Chapter 1

Has my heart stopped beating? When did I take my last breath? Time has stopped. I can’t hear anything. The faint broken record of my husband’s voice hums in the shadows of this unreal dream... “With Eve ... it’s purely transactional...” Again and again and again ... I turn my head as if to search for him, even though I know he’s not here.

I check my heart. Check it’s still there. But then grief hits. And it chokes me. I must have been deluding myself. Now I understand how people die from a broken heart. Knowing he is in pain, and that I’m the reason, feels like it ripped out my soul. Like a soulless ghost, I float out.

I don’t remember walking out of the building, waiting at the bus stop, or even boarding the bus. I suddenly find myself looking out the rain splattered window. Then I’m back, politely smiling across from the elders. They held both of our hands together in theirs, beaming adoringly at us: young newlyweds, drenched from the rain. ‘The Gods have blessed you on this day, of all days. A wet knot is harder to untie, as they say... ‘ His grandma’s eyes twinkled, as if she caught the shy flutter of my heart: the one I quietly hid from my husband right next to me.

Then I’m before Adam. Vows spoken. Rings exchanged. He tilted my chin up, his movements strictly polite, but his thumb brushed the corner of my mouth. The whisper of Adam’s rough palm gently cupping my jaw is something I can still feel. The first touch of his hand ghosting my waist made my spine tremble and my knees weak. I crumbled, overwhelmed by his intensity ... by him. My crippling chronic shyness reared my head, threatening to ruin me again, ruin everything before it even began. Seriously? At my own wedding?! I squeezed my eyes tightly as my face flushed a hot, rosy hue. It was the only symptom of this disease I could never hide. A traitorous warmth crept up my ears, begging for his attention, while I begged the ground to just swallow me. Just as I was flailing in my mind to be put out of my misery, his lips were on mine. And then it was just the two of us. Everything quietened until it was just him, just me and him. He tenderly pulled me into him as I clutched his chest, scrunching up his suit jacket in my nervous hands. Breathing each other in until we didn’t know where he began and I ended. The shadow of his woody cologne, laced with a scent that was purely his, wrapped around me as if it had a mind of its own, pulling me under. His tongue teased my bottom lip tentatively, and ... I let him in, shyly parting my lips for him. God, his taste. My body melted into him as if it said, ‘Finally,’ after searching all its life, waiting but not knowing what or who it was waiting for ... until him. The heat from his breath slithered over our wet tongues, spreading his warmth into the corners of my mouth. I could feel his very breath slide down my throat into my lungs. His fingers dug into the fabric of my wedding dress to restrain himself. The graze of his dark stubble scritched my chin, leaving the skin flushed. This rough friction, wearing the civil mask of our marriage, pinned me to the spot with the raw weight of his hidden hunger. I arched my neck, wanting more ... wanting him. My breath stuttered, and Adam swallowed that up too ... discreetly. His broad frame circled me, keeping me in his arms. His warm, wet tongue lapped against mine, only once ... just once, slow and deep, lingering as if he didn’t want to let go. We came to, staring at each other. Breathless from our kiss, from the way we lingered. His eyes searched mine as if checking ... checking to see if I was okay, when a sudden flicker crossed his gaze and vanished before I could see any more. The taste of each other clung to our tongues; a private secret between just the two of us. His eyes dropped to my soft pink lips, wet with his saliva. I caught the inadvertent gulp in his throat which he covered as a cough before looking back at the wedding guests. The seconds felt like lifetimes. Our first kiss on our wedding day.