Chapter 2

All things come to those who wait, but the best things will be taken by those who get there first

Over the next two weeks Patrick's outlook slowly changed, leaving the destructiveness of sickness and death behind him and focusing on hope and positive thought. It wasn't as easy as turning on a light switch, but being that it was a positive approach it easier than he thought it would be.

It was also helped along by his sister's positive reinforcement during their trips to the Medical Center for dialysis as she began opening up about her thoughts and dreams of the future, of finding love, settling down, and having kids.

Almost quietly he began to think of those things for himself. For the first time of his life he thought of finding love, getting married and settling down, and starting a family. And after a couple of weeks it became real to him that he could attain these dreams. Life was finally looking good to him.

It was a visit to the doctor's office that tested his resolve as the stark realities of life once again came to the forefront and sent the cold hand of death in his direction. Every three months he would go have his blood drawn in the doctor's office, and the next day they would go in to see Doctor Sawyer to review the results. It was a routine visit to check on his levels and ensure that his kidneys had not worsened and his diabetes was in check.

His mom always accompanied him to his doctor's appointments and this time was no exception even though she had a job. His mom was always upbeat and jovial, which was her normal demeanor, but she seemed even more so lately, maybe because of his new found positive outlook and demeanor, which was not lost to his family.

Doctor Sawyer was a middle aged woman with light brown hair and was slightly overweight. She was always eager to talk and never held back, not one word. So when they walked into her office she was waiting for them and said, "Hello Patrick, Mrs. Bailey, how are the two of you?"

Before he could answer his Mom jumped in, "Good Dr. Sawyer and yourself?"

"Fine thank you." Turning to him she asked, "So Patrick how have you been doing?"

He smiled broadly and said, "Great."

She raised her eyebrows in surprise before she asked, "How is dialysis?"

He lost his smile and said, "Terrible."

"I would imagine it is." She smiled and said, "So, let's look at the results of your blood work." She reached over her desk and pulled his file out and looked over the results. She spent a lot of time going over the two pages, one sheet front and back, before looking at Patrick, "There are some numbers that look a little off. I think we should run a few more tests to make sure nothing else is going on. I will setup the appointment for tomorrow. If that's good for you?"

With concern in her voice his mom asked, "So soon?"

Looking back at the report she said, "Yes, I think it would be best."

Concerned he asked, "What do you see in my blood work?"

She put the report down and looked into his eyes and calmly said, "The numbers are just not where they should be, they are closer to where they were when you first came to see me."

He could feel his throat tighten as he asked, "So, the cancer?"

She shook her head no, "I don't think so, but there is not enough information to say with any certainty. The concern I have is that the numbers are off when they shouldn't be. You might think that these numbers have something to do with your kidney problems but they don't, it is something else, and the sooner that we can identify what the cause of the anomaly, the sooner we can resolve the condition."

"But there is nothing there to say I'm cancer free."

"Until we get the results of the next tests, let's just forget about your previous sickness as it is entirely possible that this anomaly we found in the blood work is caused by something unrelated."

He looked intently at her, neither her voice or eyes gave any indication that she was holding anything back, that anything in the report said that his cancer had come back. Not knowing if he should be happy or sad he sighed and said, "Okay, thanks Doctor Sawyer" and got up to go.

But as he turned to walk out it was clear that his mom had other intentions as she began to ask a few more questions so he sat down and waited. To him none of the other questions were relevant, either the cancer is back or it isn't. We won't find out today. So what the heck?

He wasn't sure how to feel about this news, or non news. In everything that he had gone through before, nothing was as devastating as hearing that he might have cancer, but now he was on pins and needles waiting for the tests to find out what the heck is going on in his body.

The next day was back at the Medial Center for the tests, they drew more blood and did a PET scan of his chest. Nothing unusual and no pain, and it was over in ninety minutes. They went home, had lunch and waited until the next day to for their appointment with Doctor Sawyer. This time Dad was coming with them.

They were brought into the doctor's office and sat down. The tenseness of his parents was very strong and if he cared about the results he might have been tense as well. But he already knew what it was going to be. Well, hoped anyway. Only Patricia and her dad knew that he had given up, and with today's results everyone else would know as well.

Doctor Sawyer stuck her head in the door, "Sorry for the delay, I had to call up about where the results from the tests are, and as I was on the phone the messenger just walked and dropped them off. So I have them here but I haven't been able to look them over, so if you could give me a few minutes to review them I'll be right back."

His dad looked up, and though he wasn't happy with waiting, he replied, "That's fine Doctor Sawyer."

Five minutes later Doctor Sawyer walked in carrying the results. As she sat down she looked Patrick in the eye and said, "The results show that the cancer is back. It's not as large as the first time, but like the first time we cannot operate to remove it. I'll contact the Medical Center and we will put together a plan on treatment, Chemo most likely, and there are a couple of new drugs winding their way through clinical trials that might be available, I will be checking on that today..."

Before he knew it he asked, "So, uhm, what does it look like? My chances?"

She looked him in the eye and said, "I don't know for certain. With it being only a few years after your last treatment your body might not have been able to fully recover, it's still weak and might not be able to fight it off like before. And with the addition of kidney failure and diabetes, both will impact your body's ability to help maintain itself. It also depends on how fast it is growing and where it'll spread if it cannot be stopped."

"If you were to guess, how long."

"Hard to say, but if you push me, six months, a year."

His Mom jumped in and asked, "But you can treat it?"

"Yes, we can treat it."

"What are my chances with the treatment?"

"I can't way with any accuracy."

