?”

“Sorry, I was texting someone.” I meekly replied.

“Hey, no worries.” he replied, sitting back down. “Pizza will be twenty minutes. Someone I know?”

“Um-”

“Trick question. I know everyone at school.” Paul replied smugly.

“I...” I didn’t really want to tell him Megan. I knew myself well enough to know that if I told him truthfully, I would be telling him the whole truth before long, and just as it was wiser to let the dead rest in peace, it was wiser to let Paul remain clueless. “Nicole.”

He sat up. “Nicole? So, you two are remaining in contact, huh?”

Oh shit. ‘Nicole’ was the first name that came to mind, and by the looks of things, that decision backfired badly.

“Uh, yeah.” I mumbled. “We’re all good now. Besties.”

“Huh.” he sat back, eyeing the TV, bother written all over his face.

“What’s up?” Speaking of Salvador, this was a clear-as-day status shift in action. As long as the spotlight was not on me, I was fully content to milk this.

“Hm?” He looked over at me in slight confusion. “What?”

“Well ... there’s something there, right?” I asked him. “You reacted weirdly.”

“I don’t think I did.” he dismissed me.

“You don’t have to think you did, you still did.” I boldly pointed out. “Did you and her have a fight?”

“Nah, nothing like that.” he clarified.

“So there is something!” I retaliated.

He grinned. “No there isn’t, you little snoop.”

“Come on...” I egged him on. “You wouldn’t have said something like that if there wasn’t anything.”

“Are you using my own tactics against me?” His grin wasn’t fading.

“Is it working?” I grinned back.

Paul laughed into his hands. “Not bad, not bad.” he admitted.

My eyes gleamed. “Is it too private for me to know? Like, is it something bad?” Bam, the double bluff. Make it sound bad so he’s forced to clarify that’s it’s not ... by spilling the beans.

He laughed to himself. “You’re not going to let this go until I tell you, are you?”

“Nope!” I wanted to know. Ever since hearing it from Nicole’s end, and then seeing it time and time again, I was dying to know Paul’s side of the story. Hell, I was 110% ready to hear Paul tell me about that time he did this one thing that abused her trust and like a candle in the windowsill being blown out forever, she was never able to trust him again. Nicole seemed hard on the outside, but especially given her past with Jeff Love and now Phil, it seemed like something that could easily have happened.

“Fine, but it’s really nothing. Hell, it’s lame.”

“I live for lame. I’m craving something lame at this point.” I honestly admitted. “With all the shit that’s gone on in the past little bit, I would love something lame.”

Paul grinned. “Teenage drama?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

He adjusted in his seat. “Well, it’s stupid, but...” he chuckled, almost nervously, to himself. It was clear that Paul was usually on the receiving end of the gossip train, not the giving train. I couldn’t tell whether he was enjoying this rare opportunity to be on the other side, or hating it. Or somewhere between the two.

“Again, it sounds stupid at first until I explain myself. I have a crush on Nicole.”

“That’s it?” I asked out of reflex.

“Right? On the surface it seems so stupid. But it’s bigger than anything I’ve ever felt. I like to think I’m a guy who doesn’t feel much. Like, if life were a sitcom, I’m that comic relief character everyone appreciates but no one actually focuses on. And I’m actually really content with that. But occasionally I like to try to be my own ‘main character’ for once, especially with things I feel passionate about. I feel passionate about solving people’s problems. So, I’m taking psych at Peterson. That kind of thing.”

“So you did something involving Nicole and it backfired?” I guessed. That must have been it.

He chuckled, this time with a twinge of sadness to it. “I kind of wish that was the case. Then at least I could have some closure out of it. Nah, it was just some point in grade ten – she was the shy nobody at that point. Too scared to open her mouth and make something of herself. Like, this was before Jeff and everything. I got it bad for her early – Bri always hated her too. I think she knew I knew she was special.”

“So Brianne broke up with you over Nicole?”

“Oh hell no. We broke up because we were bad for each other, but that’s another story entirely. Anyways, so she was obviously going for Jeff, but he didn’t even know who she was yet. I stupidly think to myself, ‘hey, there’s a chance.’ And even if there weren’t, I always play for the long-term goal. Suppose I try to connect with her, and it goes nowhere, despite me slowly trying to warm up to her after two years. At least I got a good friend out of that. It’s how I got anything and everything remotely close to a girlfriend. Most importantly, there was barely any drama out of it.”

I half-smiled. No drama, huh? I should have been taking notes. It was kind of sweet of Paul to have that outlook – it wasn’t exactly Ghandi, but at least he was being respectful. After a freshman year full of assholes, it was sadly refreshing.

“And with Nicole, I ... it ... You ever been in love, Adam?”

The question came out of absolutely nowhere, taking me off-guard completely. “Wuh, me?”

Paul looked around the room. “Is there anyone else in here?” He stared at me intently and asked me more slowly, drawing out every word. “Have you ever been in love? And I don’t mean loving someone. I mean being in love.”

I opened my mouth, then shut it, looking away from Paul in thought. I thought for a long time about every interaction I had with Nicole, then everything I ever said and did with Megan. Hell, even as much as it left a bitter taste in my mouth, May popped into my head as I wondered the question. Everything before freshman year seemed irrelevant as I looked over the three unique situations.

“I don’t think I have.”

Paul nodded, a small smile forming on his lips. “Good answer. As many times as I’ve been involved in some kind of romantic situation, I don’t think I could say I’ve been in love more than once.”