The Worst Healer
Copyright© 2026 by InSpite
Writing on the Wall
It was hard to keep track of time, but Sierra thought they were somewhere into their third day in the dungeon.
Things had gone a lot better since she’d calmed down and agreed to find the best route through the dungeon instead of rushing ahead blindly. They’d managed to make their way down two floors.
Rhian had scouted out this floor while the rest of them rested, and on her return, Sierra translated as Rhian signed their options.
“There are three ways down to the next floor. One is guarded by a troll, one by orcs and the other by a pack of slimes.”
“Fuck it,” she spat out in frustration, switching from translation to commentary. “The slimes would be an easy fight ... if we had our Healer. Without Carrie we’d lose half our group to their poison.”
“The same thing with the troll. Ellie would roast it in a few seconds if she were here, but we’re not beating a troll without fire.”
“That leaves the orcs...” she said quietly. “How many are we looking at, Rhian?”
Rhian flashed up all ten fingers, then repeated the gesture again.
“Twenty...” Butter shook his head firmly. “That’s more than we can handle.”
Sierra opened her mouth to disagree but couldn’t find the words.
“Ten and we might stand a chance ... but those things are tough,” Butter concluded. “At least that’s what I’ve heard.”
“Ten would still be too many,” Sierra conceded, “even with Ellie and Carrie. Orcs are no joke, they’re mean bastards.”
“What about a distraction?” Jonas offered. “I could hold off the troll while you slip past...”
Rhian quickly signed, “No, he couldn’t. But a distraction might be our best bet. The troll is too lazy to chase anything, and the slimes will start spraying poison the moment they’re disturbed ... but I could lure the orcs away while you all pass.”
There was a brief silence after Sierra translated.
“I should do it,” Skye said quietly.
Sierra sighed. “I appreciate the offer, Skye, but Rhian is a Scout. She can hide her tracks and lose the orcs.”
“And what are you going to do when you get to the next floor?” Skye quietly insisted. “Without Rhian you’ll never find your friends or Jonas’ sister.”
Jonas, Butter and Sierra all started to raise objections at the same time, but the blonde Mage cut them all off and continued. “You were right before, Sierra. Wind magic isn’t much good in a dungeon, but you were wrong about my job. I’ve never worked on a ship.”
Jonas gave a reluctant nod, prompting Sierra to ask, “So what is it that you do?”
“Royal messenger,” she replied proudly. “It took you two weeks to get here from Vaston ... I could be there in two days.”
“No one’s faster than a wind Mage,” Butter confirmed quietly. “And Skye is one of the fastest. Her feet barely touch the ground.”
Skye seemed resolute. “I’m a bad matchup for this dungeon, but I can dance circles around a pack of orcs, even if I can’t hurt them.”
“I don’t like it ... but I don’t see any other options,” Sierra conceded after a moment’s thought. “But if you’re going to do this, don’t take any risks. Once you’ve lured them away, get clear of the dungeon – we can meet you by the river camp.”
Ellie sat quietly watching me work.
She’d drifted a little, staring off into space or mumbling to herself, but mostly stayed lucid.
It was good to know she was healing, even if she wasn’t back to her old self.
“Carrie ... you didn’t have my staff when we fell did you?” she said quietly after a while. “I’ve looked through all the rubble, but I can’t see it anywhere.”
I paused, taking a break from carving into the wall. “We buried it, along with our tents and a ton of food.”
“Sierra is obsessed with stashing things away for later...” I watched carefully for a reaction as I added, “A bit like a squirrel.”
I definitely saw Ellie’s jaw tighten at the mention of the little rodents, but didn’t push given her fragile state. “What does it do anyway ... I mean, I’ve seen you cast spells while tied up.”
She gave a little laugh at that. “I keep forgetting how many things you don’t know.”
“Staffs are like a ... focus,” she continued. “They amplify the effects of a spell and make it more efficient, so it uses less mana. They’re not essential, but they can be handy.”
“Nyxia, the White Eagle Healer, used one.” I remembered.
“A lot of Healers do, but the effects are quite marginal, and they’re not much good for fighting with,” she said before turning her attention to what I’d been doing.
I was expecting some sort of constructive criticism or feedback, but Ellie found a bigger issue with what I was doing.
“Carrie,” she said quietly. “What the fuck are you doing?”
I looked over the message I’d been carving into a stone wall with the pick end of my war hammer.
