Chapter 4

December 20, 2014

"Damn! Why can't I get this thing to look right?" Fitz muttered, as he stood in front of the long mirror in his bedroom struggling with the bowtie to his tuxedo. He just needed to tie his tie and slip on his jacket and he'd be ready to leave for David's annual Christmas party.

Fitz untied the mess he's made of his black silk tie, and making sure the ends were even he started again. This time he thought about all the times Naomi had stood in front of him and tied it for him. Four or five times a year they'd dress formally, usually for some charity event where he'd have to wear a tux. Most of the events were boring, but Naomi delighted in getting 'dressed up' and he would enjoy the envious stares of the other patrons as he escorted the most beautiful woman in Chicago.

He imagined her there in front of him as she expertly and quickly tied his tie. He'd watch her as she caught her lower lip in her teeth as she concentrated, her head tilted slightly down, her blond hair framing her beautiful face, blue eyes fixed on making his tie just right. Then she'd look up, and in heels they were about eye to eye, and he'd see the love in her eyes. He'd put his hands on her slim hips and draw her to him and her arms would go around his neck and they'd kiss. He loved her kisses.

He saw himself in the mirror; tie still a mess, arms stretched out as if holding her, his face smiling for a change, waiting for the pain of loss that didn't come. It had been five years, and some days the pain was as fresh as the day she died, but not today. Today she was with him in happy memories.

"Naomi, we had such good times didn't we?"

Fitz looked once more at his reflection thinking about the happiness they had shared.

He and Naomi had met in college. He was four years older, a Southside kid with a scar on his face who had had some rough edges, and who had just returned from four years of patching up wounded Marines in various hell-holes around the world. Naomi was a downstate girl from Decatur who had been raised on a farm. He was in love the first time he saw her. By the luck of the draw, or as he believed, divine providence, she had been assigned as his lab partner in the chemistry class they shared. She was on a science track as was he, so they shared many classes and somehow always managed to sit near each other and most certainly be lab partners. Looking back on it he realized it was she who had made that happen.

Naomi was as smart as she was beautiful and so farm girl and city guy somehow managed to find a lot in common, more than just their love of science.

Early on, she asked him, "How do you do it?" meaning how did he so quickly dissect another specimen. She was far from squeamish and did her share, but it was Fitz, who even then showed the skills it took to be a successful surgeon. Brilliant Naomi excelled in research. It wasn't that Fitz wasn't interested, it was just he was pretty direct and once he identified a problem he wasn't as interested in what caused it as how to cure it. He had often mused that it may have been his four years watching the Marines taking the 'direct' route – charge!

The summer after their freshman year their budding relationship was interrupted when Naomi had to go home and help with the farm and earn some money. Fitz helped out at his dad's car dealerships and discovered he had a knack for selling cars and trucks, often making the more experienced salesmen jealous. In between his duties at his father's car lots – he had seven by then; Fitz volunteered with the fire department after earning his EMT designation. The summer went fast but not fast enough.

He and Naomi tried to talk or email as much as they could, but in those days email was in its infancy and connections were often slow and temperamental. He was happy his father and Naomi's father were early adopters. It was also before cell phones and free long distance became the norm so calls to her house were expensive. He missed her dreadfully. How much easier it would have been if they'd had cell phones and could text like the college students today. They had even written each other letters and sent cards. How Twentieth Century!

Standing in front of 'her' mirror he vividly remembered when she had returned to campus after that summer. It was a warm Chicago end of summer day and he was seated on a bench outside her dorm when her dad drove up in the family's silver Dodge minivan. Naomi didn't see him at first as she got out of the back with a suitcase in each hand. She was wearing jean shorts and a tank top and sandals. He got up and walked toward her, thinking she'd become even more beautiful over the summer. It was almost as if she could sense him. She was saying something to her mother when she paused in mid-sentence and turned around. Her smile told him her feelings still matched his and his heart leapt. Naomi jumped into his arms almost bowling him over and kissed him with the pent up longing that over three months of separation could bring.

Once he was able to untangle, he stepped toward Naomi's parents to say hello. Fitz had upgraded his wardrobe for today to jeans and a polo shirt instead of his usual jeans and a t-shirt. He had met them a few times over the academic year when they made the two-hundred mile trip to Chicago to visit Naomi. He wondered what they thought of her obvious display of affection. Her dad, Tom, a big man with a farmer's tan, who was dressed much like Fitz, just smiled. On the other hand, her mother, tall, blonde thin and attractive like Naomi, dressed in a pale peach summer dress and low sandals, seemed worried.

"Mom and dad, you remember Fitz Jamison don't you?" She had yet to let go of him with one arm firmly secured to his waist.

They both acknowledged him. Her dad was always his ally – he didn't quite know why, maybe because he saw in him the drive and determination it would take to be successful and someone who would take care of his daughter. Naomi's mother watched the two of them and after a glance at Tom, said, "Fitz it's nice to see you again." Perhaps she had hoped the summer separation had cooled the relationship, but from her daughter's actions it was obvious that the separation had done just the opposite.