It was slowly getting to him, all the years of fighting were taking its toll as he asked, through gritted teeth, "Guess."

She showed surprise as his anger but only momentarily as she said, "Thirty percent."

FUCK! "Even with chemo?"

"Yes."

"Still have to go to dialysis?"

"Yes. Nothing changes in your current treatments."

He sighed heavily and asked, "And there are no other choices, no options, that's it?"

"I can refer you to several doctors for second opinions."

His mom once again jumped in and asked, "How soon do we start the chemo?"

"I won't know until I talk with the Medical Center staff on availability. I'll call them after we are done and make the arrangements. Best case would be to start as soon as possible, tomorrow if it's available, if not, the day after."

They spent the next twenty minutes discussing what would happen within the next week, when the next PET scan should be done, and a preliminary schedule for chemo. Patrick just backed away and withdrew into himself. He was happy that the cancer had returned.

And as he sat there listening to them talk about what he was going to go through he found something in him that he didn't expect. Fear. He wasn't afraid of death. It had been a close companion of his for so long that to have him back was of no consequence. His fear was going through what they were talking about. Everything that happened before was about to happen again, only worse because he knew he was going to die and they were going to make him do chemo. The hair loss, the nausea, the weight loss, the loss of energy. All of it.

The ride home was quiet. His mom tried engaging him in conversation but he just didn't have it in him to say more than one or two word answers. His dad must have sensed his reluctance to talk and took up the conversation saving him from further questions.

By the time they got home the sun was low in the sky and dinner was waiting on the table. He wasn't hungry and went to his room, well, he lied, he was hungry but there was no way that he would be able to take being there when his parents broke the news that the cancer was back. He lay back on his bed and tried to let his mind wander, but no matter how hard he tried the conversation in the kitchen kept drawing him back. The crying from Valerie, the cracking of Patricia's voice as she asked questions were enough for him and he cursed himself all over again. Like ripping off a band aid, he wished that he could just end it now and give them peace rather than letting it linger.

He cursed himself as he felt the darkness of the disease named self loathing as it attempted to take hold of him and suck him down into the darkness where he once was. No, not again! No longer would he allow that to happen. But for all his conviction, a small part of him could not push from his mind the pain he felt for what was happening to his family.

Later that night Doctor Sawyer called to tell them that they had an appointment at the Medical Center tomorrow at 10am. For him it was of no consequence, he was going no matter what, but for the rest of his family the decision of who was to go was of such impact that for him it was almost as bad as getting the news that his cancer had returned. Since his Mom was working now, and they desperately needed the money, she couldn't go which brought her to tears. In the morning as she was leaving for work she woke him and kissed him on the forehead saying that Patricia would be taking him, and that everything would be okay. He smiled sleepily at her and nodded his head, unable to talk as he could see the pain in her face and tears in her eyes.

He hated himself for what he saw. Such pain. Was he truly worth it? Was it okay for him to cause such pain in someone he loved?

Once again he battled the demon within himself, pushing it deep down inside of him. It was getting easier to do, but it came to him that he could never truly cast it out. It was a part of him, of who he was. The only thing he could do was keep it under control. He was afraid that he would lose it once again, and turn on those around him. He had to be ever vigilant to control the darkness within him.

= = = = = = =

After he heard his Mom leave he got out of bed and headed to the bathroom. A quick shower and he was in the kitchen to have breakfast, nothing big as he was starting chemo today and it's best not to have anything too big as it will be coming back up.

Neither Valerie or Patricia said anything to him, Mom and Dad must have said something to them about not bringing up the return of his cancer, so the awkward conversation that he hated was put aside for the equally awkward silence that resounded through the house. He fretted over which was more desirable, the silence or the conversation and settled on the silence.

But the silence that surrounded him would come to an end as Patricia said, "Ready Bro?"

He nodded his head and got dressed and headed out the door. Patricia was in the car waiting for him, he climbed in and she took off. As they turned onto the highway Patricia said, with some confidence in her voice, "So, the news, not good."

His voice even, he replied with a certain strength, "No. No It wasn't."

A couple of minutes passed before she continued, "Mom and Dad didn't say anything other than the, cancer, was back. Did the doctor say anything else?"

The question startled him, she didn't know? Mom and Dad didn't say anything?

"It's bad isn't it?"

He nodded his head.

She pulled over the car as she began crying, and when it was in park she lunged over to him hugging him as she cried softly as she said, "I'm sorry, so sorry. Dam Mom and Dad for not saying anything!"

He hugged her back and said softly, "Don't blame them. Think about how difficult it would be to tell anyone that it doesn't look good? I mean, they probably were in shock, or denial."

"Don't make up excuses for them, they should know better" as she let him go and dried her eyes.

"They should, but, cut them some slack, they are struggling to keep afloat and this just about sunk them."

"You're a great son Patrick. And a great Brother."

He smiled at her and said, "Naw, I suck at both."

"I know, I was just being nice." She laughed at him and took off.

After that the mood lightened and they talked about a great deal of nothing, which is what he wanted.

The Oncology department had moved to another building a year after his last treatment so they were a little late getting there. Old memories came flooding back to him as he walked into Oncology, the sights and sounds were different than other areas of the Medical Center, cool and hushed. Almost unnerving.

The receptionist took his information and asked him to sit in the waiting area. He had waited only a few minutes when a nurse came up and took him to room where she drew blood to get the white cell count to see if they could administer chemo. The results were pretty quick and now they flushed his system with an IV, two hours for that. This was the easy part, being a pin cushion. The worst was what came next.