Epilogue

We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love -
Madame de Stael

The little boy skipped through the green grass as he held his mom's hand. He loved playing outdoors in the grass, and even more when his mom let him take his shoes off so he could wiggle his toes in it.

He looked up at him Mom and pleaded, "Could I run? I know where he is?"

"I don't know. Are you sure you know where he is?"

He smiled broadly as he shook his head yes.

She nodded her head and said, "Okay."

He let go of her hand and ran off, his little arms and legs moving as fast as they can. She wasn't scared, no one was around, and the street was far from where they were going with little or no traffic.

As she walked up to where the boy was standing he said, "See, I told you I knew where it was."

Walking up she replied, "Yes you did. And you did very well."

"My daddy would be proud of me wouldn't he?" he asked with a big smile.

She tussled the hair on his head as she said, "Yes, he would be."

The little boy sat down and cleared the grass away from the headstone, just like his mom had done each and every time before. They came here often, Jane felt that since Patrick Jr never knew his father that she should take the time to bring him here and talk about him, tell him her stories of him. It was tough on her, she didn't have that many, but there were others that told their stories of Patrick, keeping him alive for his son.

Patrick lay down next to the stone and looked at it, saying, "This is my Daddy. Did you love Daddy Mommy?"

Remembering the last words they had together, she saying that she loved him, and he saying it back to her before he, passed, she replied confidently, "Yes, yes I did."

"Do you think he loves me?"

"With all his heart."

Patrick screamed "Mommy, Grandma and Grandpa are here" and jumped up and took off running.

She turned to see Patrick run into his grandfather's arms. They had a connection that was greater than any she had ever seen before. She often wondered, seeing this connection, if Patrick was somehow able to put some of himself into their son. He would sit in his lap and watch TV, or his favorite, baseball, for hours on end if she let him.

She owed them a lot. When she told her parents she was pregnant there was a huge fight, something she was expecting. And though the fighting ended, the sniping and sideways looks didn't, so after a couple of months of these, attacks, she had enough and left. She ended up at Patricia's, only expecting to stay for a short time.

She stayed in Patrick's room, which she had mixed feelings about, and for the first few nights she slept but with some difficulty. It was only after she told Patricia and her family that she was pregnant with Patrick's child that he sleep was deep and restful. She also found a place to stay when Sean and Veronica offered her a roof over her head for however long she needed.

Sean felt the loss of his son as he felt the loss of his father. He was devastated. But when he learned of Jane's pregnancy he changed, he was reserved at first, struggling with feelings of the loss of his son against the happiness of the pending birth of his that son's child. His feelings were held in check and no one suspected his struggle, but at times it did almost slip out. He began to slowly find his way back from sadness when Veronica asked Jane what she was going to name the baby.

Jane was confident that it was a girl, that's what it was in Patrick's dream, so that is what she was going to have. Sean did ask what she would name the baby if it was a boy, but with Jane certain it was a girl she never settled on one. Adding to her certainty were the ultrasounds which did not show the sex of the baby, this in Jane's mind made it certain it was a girl. But Sean thought it was the baby wanting to surprise everyone.

But the event that broke the hold on his feelings was the birth of his grandson. Jane, who everyone thought would be devastated by the birth of a baby boy only cried and called him Patrick when they handed him to her.

When little Patrick was handed over to him he recalled the first time he held his own Patrick and broke down in tears. He was happy that a part of Patrick was still with him, but was sad that the child in his arms would never know him. It was at that moment that he made a promise to himself that he would do everything in his power to tell Patrick about his father, who he was, how he lived, and the strength that he had. He would try to be, to his grandson, the father that he could not have.

For Veronica, she could not shake the feeling of loss when Patrick died. She knew she had other children who needed her and were themselves grieving, but it was hard for her to put behind his passing. That changed when Jane told them she was expecting, and Patrick was the father. She blushes now at her first thought, which was of anger for Jane taking advantage of her son, but that was short lived as she realized that Patrick would live on. When she found out that Jane did not have a place to live, she talked to Sean about making a place for her, and their impending grandchild, in their home, which he agreed to without a second thought.

She invited Jane to stay with them, and offered her a place in their family as their daughter, which Jane accepted with no thought at all.

