Chapter 5: At Last, Surrender

City lights provided weak illumination to a living room lit by the dancing flick of yellow-red gas flames in the fireplace - all other lights turned off. Furniture was shadowed, the bookcases dark. It was ten past midnight. On the stereo the latest Above & Beyond album, Acoustic, played softly, beautiful music washing over me bringing melancholic emotions. Songs of lost love made my heart ache. It was almost sad yet beautiful, emotional, impactful.

I swirled single malt Scotch in a cut-crystal glass making the ice cubes tinkle, a sound I loved. Taking a sip of amber ambrosia, eighteen years of sherry cask aging slipped down my throat with smooth coolness blossoming into heat as it reached my stomach, The Dalmore Scotch from the Northern Highlands leaving smoky peat on my palate and dried fruit in my nose. It was the perfect drink for the ambiance, for the music, and for my mood.

Silent movement drew my attention. My lethargic heart stirred. Walking down the staircase was a vision of cuteness, not sexiness, but pure cuteness. It made my desire evolve from an ache into a physical pain.

The blue and white striped pajama top was mine. It was far too big for her and looked perfect on her. Sleeves were rolled up yet still covered her arms. Long bare legs showed, the pajama top just long enough to reach the top of her thighs.

She descended the staircase silently, a beautiful mussed young girl, so damn cute; a little girl lost in her father's pajamas. She made the air too thin to fill my lungs and my heart thud uncomfortably. Too beautiful for words.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly.

Sasha made her way over to me, her amber eyes full of emotion, so pretty. She eased her thick dark-burgundy hair behind one ear and, turning, sat sideways in my lap, leaning in against me. My free arm found her waist. She felt wonderful, the scent of pears and lemons battling with the aroma of her hair, a light floral bouquet.

"What's the matter?" I asked again.

"Nothing. Would you dance with me, Dad?"

"Dance with one of my favorite daughters in the world? Absolutely," I answered.

Sasha laughed softly, more like a body shake than a sound, and stood. This time she reached for my hand to pull me up. Leaving the glass of Scotch on the side table after taking a final sip, I stood.

Above & Beyond's Alone Tonight started on the stereo, its haunting muffled trumpet sounding a cry of solitude. Sasha moved in and gently pressed herself against me, her arm around my waist, her other hand seeking and finding mine. I held it to my chest. We moved. I nuzzled her hair and inhaled the scent of the one person I loved beyond measure. Warmth arrived, Scotch enhancing every sensation.

Slipping sideways, silver stars collide
And fade away just like our love that died
And there is nowhere in this universe to hide
From you tonight

I've wrestled with angels all my life
It's always the haloes and the wings
That keep you blind
And if I had fought with all the strength I held inside
I wouldn't be out here
Alone tonight
I wouldn't be standing alone tonight

We danced slowly, a languid movement, our bodies never parting. Sasha fit me perfectly. She moved with a light step and elegant grace beyond her years. She felt wonderful in my arm.

"I love dancing with you, Dad," she murmured.

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop it. The accumulation of her actions over the past few weeks had been too much, and far, far too successful. I tried to ease my body away from her unsuccessfully, her arm denying me by tightening and holding me close. Through my hands I registered the exact moment she felt my arousal, a slight hiccup in her movement followed by her pressing against me just a bit harder.

I stopped dancing.

Spectacular amber eyes looked up at me.

"You need to stop, Honey," I said.

Sasha's eyes opened wide. "Stop what?" she asked in confusion.

I'd wrestled with how to breach the final hurdle, the big one, the move from sexual flirting into actual intimacy. I couldn't exactly succumb without a fight. That wouldn't be natural. I didn't want to discourage or embarrass her either. I wanted her to succeed, to believe she'd seduced me. I wanted her to encourage me. It was one way for me to be absolutely sure, beyond all doubt, that what we were doing was what we both wanted. I'd decided this was the way.

I didn't answer her directly.

"I can't take much more of it. I'm only human, Honey."

"Much more of what?" she asked, a trace of worry entering her mesmerizing eyes.

"Sweetheart, you're a beautiful girl, too beautiful. I don't know if you're aware of it but I've been having some difficulty seeing you as just my daughter."

I had Sasha's undivided attention, her eyes sharply probing into mine, flitting from one eye to the other seeking.

"You're becoming such a lady. Maybe that's why I've been reacting the way I have. I can't help it." I paused and waited.

"Reacting how?" she eventually asked, her voice soft and low, her amber eyes so big, so pretty.

"I ... I've been finding myself appreciating you ... as a gorgeous female. I'm not sure what happened but these past few weeks it seems like every time I look at you I get inappropriate thoughts. I know you don't mean it, but Sweetheart, when you walk around partially undressed I've been reacting in an unfatherly way."

I rubbed her back gently and continued. "If I was a teenager and met you I'd have moved Heaven and Earth to make you my girlfriend." With a soft smile I continued, "I need you to be a bit more considerate for your poor father and not be so casual about the way you dress around me. You have to try to be less ... beautiful ... no, not just less beautiful but less sexy."

A hint of blush dusted her cheeks. Her smile showed shy pleasure and was stunningly attractive.

"You think I'm sexy?" she asked in almost a whisper.

I nodded. "I do. I'm sorry," I replied.

"Please don't be, Dad," Sasha said. Her light blush intensified. "I have a confession. I've been doing it deliberately."