“We talked about this yesterday...” I reminded her gently. “We agreed we should wait for them to find us, but if they didn’t come by today, we’d have to start looking for a way out.”
Ellie nodded slowly. I wasn’t sure if she remembered or was just agreeing with me.
“And...” she said cautiously before gesturing to my message. “What are you doing there?”
It seemed a little obvious to me but, I explained, “carving a message ... in case Rhian or Sierra come this way.”
She nodded again, covering her mouth with her hand as she examined it.
“There is a slight problem...” she pointed out. “I admit things have been a little blurry the last couple of days but ... I have no idea what that says.”
I read it aloud. “Red Briar. C and E were here. Looking for exit, follow arrows.”
She winced. “I’m really not sure if something has scrambled in my mind but ... to me it looks like you’ve scrawled out a lot of nonsense.”
“My handwriting isn’t great ... but I’m using a hammer,” I said a little defensively.
“It’s not that ... None of those blobs look anything like letters. Watch.”
She drew a character that looked a lot like a Z with a vertical line through it before adding four more equally odd letters.
I moved closer to see what she’d written and swore quietly to myself.
I’d seen her write out five strange characters, but looking at what she’d written all I could see was the word “Red.”
“God damn it,” I sighed. “I thought it was a bit weird you all spoke English.”
“I don’t know what that is, we all speak Human ... well we do in Vaston.”
I looked blankly at the words I’d carved out. Could there really be some power translating things for me?
“Oh!” Ellie perked up as if something had just occurred to her. “Your mother is a whore.”
“Wow, OK.” I threw my hands up. “It’s not my fault I can somehow read but not write, you don’t need to get personal.”
Ellie held up a calming hand. “You understood that? I was speaking Dwarven ... I only know a few swear words in other languages.”
“Cocksucker,” she pronounced carefully. “That’s Elven.”
“So ... no ‘hello’ or ‘my name is’?”
She shook her head. “Just the bad words.”
“OK, let’s try this,” I said as a thought occurred to me. “Je m’appelle Carrie.”
“It’s fucking not,” she snorted. “But yeah, that’s what you’re going by. Was that a different language?”
“That was French...” I thought it over for a moment or two. “So, something is translating what I say and hear, and what I read. But not what I write ... I guess these words are going to stay here and the ... whatever it is ... is just on me.”
As I looked over at Ellie to see if she could make sense of any of this, a dark shape moved around twenty paces behind her. It detached itself from the shadows of the cave walls to slide into the middle of the pathway.
Quietly nodding in the direction of the dark figure to warn Ellie, I scooped up my shield, but before I could call out a challenge, our visitor spoke.
“I was supposed to just watch you and see what you’re up to ... but that’s so boring.” The voice was definitely female, soft and slightly sultry. “A girl and a guy all alone down here ... I was at least hoping to see a little action, but it’s been days and all you did was sleep and scrawl on the walls.”
“Now you’re finally playing an interesting game. I’m not going to be left out.” The voice took on an almost childish, grumpy tone before she slowly said. “So, are you hers? If so, would she mind if I borrowed you?”
Ellie looked at me quickly. “She’s speaking Neko. Did you understand it?”
I nodded at Ellie and then turned my attention to the figure, pausing for a moment as I worked out how to respond. “It’s not like that, we’re ... in the same clan, Red Briar.”
“You’re ... available then?” The figure sidled a little closer.
“Fucking Nekos,” Ellie fumed, letting me know our visitor had switched back to a language she understood. “Back off, slut. Carrie is pure and saving himself for marriage.”
“Yeah ... wait, I’m fucking what?” It quickly occurred to me that in my shock I might have just blown some ruse Ellie had come up with. One quick glance at her own shocked expression shot down that idea. “Where did you get that idea?”
“What? Gwen literally drools over you, Sierra’s introduced you to like eight of her friends and Rhian...” Ellie blinked a couple of times. “If you’re not chaste, why do you never get laid?”
“Gwen is friendly with everyone ... and I guess I liked some of Sierra’s friends, but I didn’t think she’d want me doing anything with them. That feels a little close to home.”
“Spirits help you. Your time here could have been a lot more interesting.” She seemed genuinely amused, which didn’t help my confusion, especially when she added, “We were wondering why you never made any sort of move on any of us.”
“Wait, you guys have talked about this?”
