The Worst Healer
Copyright© 2026 by InSpite
Return to the River
Rope was one of the many, many things that Sierra insisted on bringing with us to the dungeon.
It was a fact she’d mentioned at least six times between me waking up and us getting back to the river camp.
Thalia had scaled the cavern wall and climbed along the ceiling to the ruined staircase.
Once there, she’d found Ellie, asleep from mana exhaustion just as I had been, along with Sierra and Rhian’s gear.
Devon and Sierra climbed a rope she’d lowered down, then hauled up the injured Butter and Jonas, and their sleeping Healer before the others climbed up on their own.
I’d awoken to the sounds of laughter and the glow of a sanctuary spell. Jonas and Joy had managed to heal the group up between them, though Sierra was still picking out the shards of stone that Butter couldn’t reach.
It wasn’t an uneventful journey back to the surface, but with all three groups together – barring Skye – the encounters we had on our return were somewhat lopsided.
The biggest change was Sunrise.
Devon hadn’t lost any of his pride and Thalia was still self-centred to a fault, but they’d lost the sullenness that had hung over them.
Megan and Ellie seemed to have forged a bond, chatting or whispering to each other for most of the journey.
I even saw Ellie holding Sprat when we stopped for a rest, though her expression still seemed a little forlorn whenever she looked at the familiar.
I spent part of the journey learning a little from Joy.
Anatomy and Healing 101, this time, rather than sermons on Lyria. Her patience and upbeat demeanour made her an excellent teacher, now that I was prepared to listen to the subject matter.
Devon made an attempt to be charming and an even greater attempt to show off whenever enemies were around. Neither was particularly endearing, but I guess he got points for effort.
Thalia ... didn’t change. Not one little bit.
She scouted ahead and dispatched a few lone enemies. But always on her terms.
She’d occasionally disappear for an hour or so, would bring up mealtimes long before they were due and still had zero sense of personal space and appropriate conversation.
Without the extra strain of being trapped underground with her, though, they felt like personality quirks, rather than glaring flaws.
Finally, after another day and a half of travel, we saw daylight ahead of us.
Carefully watching my step, I made it to the entrance.
It felt good to be back outside.
The air was fresher, the open sky a relief after being in a cave for days, and the warm sunshine felt glorious.
For Sunrise, the relief was clearly amplified.
With Rhian and Thalia scouting the forest between us and the river camp, we went to unbury Sierra’s emergency supplies and Ellie’s staff.
That let us replenish our dwindling supply of arrows, and we had enough food to restock Sunrise’s supplies ... plus even more rope.
Sierra’s hoarding was vindicated and I had to quietly accept that I’d never be able to pack lightly after this.
The weight of it all didn’t feel too bad once it was on my back, though.
After a couple of weeks of hauling Ellie around in a sack, the backpacks alone were manageable.
Rhian returned with Skye just as we’d finished unburying the hoard.
She looked like she hadn’t slept in days but was ecstatic to see her friends again, as well as the rest of us, hugging everyone in turn and firing off questions about what had happened to us.
The mood was light as we made our way back to the river camp.
I ended up walking next to Ellie and Sierra for the last leg of the day’s journey.
“Come on, you always pack away a bottle or two. I know you,” Ellie insisted, not for the first time, that Sierra must have some form of alcohol. “We always celebrate the end of a mission with a drink.”
“Our mission ends when Sunrise are returned,” Sierra calmly reminded her. “It’s bad luck to celebrate before the end.”
“It’s bad luck to go a fucking month without drinking!” Ellie whined. “It’s been weeks already; we can’t go all the way back without one too.”
“Should have thought of that before you burnt our supplies,” Sierra said with a hard grin.
“So ... two bottles? What’ve you got?” Ellie demanded, unrepentant.
Sierra gave a long, defeated sigh, though she didn’t quite manage to hide her smile. “You always underestimate me. While I didn’t expect Sunrise to be alive, I did plan for the possibility.”
“Yes!” Ellie bounced on the spot excitedly. “What’ve you got?”
“I did have four bottles of whisky from the Baron’s still, but you burnt those.”
“Shit, that’s an expensive fire.” Ellie managed to look contrite for the briefest of moments but failed to lose her excitement. “So...”
