The Worst Healer
Copyright© 2026 by InSpite
Laundry
The river came down from the mountains. Fed by melting snow in the higher peaks, the water’s cold shock took my breath away for a moment as it reached my waist.
I should have gotten used to it by now, but every day it still made wading in it a test of endurance.
“So, what have we learnt over the last two weeks?” I’d grown into the habit of talking, mostly to myself, to take my mind off the frigid water.
I pulled the bar of soap out of my pocket. “Walking sucks. That’s an easy one. We learnt that after half a day. It sucks even more when it keeps raining and you’re stuck in wet trousers.”
“We learnt that the town guard aren’t too fond of screaming bags with girls in them.” I started my daily cleaning chore, scrubbing soap into rough fabric. “And then we learnt the town guard are depressingly cheap to bribe.”
“This world is called Callinus, and the country we’re in is Athelmore. We learnt that.” After a moment, I had to concede. “Those probably would have been day one questions for most people, but we got there in the end.”
“We learnt that if you shit in your potato sack then you spend the rest of the day in a cold, wet sack.” I raised my voice a little for that one, throwing a glance over my shoulder at Ellie.
The bound and gagged Witch appeared to be watching the clouds and paying no attention to me. “OK, maybe we haven’t learnt that one yet.”
I sighed and went back to scrubbing the filthy sack.
At least she wasn’t screaming all the time. Now she swung between rage, amusement and her current serene dissociation. On the plus side, I’d gone four days without getting bitten while feeding her.
“Oh, we learnt that the giant frogs are called kromps, and their favourite food seems to be wriggling sacks.” I plunged the sack into the river to wash out the soap and filth. “Then one night, we learnt they can swallow a small person whole, and that I suck at guard duty ... Sorry about that one.”
“We learnt about screaming monkeys, spikebears, and eyespiders...” I stopped with a shudder. “Actually, I’m still trying to forget that last one.”
“You really do suck at guard duty,” a woman’s voice called out from behind me.
I sighed.
Rhian was going to be so mad.
She’d already questioned how I’d survived to adulthood at least once a day on our journey.
I turned slowly.
“Oh, fuck off!” the words slipped out before I could stop them.
The sturdy-looking woman in faded leathers, pointing a partly drawn longbow in my direction, raised an eyebrow at that. “Excuse me?” Her gear seemed simple but well-used, and a long braid of brown hair hung over one shoulder.
I pointed to the fully armoured figure standing beside her. “Sorry, it’s just ... you look sneaky, but how the hell did he creep up on me?” The figure appeared male by the shape of the armour – full plate with expensive-looking gilding and a perfect shine – but the closed helm made it impossible to tell much about them.
“Sneaky...?” she asked uncertainly.
“And how come he gets to wear full plate – I thought that was just for battle?”
Her eyebrow went up another notch.
“Sorry ... I talk a lot when people are trying to kill me. Not that you are trying to kill me,” I added hastily. “And your friend looks great. I wanted to get full plate, but someone told me it was totally impractical.”
“My friend is a Paladin.” She spoke a little slower than before, as if talking to a child or someone a little dim.
Her tone stung a little, especially as I had no idea why being a Paladin made walking around in full plate the thing to do, but I could hardly ask now.
“I’m a Ranger,” she continued, “and it’s a little strange to be called sneaky by someone with a tied-up girl.”
“Oh, I’m a Healer and it’s not a girl. She’s just small and covered in dirt. She’s actually a W...” I cut myself off, something tickling the back of my mind about Paladins and Witches.
“She’s a...” the Ranger prompted.
“ ... friend ... she’s a friend.”
“And you’re a Healer ... I don’t suppose you’d like to show me a healing spell?” She gestured with her bow towards me. “You’ll have to forgive me, but you don’t look like a Healer and this ... looks an awful lot like a kidnapping.”
I wasn’t a hundred percent sure on the whole Paladin and Witch thing, but Sierra had made it very clear that I should never heal in front of one ... something about blasphemy.
“Sorry, erm ... all out of mana right now,” I said, giving my best version of a casual shrug.
She nodded, as if what I’d said was perfectly believable. “And the other set of footprints ... the ones leading west?”
