(It's) Always There
Copyright© 2026 by Daniel Tors
Chapter 18
... They’d knocked too low, almost soundless; someone was at the bedroom door.
Navy unlaid from her blanket, unlatched the entrance to crack it a little, and ... saw Case.
“Your light’s on. I guessed you weren’t asleep.”
...
Uh... “Case, it’s like ... midnight right now.”
“I know.” The wolf didn’t ... How she ought to read him wasn’t clear. But he went on to ask, “ ... Can we talk?”
If... “If” what? Didn’t make sense to ... Anyway ... The tiger wasn’t sleeping regardless of him doing this or not, so, um, sure. Navy let him in – or opened the door to – and ... they kind of eyed each other a minute, then he entered.
Case requested, “Can I sit?” directing it at her mostly-made bed, Navy’s vague indent still pressed there and to her folded comforter ... Smoothing it for him, personal blanket set elsewhere, she motioned towards the head of it that he could. Suppose ... And she placed herself by its other end, arm on her lap. Despite it having size enough to lay on she found their closeness awkward so ... maybe her idea wasn’t the best but he asked. Whatever. Not a big deal.
His expression, the way he held himself, was odd. Like usual but not.
Deliberately ... Very deliberately, he breathed in, then out. “I’ve been in my room a lot – since you got back ... It’s not mine, just the one across that I was ... You know what I mean.” As though restarting, he explained to Navy, “ ... I don’t know what I can say that you’ll believe. I don’t talk to many people; I haven’t talked much to you. I’m bad at it ... but that’s not the issue. If I was different with you, if I was more honest and treated you better, then none of this would have happened, and last time would have gone better, and if I didn’t lead you on then it could have at least hurt less. I should have done something about it. You don’t have to believe me; I don’t think you will, and there’s no reason you should. All I’ve done is lie to your face, pretending I had a clue what I was doing ... And there were times, multiple, that I knew my actions, the things I said, would be painful for you, and I did it anyway. I did it specifically because I understood how much it would affect you. I wanted you to feel bad. I was trying to make you go away. So you shouldn’t...” He had to swallow. “You shouldn’t trust me. Everything I’ve done says it would be wrong to. You deserve to think I’m a liar; I made it that way, and those are the consequences ... But if Ballinger is real, if we’re going to stay here ... if I’m going to see you in town, and pass by until we stop even telling each other ‘goodnight’, and you move out to live with someone else ... then I have to tell you...”
“ ... I’m sorry.”
They were staring at one another directly. Navy wasn’t sure when that happened. Picking at her clothes, all she had in response was, almost unsaid, “ ... Oh.”
... Fucking do something, idiot. “ ... That’s ... Alright.”
“ ... Yeah.” He was going to get up. “ ... All I wanted to say. I’ll go so you can, uh ... use your bed.”
“Nonono no ... Um ... You don’t have to.” Accept it. “You ... Thank you. I think it’s nice you’d say all of that. I ... appreciate you being honest about your feelings.” Cool, bro. Gonna charge him hourly?
Clasped in front of him, his hands seemed to relax. He did. Or maybe not. Either way he did look unsure. “ ... There wasn’t anything else on my mind. I can stay, but ... that was why I knocked.”
“Well,” Got a sentence to back that up? “Well I...” Evidently not.
...
Navy thought he was genuine – about this. Saying “Thanks” wasn’t enough. There was a bad feeling in him, he wanted to make up for their relationship, and she could put a bit more effort into helping him, as kindness for everything he’d done for her even if he wasn’t always ... perfect. An apology was given, and that’s what mattered as long as he didn’t do the same thing again. As long as he was serious then Navy could be alright with it, and him. And ... there were things she, morally, beyond what he did wrong, ought to put out there – for him.
“Case, I...” Navy had to be serious about her words, not stutter or come off insincere. “I’m glad you’re here, and for what you said. But your not the only person who’s done bad things. Because, I ... should not have said a lot of what I did last time. They were mean, a-and hurtful, and ... we both, apparently, had times we did that on purpose. If I’m honest, th-they were more than bad; I was cruel. With what happened...” Not the right time to bring it up. “I’m sorry, too. Very sorry, and I should have to be. So ... we both did this wrong. It’s not all ... y-you.”
He nodded along idly. It was clear how far in her speech dug. His face was intentionally kept from hers; no direct looks.
...
A catch in his throat kept words at bay. He tried to flex it, to cough it out, but eventually realized he simply had to speak through it.
