The Heir Who Wouldn’t Drown
Copyright© 2026 by CaffeinatedTales
Chapter 7: A Place Among Pirates
Gout was a crystal-induced joint disease caused by deposits of urate. Its underlying cause was an excess of uric acid in the blood, brought on by disordered purine metabolism and reduced uric acid excretion.
Some described the pain of an attack as feeling as though every step landed on their own eyeballs.
In this age, it was also called the nobles’ disease, the emperors’ disease, or the curse of wealth. Closely associated with meat and alcohol, it chiefly afflicted royalty, nobles, and other people who lived in extravagant luxury.
Pain was not its only consequence. It could also lead to kidney disease. Severe cases could involve joint destruction and impaired kidney function, often accompanied by high blood lipids, hypertension, diabetes, hardening of the arteries, and coronary heart disease.
How bad was Redgaze’s gout?
“Unspeakable Affliction” probably said it all.
Ordinarily, the pain alone won’t kill you, Julian thought. But with that many enormous tophi, it’s probably already damaged his kidneys. Blood in the urine, kidney failure ... His sexual function has likely suffered too.
If he keeps this up ... No. Now that I’m here, he’ll have to keep it up with even greater enthusiasm!
His expression gave nothing away, but in his mind, Julian had already declared Redgaze Oswald critically ill.
For the cook responsible for a man’s meals, making his condition worse would be easy. All it took was food rich in purines and fat: meat, game, organ meats, seafood, and foods and drinks containing yeast. Good liquor was essential, of course.
The lamb, seafood, and ice-cold beer Julian had recommended to Oswald were all purine bombs, among the finest of their kind.
Most importantly, in this age of primitive medicine, people could not even identify the causes of gout, let alone treat it. Even the Hospital Sequence, one branch of the supernatural professions derived from the [Silver Law], could do nothing, despite drawing on all of humanity’s past medical experience.
Julian could poison him in plain sight, and Oswald would never know.
By now, Julian had also spotted the golden [signet ring] that embodied House Ravenshaw’s hereditary kingship. It was wedged firmly onto the “slenderest” finger of Oswald’s right hand, his little finger.
It barely managed to cover one ugly tophus, improving the sight a little.
Of course, this [signet ring] was a special supernatural wondrous item. In an outsider’s hands, it was no more than an unremarkable antique ring. It would reveal none of House Ravenshaw’s heraldic emblems.
Now that Julian was the cook, he had plenty of time to help Oswald raise his purine levels. He could reclaim his ring without resorting to violence.
“Lamb and seafood with ice-cold beer?”
While all the pirates maintained a terrified silence, Oswald picked up a napkin and casually wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth.
The ingredients hardly sounded unusual to him. Stewed or roasted, he had eaten plenty of them either way. Yet Julian’s credentials as a “former noble household steward,” together with his assurance and confidence, drew a dangerous smile from him.
“Then I look forward to it. But, Cook, I’m sure you don’t want to learn what happens when my appetite goes unsatisfied.”
He waved a hand at the first mate standing beside him, Bram, known as Marrowcrack. Bram immediately laid a sheet of yellowed parchment the size of a nautical chart on the table before Julian.
“Even a cook who doesn’t have to risk his life in battle becomes a pirate once he boards a pirate vessel. You still have to follow the rules. These are Maneater Shark’s [Ten Pirate Commandments]. Leave your mark.”
Julian examined the parchment.
At the top was a pirate emblem, a skull with two crossed blades, the original design from which all pirate flags at sea descended. Beneath it, bloody fingerprints almost covered the sheet, though the ten commandments remained legible.
There was more. Through his [spirit sight], he could clearly see the parchment’s connection to the vast net of the [Silver Law].
There was no doubt that it held the Law’s supernatural power.
This world’s supernatural system was very simple.
Like a magic web, the [Silver Law] covered the entire known world, embracing every human supernatural practitioner and, indeed, every human being.
According to the Church’s teachings, the Creator had made the [Silver Law] to bring order to the human world and protect God’s people from harm.
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