Chapter 10

No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers.

Patrick thought it was over, the discussion on stopping dialysis, but it wasn't. His mom, as well as the rest of his family, were behind him in regards to quitting dialysis, but WHEN to quit dialysis became the problem. Everyone wanted him to hold off until the cancer caused him significant problems, which he considered very seriously as it was a sensible option. But he didn't want to wait for the cancer to get that bad and was thinking that stopping sooner was more to his liking. But the passion in their arguments for postponing his decision overrode his desire so in in the end he choose to follow their advice. But he did get them to agree to going to dialysis two days a week and not three.

The following week was the Fourth of July, a special day celebrated by the Bailey family going back to when the Sean Bailey, the first of his family to come to America, arrived on that day back in 1846. And every 4th of July since, the Bailey family celebrated the birthday of America and the arrival of the first Bailey in America, a one two punch you might say. So his dad and all previous dads celebrated the 4th with copious amounts of alcohol, some enormous dead thing to be grilled or smoked, or barbecued, and enough fireworks to scare off most, if not all, local police departments. It has been rumored that the fire department was called out several years in a row, to deal with the ramifications of non traditional fireworks. Though never proven, serious amounts of alcohol were consumed and were thought to be the cause of calling in the fire department. And until the one Bailey attributed to the aforementioned firework fiasco moved away, one or two off duty fireman would attend the party, not to stop the festivities, but to minimize their effects. Of course that was soon stopped, as the guys who know how to put out fires are also the guys who know the best ways to start them.

But his dad had modified the yearly celebratory tradition by forsaking the home made fireworks and attending the county's firework show. Thus preserving the local landscape and also maintaining the good name of Bailey, which all in their section of the county were very happy about. Not so much preserving the name Bailey, but preserving the landscape.

So it was that in the morning of July 4th, his dad would begin preparing whatever piece of enormous dead thing he could find to be smoked, grilled, or barbecued. And later in the evening they would move their party to the county seat and watch the spectacular, and safe, fireworks display.

This year's celebration was a little different, in more ways than one. First, everyone knew it would be his last, which did cast a pall over the celebrations, but Patrick did everything he could to keep everyone's spirits up. And when they saw him doing this, everyone relaxed and for the rest of the day put out of their minds the problem that was before them. Not for them, but for Patrick.

The other change was the addition of Robert and Jane for the feast. Patrick was not so surprised to see Robert, but Jane was both a pleasant surprise and a source of great fear as this was the first time he had seen her since they made love.

Patrick's problem was that he did not know how to act. In his mind, he tried to calm himself and go with the flow, but there was a part of him that couldn't go with the flow. And that part is where the fear came in, the real fear. If he had no feelings for Jane, he might be embarrassed or something like that, but since that day he had felt emotions in him towards Jane that shook him. He thought it was love, but he wasn't sure. And he wasn't about to talk to anyone about it because he didn't want anyone to know what they had shared. He toyed with the idea of talking to Patricia, but he thought it would be a bad idea for two reasons, the first was her friendship with Jane, not that Patricia would be placed in an awkward position but that her judgment might be clouded, and the second was he was afraid that Patricia might see his feelings for Jane as puppy love and not something deeper or more meaningful.

Not long after eating and before they headed out to the firework show Jane came over to Patrick and said, "So, how you doing?"

"Good. And you?" he said as calmly as he could muster.

"Good too. Uhm, are you okay? With me being here?" she asked shyly.

He turned to Jane reached out his hand and placed it on her arm and said with a fair amount of shock in his voice, "What a thing to ask. I'm glad your here." The words just came out of nowhere. Even if he knew what he was going to say he truly believed that there was no way he could have stopped saying it. And in that moment, deep down within himself, he knew what Jane meant to him, and all of his fear left him. Except for one small piece.

"It's just that, you haven't talked to me or even, looked at me."

Patrick could now add the emotion shame to the fear he felt. Time to be honest. "You're right Jane, I'm sorry. I, just didn't know how to act. It was stupid of me I know, but, well, I'm sorry." The last was said in hope that Jane wouldn't delve further into his answer, he was too far into it than what he was prepared to talk about.