They say having too many women in a house can be a problem, but Veronica dispelled that by doing everything in her power to make it work, which it turned out wasn't difficult as Jane meshed with the family very nicely. Veronica also found herself guiding Jane along, helping her with what to expect with the pregnancy, the changes, the cravings, and preparing her with what was to happen giving birth and what to expect afterwards. Jane was grateful for the help and guidance and became very close to Veronica, so close that she began calling her Mom, which brought both of them to tears.

They finally walked up to Jane, Patrick still tightly hanging onto his grandfather. Veronica asked, "How are you doing Jane?"

She hugged her and said, "Good Mom, how about you?"

Looking around Veronica said, "Fine. Beautiful day isn't it?"

"Yeah, I thought it was supposed to be cloudy all day, but it seems to have cleared up. Hey Dad, how are you doing?"

"Good. Except I've got this little thing hanging on to me. I think I'm gonna have to tickle him to get him off me" bringing a scream of both fear and delight from Patrick.

The tickling went on momentarily until Jane said loudly, "Look who's coming Patrick."

Patrick looked to where his mom was pointing and gave another scream when he saw who was coming, and off like a shot he ran to Aunt Patricia and Uncle Robogym. And unlike his attack on his grandfather, Patrick launched himself into the air at his uncle, who caught him in midair and twirled him around.

Patricia smiled but struggled as she walked over to Jane, nine months pregnant and out in the hot sun was not to her liking, but it was his day.

"How you doing there kiddo?" asked her dad.

"I'd be a lot better if this stubborn little bundle of ever loving joy would get the heck out of dodge" she grumbled.

Her mom asked, "You still have, what, another couple of days before you're due, right?"

She grunted as she sat down in the chair that she accepted from her mom. "I feel like a house."

Robert took a small break from wrestling with Patrick to say, "Oh you look great!"

"Yeah my fat behind I do!" she yelled back at him.

Patricia had a difficult time, as everyone else had, with the death of Patrick, even more so at times. She had some misgivings when Jane said she was pregnant with Patrick's child, but only in that he would not have his Father to guide him through life because she knew Patrick would have been a great Dad.

For Patricia, the real change in her came when Patrick Jr was born. When she held him for the first time and looked into his eyes, she realized that they were those of his father, clear and deep brown. She was immediately struck by them and held him tightly, wanting to feel his presence, to sense her brother in the small child in her arms.

And as she held him tightly searching for Patrick she didn't find it, it wasn't her brother Patrick in her arms. She felt sadness swarm all over her as she felt the loss of her brother all over again. But in that moment she reeled from her selfish feelings. Yes, it wasn't Patrick, it was someone else, it was someone that was innocent.

It?

He. It, was a he. He was Patrick Jr, not Patrick. He was someone else.

Later that night as she laid on bed her mind flashed through all of the feelings she was having and sorting through them one at a time. The last she came to was the most difficult. She had accepted Patrick Jr as who he was and not what she wanted him to be, the one she felt compelled to sort out were her own pent up feelings of hate, fear, and love.

When she was younger and the feelings of infatuation swept over her, she did not know how to navigate them, and the target of her infatuation took advantage of her. And when he had conquered her, he handed her over to his friends, and for two weeks she was passed around between the four of them until she found her strength to end it, and the strength to threaten them into silence.

Since that time she closed herself off to all but family and Jane. Until this day, no one knew what happened. And no one would know.

But this night, she would come to terms with what happened to her in the past and begin to look to her future. She began to look at Robert differently than before. After Patrick died, she was going to end the relationship, mostly from sadness, and as a way to stay deep within that void left by Patrick. But with Jane pregnant with Patrick's child, that changed her mind, and she stayed with Robert, still not sure why. He was a good guy, caring, giving, open, and honest.

As Jane's' pregnancy progressed, the words from Patrick on behalf of Robert were soon forgotten and disregarded. But after she held Patrick jr, they came back. She was at a crossroads that, regardless of what happened between her and Robert, would impact the rest of her life. What she faced was a choice between opening herself up and allow another person in, or to shutting herself off to protect herself from everyone else. She spent most of the night trying to resolve this dilemma, and was at a loss for making a choice, and with no choice made, she would not change. Could not change.