Slytherins, Kisses and Other Disasters
Copyright© 2026 by Caroline Stanton
Chapter 44: An Unfortunate Arrival
The Portkey deposited Victoria Crabbe, Georgina Goyle, and Hermione Granger in a quiet corridor on the ground floor of Hogwarts. Or rather, that was where it was supposed to deposit them. Unfortunately, Portkeys were not always precise about the last few feet. Victoria stumbled forward, caught herself against the wall, and muttered something unladylike. Georgina landed on both feet but nearly collided with Hermione, who emerged from the journey clutching her handbag and looking decidedly green.
“Ugh,” Hermione groaned. “I shall never get used to that.”
Victoria straightened her jacket.
“Could’ve been worse.”
Georgina nodded.
“At least we didn’t land in the lake.”
Hermione took a deep breath.
“Right. Now, before we do anything else, I want to make one thing perfectly—”
“Miss Granger.”
The voice was soft. Cold. And unmistakable. Hermione froze. Victoria’s smile vanished. Georgina slowly turned around. Standing approximately six feet away, dressed entirely in black, with his arms folded across his chest, was Professor Severus Snape. He regarded the three girls with an expression of profound displeasure. For several seconds, nobody spoke. Then Snape raised one eyebrow.
“How ... delightful.”
Hermione swallowed.
“Professor.”
“Miss Granger. Miss Crabbe. Miss Goyle.”
His eyes travelled over their Muggle clothing, their handbags, and the faintly dishevelled appearance of three people who had just completed a Portkey journey.
“How fortunate that I should happen upon you.”
Victoria attempted a smile.
“Good afternoon, Professor.”
Snape looked at her.
“Is it?”
Victoria’s smile faded.
“Well...”
“I was under the impression,” Snape continued, “that the three of you were spending a perfectly ordinary Saturday at Hogwarts.”
Georgina glanced at Hermione. Hermione stared at the floor. Snape’s eyes narrowed.
“Yet here you are, materializing in a corridor, dressed like Muggles, looking as though you’ve just escaped from a particularly unpleasant social engagement.”
Victoria opened her mouth. Hermione stepped on her foot. Victoria winced. Snape noticed.
“Miss Granger, kindly refrain from assaulting my students.”
Hermione turned scarlet.
“Sorry, Professor.”
Snape looked from one girl to the next.
“Well?”
Silence.
“An explanation, if you please.”
Hermione took a breath.
“We were at the shopping centre, Professor.”
Snape’s expression did not change.
“I had gathered that much.”
“We went with an authorised Portkey.”
“Indeed.”
“Professor McGonagall approved the excursion.”
Snape raised an eyebrow.
“Did she?”
Hermione hesitated.
“Well ... the Portkey arrangements were already in place.”
“That was not my question.”
Victoria shifted uncomfortably. Georgina looked at the ceiling. Snape’s voice became even softer.
“Did Professor McGonagall specifically authorize the three of you to spend this afternoon at a Muggle shopping centre?”
Hermione swallowed.
“Not exactly.”
“How illuminating.”
Snape began to pace slowly in front of them.
“And what, precisely, was the purpose of this excursion?”
Victoria looked at Georgina. Georgina looked at Hermione. Hermione looked as though she wished to be anywhere else in the world.
“Shopping,” Victoria said.
Snape stopped.
“Shopping.”
“Yes, Professor.”
His eyes dropped to her empty hands.
“Where are your purchases?”
Victoria hesitated.
“We didn’t buy anything.”
“How unfortunate.”
Georgina tried to help.
“We were mostly looking.”
Snape turned towards her.
“At what?”
Georgina froze.
“Things.”
Snape stared.
“Things.”
“Yes, Professor.”
“What a remarkably informative answer.”
Hermione closed her eyes. Snape folded his arms.
“Let me see if I understand. Three sixth-year students travelled to a Muggle shopping centre, purchased nothing, and returned looking as though they had been fleeing a small disaster.”
Victoria frowned.
“We weren’t fleeing.”
Snape looked at her.
“Really?”
“No, Professor.”
“Then why do you appear so relieved to be back?”
Victoria hesitated. Georgina made a small noise. Hermione recognised it immediately. It was the sound Georgina made when she was trying very hard not to laugh. Snape’s eyes narrowed.
“Miss Goyle.”
“Yes, Professor?”
“Is there something amusing?”
“No, Professor.”
“Then kindly explain why you are smiling.”
Georgina pressed her lips together.
“I’m not.”
Snape stared at her. Georgina’s smile became more pronounced. Hermione wanted to die.
“Very well,” Snape said at last. “Perhaps Miss Granger can provide a coherent explanation.”
Hermione straightened.