“One of my group,” I confirmed quietly, not liking where this was leading. “Gone to get supplies from a nearby village. Apparently, I stick out like a sore thumb.”
The Paladin stooped over, to pick up my war hammer, his helm swinging to look at me with an unspoken question.
“Hey, don’t...” I protested, taking a step towards the shore before the woman waved me back with her bow. “And that’s monkey blood ... not people ... you can smell that, right?”
“Smell that?” she asked in a confused tone.
I shrugged unconvincingly.
Rhian would have been able to tell what creature the blood had come from, but if the Ranger had only seen one set of tracks, I didn’t really want to bring up our Scout.
“Right, Mr Healer, here’s what I think.” She raised her longbow, carefully taking aim at me. “I think you’re the muscle for a gang and you’ve snatched yourself a girl. You can’t go to the village, because someone had to watch your prize and you probably have a bounty on your head.”
I was getting ready to dive under the water and hoping she’d somehow miss her first shot, but to my surprise, the arrow didn’t come and she continued speaking. “I’d have shot you in the back, but Jonas here likes to get evidence or a confession before an execution.”
“So,” she concluded, “here’s what’s going to happen. You tell us everything and I make it clean. Or the girl tells us ... from the state she looks to be in, I doubt you’ll be getting any mercy once we hear her side.”
“Oh, you really don’t want to hear her side...” I clenched my fists in frustration, trying to think of a way of avoiding being shot while stopping this. “Please, she’s ... sick.”
“Jonas, ungag her so I can start putting arrows in this creep,” the Ranger ordered.
“Jonas!” I slowly started bending my knees as I spoke, hoping to slowly sink a little deeper into the water without being noticed. “I know you don’t know me, but ... trust me, don’t touch that gag.”
Jonas was unconvinced.
Dropping to one knee, he peeled off his heavy gauntlets and gently untied the leather wrap we’d tied around Ellie’s mouth, pulling the sock we’d crammed in there free with it.
I bent my knees a little more, hoping the water would protect me from the coming flames.
Ellie looked around with a distant smile before fixing her vacant gaze on Jonas.
I tensed as she opened her mouth.
“Bop,” she giggled.
Jonas looked around at the Ranger.
“Bubbles,” Ellie muttered in a confused tone.
“Her mind is broken,” Jonas’ voice echoed from inside his helm. “Whatever they’ve done to her ... she clearly couldn’t take it anymore.”
The Ranger pulled back the bowstring a little further and settled her aim on me as Ellie’s confused expression turned to relief in a moment, as if she’d just solved a puzzle.
“Blink,” she said, disappearing the moment she’d said it.
“Fuck,” I sighed, “not again.”
“Not again? What the fuck is going on?” the Ranger demanded with a mixture of anger and anxiety.
“I don’t really have time to explain right now,” I pointed out. “But I’d strongly suggest you both get in the river ... unless you’re really good at dodging.”
“Jonas, Blink is a Trickster Skill, isn’t it?” The Ranger ignored me, turning to her companion, who nodded. “Good, then there isn’t much else she can do tied up. Probably panicked, we’ll find her and...”
A grapefruit-sized ball of fire shot out of the forest, striking Jonas in the chest and lifting him off his feet. Blasted backwards, he sailed halfway to where I was wading before landing with a colossal splash and faint hissing.
Sylvie looked at me open-mouthed for a moment before turning and pointing her bow towards the forest.
“Jonas isn’t great at dodging,” I pointed out. “Unless you’re a lot better, get in the river, NOW!”
Her head swung from the forest to where Jonas had disappeared underneath the water and back again.
“Don’t worry, I’ll grab him,” I shouted, glad to see her backing into the water with her attention still fixed on the trees. I waded to where the Paladin had landed and started fumbling around with my arms outstretched below the water.
Luckily, the slow-moving water was no match for the weight of his armour, and he’d sunk straight to the bottom.
I managed to pull him to the surface as the Ranger reached me. With her help, we finally managed to get his head out of the water.
We both watched as water drooled from the breathing holes in his helm for what felt like a worryingly long time.
“He’s fine,” I guessed, when the water finally stopped.