“ ... If that’s what you think ... Christ, I barely know you – and the reverse, too. But, uh ... could we maybe ... try again?”
How was she supposed to...?
... That was a gut, immediate reaction. It was in Navy’s, and his, best interest for her to think about this. Case had however long to himself, and he considered stuff he hadn’t – about him, Navy, what they’d said and kept hidden – and because of whatever occurred, what was realized, Case was ... better ... So, Navy...
It ... hurt. The tiger had a feeling all over. It was in her face, and her limbs, and the deepest parts of her chest, and the frontest lobes of her brain; wherever it could sting most, the feeling swarmed it. What Navy already concluded was correct, not by presumption or instinct but plain ... reason, wasn’t the response she wanted to give. Either reply felt wrong. She didn’t know what to do. Except she did ... and Navy couldn’t instigate this. Accepting his offer didn’t make sense on any level, in any way. It felt like betrayal. Accepting wasn’t right because... how could she possibly justify it?
He uttered, low as she’d ever heard him, “I don’t know how I would be if you said ‘yes’. I don’t know. I’ve never tried something like this before ... and that’s a reason, not an excuse. If you did, though, I’d try to make sure you don’t regret it.”
... She... can’t. There’s no good explanation she could come up with. It was a bad idea. And yes, it’s good that he’s open, and talking to her, and that they’re saying things they should have well long ago, and ... She can’t. She shouldn’t.
Gently, she wondered, “ ... Why now?”
... Posture unchanging, gaze unremoved from the carpet or wall, the wolf decided how to answer. Eventually, he got out, “Because I did things I shouldn’t have, and one of those is not doing this earlier. Waiting just makes it worse ... so talking now is better than never, I guess.”
He ... She could...
... But it...
Navy understood perfectly that she could tell him, “No,” and he would leave, and that would be it. Him saying “sorry” would have been heard, and accepted, and that would be that. She could. She should. There was no good sense in saying otherwise. So that was what she’d do. It wasn’t mean, or hurtful, it was merely sensible and correct; for both of them.
“So ... Case...” This was good. “I think it’s r-really nice that you cared enough to do this, and to ask to start over ... and...”
But it hurt too bad. That was why.
Case was serious, and genuine in his apology. She couldn’t spurn him, cruel her tone or nice as could be, and she didn’t want to. She wanted very, very bad – an extent almost untamable – to agree and let them have a do-over.
She had to get a reply to one thing then they would be okay. “ ... I don’t want us to talk like that again.” Her voice hardly functioned under the compounding, unbearable weight.
...
And he settled, looking her in the eye, no sense of doubt or ill-purpose or lie on him, “I promise to never do that to you.”
... The moments between the sounds of his pledge and her caving were so imperceivably short it’s almost like they didn’t happen; or it was the forming tears and blurry sight of him that made it all not matter but what he told her. Leaning in totally, body dragged, falling along with, Navy hid her quivering face behind Case’s head, and hugged the boy that told her something he truly thought ... and did that because he cared. Bad and good arms hooked and held tight around him wherever they could, her on him, the mere fact he didn’t flinch or move away building and finally getting out a small whimper. And she looked like a fool, and she felt like one, and he didn’t mind enough to say or do anything about it, and she could hold him as secure as she liked until it was okay not to. Until then, she’d stay pressed to Case, wishing he’d hold her in return but knowing he probably wouldn’t – and that was fine. She just wanted to stay.
Emotions, the ones desired and those better forgotten, made their way out. Navy wiped her face, aware the brighter, sensitive color of her sclera wouldn’t hide her feelings, and that Case knew anyway. She hopefully would get more times to be with him, and do other things, so she pulled mostly away, one hand still on his neck. It was plain as her presence itself that Navy was a wreck.
Her thoughts didn’t make sense. His face wasn’t cold, just stoic. The person she was with made her feel better. He made her feel warmer, and all the ideas and words and things in her head went fuzzy.
An exchange wasn’t had, an intent not given. Leaning in once more, different than last time, she put her lips on his, and kissed him.
Everything was perfect. Navy’s mouth was on Case’s and she had not the littlest bit of experience on how to do this correctly but he was soft and she puckered her lips a little and it didn’t work or didn’t seem to and she ... breathed out really hard, their heads tilted so it blew right on his cheek and to her hand, Navy unable to help herself from grabbing at the flesh and fur on his neck almost instinctually, encouraged to because it felt like if she didn’t she’d lose all nerve and collapse. Her kiss was bad and she knew it. He didn’t stop it, so she kept their touch, unable to move, enjoying the fleeting sensation of a peck on his mouth ... that wasn’t doing as she was.