Jane placed her hand on his and smiled. "You don't have to say you're sorry. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to come today, for the same reason. It's weird, that by doing it, we have these feelings that we don't know how to deal with."

He nodded his head, "Yeah. Something so beautiful shouldn't be so, awkward."

She laughed,"Yeah, awkward. So, we're okay?"

"I am. How about you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Patricia didn't say anything?"

"No. She said I should talk to you."

"I'm not doing too well. Can't stop the cancer. Three months. Most likely less."

"Oh my God. There's nothing they can do?"

"No. Doc said the only thing they can do is treat effects of the cancer, not the cancer."

Jane reached out and pulled Patrick into her arms, saying softly, "I'm sorry. I really am."

He wrapped his arms around Jane and replied, "Me too."

There was a warmth and comfort to Jane's hug that was different than his mom or sister's. He wanted to exist in it and let it surround him and take him inside of it, to feel safe and loved, to give in to it and be happy. A wish that would never be.

Jane broke the hug, and before he could say anything Jane was gone, wiping her eyes as she walked quickly away. As quickly as he rode the high from Jane he sunk to the low of her leaving in sadness. He shook his head and silently cursed to himself, this was one of the reasons that he wanted to end it quickly, the pain that he saw in people he knew when they learned he was dying. There were times when he wished he was in a place where no one knew him, of the things he was going through, and they would see him as a sixteen year old and not a cancer patient.

Lost in his thoughts Patrick was not aware that his dad had sat next to him until he said, "You okay son?"

Startled, he looked over to see his dad sitting next to him. He sighed and said, "Yeah, I'm okay. I just hate telling people that I'm not going to get better."

His dad nodded, "Yeah, I know. I get the same thing when people ask how you're doing. I hate telling them because of the reaction I get. But, human nature is to react that way and there's nothing you can do about it."

"Yeah I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"You can always lie, tell them you're okay."

"No, that just doesn't sit right with me."

"Yeah, me neither. I guess we are alike in that."

"Yes we are."

They cleaned up after the feast and relaxed for a couple of hours before making the trip to the county seat to see the fireworks, Jane and Patricia went with Robert in his truck and Patrick went with his mom, dad, and Valerie in the family car.

It was a long drive, just over an hour, and they got there a little late and had to walk a bit to get to the county fair grounds. As they walked through the crowd they ran into several people they knew, and the proverbial question was asked to Patrick, How are you doing. Now, Patrick knew that they meant well, and when they offered up their prayers or wished him well, he expressed his thanks and said goodbyes and continued on their way. He knew that their prayers and wishes were pointless, but he didn't say anything, it just wasn't his way.

But after the third time it happened, it began to weigh heavily upon him and whatever joy he would get out of the evening's festivities was soon overshadowed. His changed demeanor was noticed by his dad who asked, "Is it tough on you?"

"Yeah, I don't know why, but it is."

"Do you want to go home?"

"No. I don't want to spoil your fun."

"Nonsense. If you're uncomfortable, we're uncomfortable."

"What's going on?" asked his mom.

Before his dad could answer Patrick replied, "Nothing."

"Stop it Patrick. I think all the questions about him are getting to him."

"We should leave."

"No, it's not right."

Patricia came up and said, "We'll take him home."

"No."

"Patrick, you hate this, we all know you do. And to stay here for us is wrong as well. Go home with Patricia and we'll stay and watch the fireworks."

They argued for a few minutes before Patrick realized it was a losing battle. He truly hated it. All the questions. So he followed Patricia, Robert, and Jane and went home.

For Patrick, he was quiet on the way home, but for everyone else it was somewhat of a raucous time as the radio blared out the song of the day with Jane and Patricia singing along as Robert, depending on the song, would roll his eyes or move in time with the music. It wasn't that he didn't want to join in, he was just deep in thought.

It never bothered him that people knew he was sick before, and he thought it shouldn't this time, but it did. He spent a lot of time, the entire trip home, running it through his mind, looking at it from different angles and perspectives but he just couldn't understand why it bothered him.

They arrived at home and Patrick went directly to his room and sat down on his bed in the dark and continued with his thoughts searching for the reason, or cause, of why he was now having problems.