The forest a hundred paces away to our right erupted in flames, a wave of heat reaching us a few moments later from the blast.
“What was that?” the Ranger demanded.
“It’s a good thing. Trust me, Inferno takes a lot of mana,” I assured her.
“Inferno? That’s high-level fire magic.” She had a slightly wild look in her eyes as she demanded, “What’s she casting Inferno on?”
I sighed.
I knew the answer, but it wasn’t going to reassure her or make the situation less insane. “Probably a squirrel. She fucking hates squirrels.”
She opened her mouth again, but I cut her off. “I don’t know, OK? They just ... get her all riled up.”
I was distracted by the look of incomprehension on her face, and for a moment I made the mistake of taking my eyes off the forest and nearly paid the price for it.
My plan had been to try and duck under the water if anything came my way.
Instead, with no time to think, I reacted on instinct, fell back on Sierra’s constant drilling and threw up my shield to block the spear of fire that was nearly on me.
As I felt the heat of the blast on my face and the impact shudder through my arms, I realised my mistake.
My shield was still somewhere on the shore.
The Ranger did not look happy. “Did you just use Jonas as a shield?” she demanded.
“Sorry ... Incinerate shouldn’t get through his armour...” I muttered, lowering him into the water and trying to ignore the angry hissing the heated metal of his breastplate made as it met the freezing water. “I’ll heal him once we’re out of here.”
“Who the fuck are you and what the fuck is going on?” she demanded in a near-hysterical tone.
“I’m Carrie,” I said, trying to keep my tone calm and friendly to stop her from panicking. “We’ll be OK, we just need to ... Shit! DUCK.”
I had to cut off my reassurance as a tightly wound ball of fire started to grow between us.
I plunged under the water, dragging the Paladin with me. I hoped she would do the same but there was no time to make sure.
A heartbeat later, everything went white.
A shockwave hit me, knocking the Paladin out of my grip as the water around us turned uncomfortably warm.
I fumbled around for a moment as the warm water drifted downstream to be replaced by chilling ice melt again.
He’d sunk to the bottom again and it took me a few tries to haul him to the surface.
The Ranger flinched as we broke the surface. I was glad to see she’d managed to duck, but her attention was now locked firmly on the trees.
“So, as I was saying,” I continued, “she’ll run out of mana and fall asleep. We just need to sit tight for a while.”
There was silence, except for the river and the water dripping from Jonas’ helm again.
After a moment of waiting awkwardly, I felt the need to try and say something. “So ... what can Rangers do?”
She turned her attention to me with an incredulous look. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she demanded, before resuming her careful watch on the trees.
“Well ... we might be here for a while,” I suggested. “Just trying to pass the time.”
“The time?” she snapped. “How long do you think we can stand in a freezing river for?”
I thought about that for a moment.
I was uncomfortable. Stabbing pains were growing in my toes and my legs were numbing, but I could stay out here longer if I needed to.
The Ranger was shorter than me, the water reaching nearly to her armpits and she was already shivering violently.
OK, new problem then.
I sighed, scanning the sporadic fires that had sprung up in the forest. Two problems.
With the forest burning in patches all around us now, I had to work out where Ellie was in relation to them and make sure she wasn’t in danger from one of them.
Readjusting my grip on Jonas, I started wading towards the shore. Treading carefully, I stayed ready to throw myself under the water at any moment.
As I neared the shore and rose up out of the water, the Ranger was in for another surprise. “You’re...” she started, cutting off when the answer became obvious.
“I don’t like marching around all day in wet trousers, OK. I didn’t really plan on having company, but we’ve got bigger worries than underwear right now,” I shot back as I reached the shore and gently laid the Paladin down.
Feeling exposed in more ways than one, I scampered to where my shield lay, surprised that I somehow felt a lot less naked and exposed once it was in my hands – even though I was still, literally, naked and exposed.
I picked my way forward, placing bare feet carefully and angling away from the worst of the fires as I made my way into the forest.
Ellie could jump about 50 paces, and her ring only let her Blink once a day. That gave me a half-circle against the river to search, but I could narrow that down to a smaller slice from the rough direction of her attacks.