She should stop. She did stop. She removed herself from him, reluctantly, and drew some distance, a thick intangible lump impossible to get down her throat seeming to grow at the very peak of it ... He didn’t look fazed ... or like anything different at all.
... Unbel–
What the fuck was that? Why the fuck did she do that? What part of “start over” means forcing herself on someone who didn’t even respond to a hug. Come o-on ... Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy WHY DID she do that?! Dumb empty-brained idiot imbecile FUCKING stupid stupid stupid ... insufferable cunt. Something had to have possessed her into thinking that was the right choice to make. Because, if it didn’t, then WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!! HUH? Got an answer? Got a word or two for that? Got an excuse? Does she? Does she? Does she? Hm? Is there? Got it Yet? Sit. Feel bad. Be fucking scared, pathetic piece of garbage. SIT THERE AND FEEL BAD, BITCH. HE’S STARING BECAUSE HE HATES HER. And she deserved it, only now there could be no more acting like she didn’t.
Still, his demeanor did not falter. She was told, “You don’t have to pretend you feel that way. I’m okay being friends.”
...
Navy, using the maximum extent of her will, explained in a whisper no louder than a false sound which should be dismissed as a defect of the senses, “ ... But I meant it.”
...
A sudden, urging thought made Navy feel like she ought to look for a knife – any sharp object would do. Her vital organs felt extremely willing to have a pointed edge rip them open. That would be a perfect response to making the same mistake.
So, they sat together ... Navy waited, stone-stiff, cold like she was dead but warm like her soul hadn’t realized yet. Her arm hurt. She hurt. Why she did it wasn’t outside her reach – it was obvious, and largely simple-minded, and stupid. Consequences were sewn, so she would reap them. And the girl pleaded for mercy that shouldn’t be given.
She pleaded to herself, and to the wolf in a way he couldn’t possibly see.
...
They were close, and he finally moved. Case reached out, supported the between of her neck and shoulder, and kissed Navy back.
And ... uhm...
... Nav ... holding, his ... or him ... holding herr ... iffffelt ... nice am really good andhe’snice and his hhan on her neck went grab and grab ... hegh ... Ears go flicky up and down ‘cause ... what should she ... fuh ... wahke ... no wake up, jus kissing ... for a second...
... Huh...?
Her legss ... um ... rocked and hit the bed’s frame. Fluttering eyelids went up high enough long enough for her to see him up close, having to keep her pupils from rolling too hard some other way also. Calm as she’d ever known, the face she really wanted to keep seeing was right on hers, muzzle to muzzle, stony blue irirsi ... ir-is-es casually scanning their close, heated meeting point ... and contacting her gaze when it was able to be – embarrassing as that was. And he was so much better at mouth-stuff than her: Case moved, for starters, in almost a rhythm that was a little different each time, caressing Navy’s lips like it was the start of their kiss, then he held it, and grabbed her, and started it again, all slow and tender ... It ... Them doing that shouldn’t make her feel a lot ... it was just her mouth after all, so him pushing more ... forcefully together with Navy, and keeping her stable so they could keep going...
He was so ... cute and...
Present for much longer than realized, the heat of an overbearing sauna shy of turned her face, cheeks especially, into a puddle. Like if she touched there it would hurt ... Then it thrummed up to the surface on all of her, hottest points found scalding wherever they made contact. He’d come closer, their thighs brushing on occasion.
Steady, in-out puffs of air traced her, whiskers twitching and flexing, far less even breaths doing the same to him minus the unkempt agitation ... While it might be very ... um ... While it might be very pleasant to slouch, and let him hold her, and feel the push of his warm, gently moist lips and teeth through them ... Navy should probably ... do something too. Her kissing was even stiffer than earlier, she had no experience, hadn’t ever considered how to do it good ... Maybe she could just do what he was?
Adjusting from having been pushed against, so now the tiger was (closer to) sitting up straight, Navy got the chance to re-start their kiss and did ... okay. She moved, and actually gave a little more instead of just taking – a proper, if terrible, and awkward, kiss back. Boys definitely liked it when girls ... tried, at least. It felt better for her, so she hoped it went both ways like that ... Their kiss might work better if ... Well the act sounded gross but ... also not. How about leading up to it first and then she’d try? If that was her plan then ... how about...
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