“A lot,” she confided with a sly smile. “I’m out. Sorry to disappoint, but my curse and sleeping with friends don’t mix well. And I’m not saying they’re both into you or anything, but usually by now a guy would have tried something by now.”
“We’re a clan though, I don’t think it’s worth risking...”
We’d drifted off into our own conversation, forgetting about our visitor, which seemed to annoy her.
“Are you really talking about your feelings?” the voice whined. “Fucking humans and your endless feelings. It’s literally just sex. Why do you always have to spend so much time thinking about it and talking about it ... just do it.”
“And this,” Ellie whispered, “is why Nekos don’t spend much time in Human lands.”
“Fuck.” I kicked myself. I should have picked it up sooner, but I suddenly realised. “A Neko. Thalia?”
The figure strode forwards quickly, moving into the light.
Short and slim with a wiry build, she reminded me instantly of Carrion. Not just her slight form, but the way she moved – graceful and precise, with a tense energy like a coiled spring.
Dressed all in black, from her fingerless gloves to her boots, the only patches of colour were the off-white bandages wrapped around her forearms and shins and the exposed skin of her midriff between her form-fitting trousers and her leather vest. A short black cape with a hood covered her shoulders.
I took all of this in within a second. What I couldn’t quite wrap my head around were the black feline ears poking out from her black shoulder-length hair or the black tail that whipped from side to side behind her.
She flicked one hand to the side casually, the motion causing a knife to appear from somewhere.
“Where did you hear that name and who are you?” The playful petulance from earlier had vanished along with the shadows.
I desperately wanted to shout, ‘You’re a goddamn catgirl!’ but after a moment managed to restrain myself.
“Thalia, right?” I finally got out. “You’re a Rogue, B-Rank. You’re part of Sunrise.”
She narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously, so I continued. “I’m sorry, they told me you were a Neko Rogue, but I ... I’ve never met a Neko before, so it slipped my mind with everything else going on.”
“You never met a Neko before...” she purred, “because you’re from another world.”
I gave myself another kick, remembering she’d mentioned watching us for a while and wondering what else I’d let slip when I thought it was Ellie and me alone.
“You’re Carrie, D-Rank Healer, and this is Ellie, B-Rank Witch, both of Red Briar.” She sidled a little closer, still looking ready to pounce at any moment. “My ears and Appraise filled that in for me ... but that doesn’t explain why you’re here and why you know my name.”
“Joy Jordanson,” I announced quickly, holding up a hand to try to reassure her we weren’t enemies. “Your Healer. We were sent on a rescue mission when she didn’t return on time. Her brother was with us.”
“The pretty Paladin is here? He’s fun to tease, but not much good for anything else.” She crept a little closer to me, seeming to ignore Ellie now. “You though, you look strong and sturdy, and I’ve never been with someone from another world.”
“That’s...” I hesitated for a moment.
“Psst, Carrie,” she whispered, interrupting my thoughts. “My eyes are down here.”
I quickly lowered my gaze to meet hers, flushing slightly as she’d caught me staring at her ears.
She slipped slowly ever closer until she was almost pressed against me.
As she only came to around halfway up my chest, she had to tilt her head back to look at me, her ears twitching slightly as she did.
“You can touch them if you want to ... as long as you’re gentle,” she purred.
“A-fucking-hem,” Ellie snorted out.
Her slight smile gave away that she was enjoying my discomfort, but this had gone far enough. “I’m not slipping off into some dark corner so you two can fuck. We’re in a dungeon. Behave.”
Thalia flashed a quick smile that revealed two sharp-looking canine teeth as she looked the Witch up and down appraisingly. “You’re welcome to watch ... or join in.”
Ellie opened her mouth instantly to protest, and then ... didn’t.
Instead, she paused for a moment with a vaguely thoughtful look on her face until I started to panic.
“Ellie...” I prompted.
She flashed a quick grin of her own. “A tempting offer ... but we need to get out of this dungeon. Once we’ve done that, you can have Carrie’s cherry.”
“Not a virgin,” I sighed.
“Stop acting like one then,” she replied with a wink.
“Sylvie, keep more pressure on that wound. Jonas, we need a heal over here or he’s going to lose that arm.”
Sierra barked out orders, getting everyone back on their feet after a near disaster.
“Did anyone see if Skye made it out?” Jonas asked, even as he moved to tend to Butter.
Somewhere in the chaos he’d lost his helm and taken a nasty-looking cut to the forehead.