That day was a turning point in their relationship and they both knew it. Neither could imagine life without the other. As Fitz was helping unload the minivan he managed to get a few minutes with Naomi's dad,

"Sir, I love Naomi and I intend to marry her and I want to assure you that I will take care of her and be the best husband a man can be. I hope you will give us your blessing..."

He had practiced what he was going to say several times, but that was all he could get out.

Tom couldn't sustain a concerned look and smiled broadly, much to Fitz's relief. "Fitz, I've never seen her happier ... and then more miserable this summer when you were separated. I knew each time one of your cards arrived. She had them all displayed on her dresser, making her older sister jealous. And every time she'd call or write during the school year she was bursting with happiness, thanks to you. So yes, you have my blessing ... especially if you can get me a good deal on a new Chevy truck!" he laughed, and then added, "Don't look so surprised, I checked up on you, I even talked to your dad."

Fitz was stunned. Dad had not mentioned any such conversation, but perhaps it was a dad thing. He was just grateful they had gotten along. Of course they were both successful business men, Rotarians and very much connected to their communities.

"What about Mrs. Johansson?"

"You let me worry about that. A new truck for me and grandchildren for her and everyone's happy!" he laughed.

Fitz smiled again. As that academic year went by Naomi's mother had finally and graciously accepted the inevitable and he quickly became part of the family. Grandmother Jamison fell in love with Naomi early on and that cemented Naomi's place in his family. And when the twins were born, as far as Naomi's mother was concerned, you'd have thought he was the greatest son-in-law in the world.

So tonight was the annual Christmas bash. For years it was held at David and Keri's big Lake Forrest home. Certainly more convenient he mused since their place was only two streets away, but starting last year, post-divorce; David had moved it to the top floor of a building downtown on Lake Shore Drive, nearer his new home.

Fitz really did think what had happened was unfortunate. He was one of the few who David had told about the true cause of the divorce, although it was a pretty abbreviated version without the details of who or when.

Keri, on the other hand had been much more open about what she called her 'monumental fuck up.' She was still his friend – they had been friends for many years and she had been a very important shelter in the storm when Naomi got sick, and in those dark terrible days and weeks after she died. His girls adored their godmother, and because of affection and proximity they saw her often.

Many times since the divorce she had visited and cried on his shoulder. She would put on a smiling face as she helped with dinner and got the girls to bed, and then when the house was quiet she'd join him on the big sofa in front of the fire drink in hand and sob until she had no more tears. Those nights he wouldn't let her go home he'd just get her to the guest bedroom and get her comfortable, sometimes holding her for long periods until she slept. The continuing guilt and the divorce had crushed Keri.

Outwardly she seemed the same Keri – her public face even to David was unchanged hiding her inner turmoil. She seemed to work even harder but Fitz realized that the divorce had changed her, the flinty edges she had somehow acquired over the past few years were now replaced by the softness he had known when they first met and Keri had 'adopted' the young college couple. The narcissism that had marked her growing success had also disappeared – she was still a beautiful vibrant woman but now she was back to the kind and giving Keri he had known when Naomi was alive.

After a night in the guestroom she always was up early cheerfully getting breakfast for him and the girls. Despite frequent contact and evenings spent comforting her, there was nothing sexual between them. Both realized the special nature of their friendship and didn't want to do anything to spoil that relationship.

Ruefully he admitted that there were times he was tempted. She was beautiful, sexy and close, but he had resisted and recently she had seemed to be doing much better.

Since Naomi had died Keri had also been his willing emergency babysitter. Now thirteen, the girls could mostly take care of themselves, but if he was going to be gone overnight Keri would be the one to call.

One time, early in the divorce process David had been in his cups and had confided that perhaps it was easier to accept the death of a spouse than her betrayal. Fitz had disagreed, but kept that to himself. He admitted Keri had hurt him badly and the worst part was that, to David it seemed, Keri had failed to grasp the enormity of her betrayal and hurt she had caused him. She had tried to shrug off the affair with John Wiley as if it mattered little to her. Fitz knew from his conversations with Keri that was not the case. Keri accepted the blame but Fitz also felt she was the victim of an expert manipulator and seducer but he kept his opinion to himself - at least to David. Of course David knew John Wiley's reputation and maybe that made it harder for him to reconcile knowing she had fallen for his line of BS. Fitz wondered what would have happened if David had not met Teresa while the divorce was pending. He thought it was unlikely he would have reunited with Keri. Fitz knew that David was a man who valued trust and once that trust was broken there was no going back. Fitz was happy that David and Keri had finally reached a point where they were comfortable enough to be around each other and communicated, perhaps not frequently, but enough so their girls felt they could invite both parents to functions where they celebrated milestones in their lives.