“Of course, Professor.”
“Why were you at the shopping centre?”
She took a breath.
“We were accompanying a friend.”
Snape’s eyes narrowed.
“Which friend?”
Hermione hesitated. Victoria looked alarmed. Georgina stared at the floor. Snape waited.
“Miss Granger?”
“Draconia Malfoy.”
Snape became very still.
“Miss Malfoy.”
“Yes, Professor.”
“And where is Miss Malfoy now?”
Hermione swallowed.
“Still at the shopping centre.”
Snape stared at her.
“Still there.”
“Yes, Professor.”
“Alone?”
Hermione hesitated.
“No, Professor.”
Snape’s expression darkened.
“With whom?”
Victoria suddenly found the courage to speak.
“She’s on a date, Professor.”
Silence. Absolute silence. Snape looked at Victoria. Then at Georgina. Then at Hermione.
“A date.”
Victoria nodded.
“Yes, Professor.”
Snape closed his eyes. He looked as though he were reconsidering every decision that had led him into the teaching profession.
“Miss Malfoy,” he said slowly, “is on a date.”
“Yes.”
“At a Muggle shopping centre.”
“Yes.”
Snape opened his eyes.
“With whom?”
Victoria hesitated.
“A boy.”
Snape’s expression became positively murderous.
“How reassuring. I had assumed as much.”
Georgina made another strangled noise. Hermione elbowed her. Snape’s gaze sharpened.
“Is this boy a student at Hogwarts?”
Victoria shook her head.
“No, Professor.”
“Then where does he attend school?”
Hermione swallowed.
“A Muggle school.”
Snape stared.
“A ... Muggle school.”
Nobody spoke. Snape slowly turned towards the nearest window. He looked out at the grounds. Then back at the girls.
“Draconia Malfoy,” he said, with extraordinary restraint, “is on a date with a Muggle boy.”
“Yes, Professor.”
Snape’s nostrils flared.
“Does her father know?”
Three heads shook simultaneously. Snape closed his eyes again.
“Of course he doesn’t.”
For several seconds, the corridor was silent. Then Snape spoke.
“And what, precisely, were the three of you doing there?”
Hermione took a breath.
“We were keeping an eye on her.”
Snape looked at her.
“Keeping an eye on her.”
“Yes.”
“Without her knowledge?”
Hermione hesitated.
“Yes, Professor.”
Snape stared at them. Then something unexpected happened. The corner of his mouth twitched. Victoria noticed. So did Georgina. Hermione wasn’t certain whether she had imagined it. Snape looked at the three girls.
“You were spying on Miss Malfoy’s date.”
Hermione sighed.
“Yes, Professor.”
Snape’s expression became almost contemplative.
“How very Slytherin.”
Victoria brightened.
“Thank you, Professor.”
Snape turned towards her.
“That was not a compliment.”
Victoria’s smile vanished.
“Right.”
Snape folded his arms.
“And why have you returned without her?”
Hermione hesitated.
“Well...”
Snape waited. Georgina glanced at Victoria. Victoria looked at Hermione. Hermione closed her eyes. Then said, very quietly, “We were asked to leave.” Snape stared.
“Asked to leave.”
“Yes, Professor.”
“By whom?”
Hermione swallowed.
“A security guard.”
Snape blinked. For the first time since their arrival, he appeared genuinely surprised.
“A Muggle security guard?”
“Yes, Professor.”
Snape looked at Victoria. Then Georgina. Then Hermione. And slowly, very slowly, his expression changed. He pressed his lips together. His shoulders moved slightly. Hermione stared. Was he— No. Surely not. Snape turned away. For several seconds, he appeared to be examining a portrait on the opposite wall. Then he cleared his throat. When he turned back, his face was composed once more.
“Let me understand this correctly.”
Hermione nodded miserably.
“Three students from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry travelled to a Muggle shopping centre to spy upon a fellow student’s romantic engagement.”
Nobody spoke.
“They were detected.”
Silence.
“By an ordinary Muggle security guard.”
Victoria stared at the floor.
“And subsequently expelled from the premises.”
Georgina’s shoulders began to shake. Hermione elbowed her again. Snape looked at all three of them. Then said, with exquisite contempt, “Extraordinary.” He paced once more.
“Miss Crabbe. Miss Goyle. You are both members of my House.”
Both girls straightened.
“Yes, Professor.”
“And Miss Granger, despite your regrettable affiliation with Gryffindor, is generally considered one of the more intelligent students in this school.”
Hermione looked faintly offended. Snape continued.
“Yet between the three of you, you were unable to follow two teenagers through a shopping centre without attracting the attention of a man whose principal responsibility is preventing people from stealing handbags.”