“So, when I managed to resupply at a village, I picked up four bottles of black rum.”
Ellie nodded. “Solid choice, a little rough, but it’ll do.” She stopped to throw a quick glance around the group. “Sunrise look like lightweights, Jonas and Skye too. Sylvie looks like she can drink and Butter ... is an issue. But it should be more than enough to get the job done.”
“We’re not getting wasted,” Sierra declared.
“No ... just a little celebration,” Ellie reassured her.
Sierra sighed again. “The camp’s just ahead, let’s get settled in and get some food cooking before we worry about drinking.”
As we cleared the trees, the final member of our troupe came into view.
Thalia waited in the riverside clearing, sitting idly next to the body of a fairly large boar...
“Finally,” she called out. “Meat! Someone needs to get cooking, I’m starved.”
Butter grumbled under his breath but made his way forwards. “It’s going to take an hour or two, little lass, so you’ll have to be a little patient.”
He looked appraisingly at the boar, which seemed to be slightly larger than Thalia.
“We’ll need to get it off the ground. Sierra, could I borrow those ropes of yours ... and I’ll need someone to give me a hand hanging and dressing it.”
“Carrie and I can help you,” Joy offered.
“We can?” I asked, unsure. “I mean, I’m willing to help, but I have no idea what I’m doing.”
She nodded, calm as ever as she explained, “We’ve been talking about organs and anatomy. A practical lesson is worth twenty theory lessons.”
“For example,” she added as she knelt next to the boar. “This cut to the neck ... it severed the main artery there. Death would have been very quick. A wound like that you’d have seconds to try to heal ... and even then, it would probably be futile.”
“This other wound to the thigh, although nasty looking, seems to be secondary. Notice the tearing and marks here ... those are bite marks.” Joy paused for a moment before shouting in Thalia’s direction. “You really couldn’t wait for us to cook it? That’s how you get parasites!”
Thalia appeared to be settling in for a nap and didn’t respond.
Joy’s lesson continued as I helped Butter haul the boar to the edge of the clearing, where he hung it by its hind legs from a tree before dressing and butchering it.
While Joy showed me the appearance and location of the internal organs, Butter showed me how to remove a creature’s intestines without damaging them and contaminating the meat with their contents.
It certainly gave me a better overview of anatomy and a basic understanding of butchering a creature, but the combined lesson was gruelling.
I wasn’t confident I’d picked up enough to put anything I’d learned into practice, but both Butter and Joy seemed determined to teach me the basics on our journey home.
Joy and I washed our hands in the river while Butter began cooking.
He placed lean cuts of meat on sticks over the fire for tonight’s meal. From his supplies, he pulled out onions, garlic and a few herbs and vegetables and started making a stew for tomorrow.
Finally, he drove branches into the ground and hung strips of meat high above the fire to dry and smoke for the next few days.
Eleven sets of eyes watched his every move intently.
The prospect of a warm, freshly cooked meal after days of walking and combat was more than welcome.
As the meat started to sizzle, Sierra stood, pulling the bottles of black rum from her bag.
“I think we have something to celebrate,” she announced. “Ellie, Carrie, Skye, Jonas, Butter and Sylvie ... you’ve all survived your first trip into a dungeon. Tradition demands that we raise a glass to your safe return.”
There was a cheer to that, though I wasn’t sure if they were cheering the toast or the presence of rum. Either way, the bottles were passed around and mugs filled.
“Jonas,” Sierra called to get the Paladin’s attention. “Now that you’ve had a taste of adventure, are you going to come up with a name for your group?”
“Sadly, this will be my one and only adventure,” Jonas replied. “My sister is safe. We all made it out ... honestly, I think you’re all quite mad to do this for a living ... no offence.”
“The wilderness isn’t for me,” Butter declared. “Soft beds and evenings in the pub are my choice.”
“I like my current job,” Skye chimed in apologetically.
Attention shifted to Sylvie as she looked into her drink for a moment or two.
“Honestly,” she said, “I spent half the time down there thinking about running away. I thought I was going to die fighting those kobolds before we even got in. I was sure the orcs would kill us all ... and that ogre, I still don’t know how I survived that.”
She emptied her mug before adding, “In conclusion, fuck that.”
“Why would anyone willingly go down there?” Butter chimed in.