Like every Christmas since Naomi died, Fitz considered skipping the party, but David was his best friend and godfather to his daughters and even in the throng of the who's who of Chicago, David, and Teresa would miss him. This was the first year that Teresa would host as David's wife. He and the girls had gotten to know Teresa and Siofra and the three girls had become friends. Of late, the twins had become quite insistent that he take them to Ireland when school got out for the summer. Maybe that was what he needed – a change of scenery. It had certainly worked for David! Teresa had offered Mary's cottage for as long as he and the girls wanted it. Maybe it was time. Suddenly a picture blossomed in his head – he and Cassandra Wallace walking together through green Irish hills.

He shook his head. Where had that image come from?

He knew exactly where. She had been in his thoughts frequently since their first and only meeting in May at the Queen Anne and David hadn't helped. More than occasionally, David would make some remark about how well Cassandra was fitting in with the firm and would urge him to come to lunch. He said he'd arrange for Cassandra and some of the associates to join in. David normally took a few of the associates out at least once a month so it would be no big deal for Fitz to 'just happen by' and be asked to join them. Determined to resist David's attempt at match-making, Fitz had declined each invitation.

Suddenly it occurred to him that more than likely Cassandra would be at the party tonight. He had to admit that he was attracted to her or at least to the memory of her, but every time he remembered how she looked as she strode through the lobby the morning after they met, he'd sigh and think, 'definitely too young.' That morning she had come across more like a confident beautiful teen than a successful young attorney.

What would he do if he saw her tonight? Good question, then he dismissed it. She'd probably not even recognize him. And it wasn't like he could just stroll up to her, he imagined her surrounded by male admirers, or even with a date, and say, 'Hi, remember me, I'm the guy who rescued you from the jerk who was bothering you at the Queen Anne in London. And by the way, I'm not British, nor do I work for the hotel, I was just putting on an act for no good reason I can think of... ' That imagined scene made him smile. No, if he saw her, he'd just keep away. God knew David's parties were always crowded so that might not be so difficult.

He wondered why he didn't feel guilty thinking about someone other than Naomi. Perhaps it was okay to have a little fantasy, especially since he really knew that the idea of Cassandra bring attracted to him was ridiculous. She probably had half a dozen boyfriends beating a path to her door anyway. Plus, what would the twins say? More likely what would Cassandra say when she discovered he had twin teens at home?

"Dad the town car is here!" He was jolted from pleasant but confused thoughts of Cassandra by the arrival of his thirteen year-old daughter Jessamy.

She came into the bedroom and put her arm around his waist. When had she gotten so tall? She was probably almost as tall as Naomi was – maybe five seven or eight by now. She was dressed casually in jeans and a red fuzzy wool sweater, her short blonde hair pulled away from her face with an enameled clip. He remembered Naomi wearing that clip.

Watching the two reflections she said, "Gee dad, you clean up nice ... but what's with the tie?"

He smiled and she saw it coming, "Damn it Jess, I'm a doctor..."

She just rolled her eyes, having heard that phase a few too many times. She stepped in front of him and took the ends of the tie in hand, muttering something about, "helpless men."

He watched her concentrate, her posture and tilt of her head was heartbreakingly like her mother, as she quickly and skillfully tied his tie.

"There," she said as she moved back to his side so he could admire her handiwork.

Pleased, he said, "Amazing ... Where'd you learn to do that?"

She put one hand on her hip and smiled and said, "YouTube, where else? You should check it out some time!" Her smile turned into a giggle.

He tried to stifle a grin of his own as he replied, "You know I expect they'll be showing how to do surgery soon and then where will we be? I'll be out of work and you and your sister will have to get jobs ... probably in a sweatshop."

Jessamy put her hand to her mouth unsuccessfully stifling another giggle.

He considered how lucky he was to have his girls. It was interesting for identical twins they had each gone their own way. Jessamy, 'Jess' was the introspective one. She was more like him, more solitary, straight 'A' student, individual athlete depending solely on her own efforts, long distance runner and swimmer, martial arts, and a vociferous reader. Her sister, Anwen, was the opposite. She was a solid 'B' student because she didn't care as much about academics, and she was all about team sports, especially volleyball and softball. Anwen wore her hair long and in a ponytail like all the other girls on her team. He loved them both and felt very protective, and they were growing up much too fast.

Jessamy, grabbed his tux jacket from the back of the chair and helped him on with it, and then gave him a long look of appraisal. "I think you look great, dad. Maybe I should go along to keep the hordes of women at bay!"

It was his turn to laugh. "Remember, women make me nervous..."

"Mom didn't make you nervous did she?"

"She did, but I was so crazy in love with her I got over it ... Did I ever tell you about the day I proposed?"

Jessamy wore a thoughtful look as she shook her head.

"It was late summer just after school started for our sophomore year and we were walking through campus, coming back from the library. We were strolling hand in hand enjoying the warm evening and I stopped out there in the open under the stars and I turned to your mother and took both her hands and ... well I was so nervous that I blurted, "Naomi, I love you, and I always will. Please marry me."