Victoria bit her lip. Georgina made a choking sound. Hermione stared at the ceiling. Snape shook his head.
“I am almost impressed by the scale of your incompetence.”
Victoria could no longer help herself. A laugh escaped. She clapped a hand over her mouth. Snape turned towards her.
“Something amusing, Miss Crabbe?”
“No, Professor.”
“Then perhaps you would care to explain why you’re laughing.”
Victoria shook her head.
“I’m sorry.”
Snape regarded her for a moment. Then sighed.
“Twenty points from Slytherin.”
Victoria’s smile vanished.
“And twenty points from Gryffindor.”
Hermione gasped.
“Professor!”
“For unauthorized use of a Portkey, conduct unbecoming Hogwarts students, and making complete fools of yourselves in public.”
Hermione opened her mouth. Snape raised a finger.
“Would you prefer thirty?”
Hermione closed her mouth.
“Thought not.”
Snape turned towards the staircase.
“Come along.”
The girls stared. Hermione blinked.
“Where are we going?”
“To Professor McGonagall.”
Victoria groaned. Georgina looked horrified. Hermione went pale. Snape glanced over his shoulder.
“I believe she will be most interested to learn how three of her students managed to get themselves expelled from a Muggle shopping centre.”
Victoria tried one last appeal.
“Professor, couldn’t we just forget about this?”
Snape stopped. Slowly turned. And smiled. It was not a pleasant smile.
“Miss Crabbe, I assure you that I shall remember this afternoon for a very long time.”
He resumed walking. The three girls followed. Hermione leaned towards Victoria.
“I told you this was a terrible idea.”
Victoria whispered back, “You came with us.”
“Because I knew you’d do something stupid!”
Georgina grinned.
“Well, you were right.”
Hermione glared at her.
“That is not helping!”
Ahead of them, Snape spoke without turning around.
“Silence.”
They fell quiet. For approximately ten seconds. Then Victoria leaned towards Georgina.
“Do you think he’ll tell Draco?”
Georgina whispered, “Probably.” Hermione groaned. Snape stopped walking. He turned his head slightly.
“Oh, Miss Crabbe?”
Victoria froze.
“Yes, Professor?”
Snape’s expression was unreadable.
“I should be considerably more concerned about what Miss Malfoy will do when she discovers that her closest friends have been spying on her first date.”
Victoria swallowed. Georgina’s smile faded. Hermione nodded miserably. For once, all three agreed. They were in very serious trouble.
And somewhere in a Muggle shopping centre, Draconia Malfoy was still sitting beside Alex, smiling happily, completely unaware that her friends had just provided Severus Snape with what might be the most entertaining disciplinary incident of his entire teaching career.
Professor Minerva McGonagall was enjoying a peaceful Saturday afternoon. She had finished marking a stack of fifth-year Transfiguration essays, answered three letters from concerned parents, and was now sitting at her desk with a cup of tea and a particularly interesting article in Transfiguration Today. For once, Hogwarts appeared to be behaving itself. Then someone knocked on her door.
“Enter.”
The door opened, and Severus Snape swept into the office, his black robes billowing behind him. Behind him came Hermione Granger, Victoria Crabbe, and Georgina Goyle. McGonagall looked up. She took in Hermione’s expression of utter misery, Victoria’s suspiciously innocent smile, and Georgina’s obvious struggle not to laugh. Then she looked at Snape.
“Severus.”
“Minerva.”
“Is something wrong?”
“That depends,” Snape replied silkily, “upon your definition of wrong.”
McGonagall removed her spectacles.
“Oh, dear.”
Snape stepped aside, allowing the three girls to enter.
“I have brought you three young ladies who have had a most educational afternoon.”
McGonagall looked at them.
“Miss Granger?”
Hermione swallowed. “Good afternoon, Professor.”
“Miss Crabbe. Miss Goyle.”
“Professor,” they replied together.
McGonagall folded her hands on the desk.
“Would someone care to explain?”
Snape smiled faintly.
“I should be delighted.”
Hermione closed her eyes.
“These three students,” Snape began, “have just returned from an unauthorized excursion to a Muggle shopping centre.”
McGonagall’s expression sharpened.
“Unauthorized?”
Hermione stepped forward.
“Professor, we used the Portkey you arranged for today’s excursion.”
McGonagall frowned.
“The Portkey I arranged for Miss Malfoy?”
Hermione hesitated.
“Yes, Professor.”
McGonagall slowly put down her teacup.
“I see. And did I authorize the three of you to accompany her?”
Silence.
“Miss Granger?”
“No, Professor.”
“Miss Crabbe?”
Victoria shook her head.
“Miss Goyle?”
“No, Professor.”
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