The Privy Report 2
Copyright© 2026 by Old Grey Duck
Chapter 35
“Sunday Brunch. 10:30. Dennys. My treat.”
That simple text from my son set in motion a series of events that I’m still trying to figure out. We all met at the appointed time and location and ended up in a lage booth in the back corner. Orders were placed, food was brought out, conversation flowed and I was savoring my orange juice when my granddaughter piped up.
“So you’re going to help me, right Grandpa?” When I asked what she meant, she continued. “My joke stuff. Mrs. Fowler signed me up to do a thing at the next counsel meeting. She said it can’t go over ten minutes.”
Back in Chapter 30, I mentioned that said grandchild had given a small comedy stand up presentation at a Troop pool party. It was well received, and for an 11 year old to get people laughing (without the use of any naughty language) was quite the accomplishment.
What I didn’t mention is that the local Girl Scout Counsel meets on the first Saturday of the month to go over stuff for the troops and upcoming events and will sometimes feature a young lady offering her talent to entertain everyone. (No meeting in July due to the holiday.) It’s a pot-luck and everyone brings something to share. Well, my darling grandchild had been asked to be the entertainment for the afternoon.
“You’re always telling jokes, so I figured you can help me pick a bunch out!”
I looked around the table. My son and his wife wore amused smirks. Grandson was busy with another stack of pancakes. And when I looked over at her, Sweetie laughed. “Don’t look at me! You got yourself into this mess, running your mouth!”
She ended up riding home with us, after we stopped to get her tablet. Seems that she had been saving possible joke material on it and we would go through everything, trying to decide what were the best jokes.
Now this is where I’m hoping that YOU, the readers, will step up and help us. I have broken the jokes down in groups of 5 each. Please try and pick your favorite joke from each group (they will be numbered) and see which ones are the most popular. Remember, this is a child I am working with, so no mean remarks. And while you might want to suggest your own joke, we already have a large selection to choose from. I’m also certain that many of you have heard these before.
Please let us know your choices by number, by selecting CONTACT AUTHOR at the bottom on the page, not by “comments” so it will be easier to tabulate.
Results will be posted when they are available. Thank you in advance for your assistance.
1. What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up!
2. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
3. What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
4. What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.
5. Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank.
6. How do you make an egg roll? You push it!
7. What would bears be without bees? Ears.
8. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain.
9. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
10. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
11. What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless.
12. RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
13. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
14. I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know what comes first.
15. Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!
16. What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
17. What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
18. Where was King David’s temple located? Beside his ear.
19. What did one toilet say to another? You look flushed.
20. What lights up a soccer stadium? A soccer match.
21. What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!
22. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
23. What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
24. What do sprinters eat before they race? Nothing. They fast.
25. What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every day.
26. A bossy man walked into a bar ... And ordered everyone a round.
27. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
28. What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
29. What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop.
30. Do you know what they say about a clean desk? It’s a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
31. How did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.
32. I told my friend 10 jokes to make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
33. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Any idea how to drive this thing?”
34. What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
35. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen? Because it’s pointless.
36. Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle? Because he’s always lion.
37. What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
38. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
39. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry!
40. Why are pirates called pirates? They just ARRRR!
41. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
42. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
43. What do cows read the most? Cattle-logs.
44. I lost an electron. You really have to keep an ion them!
45. What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunder pants!
46. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
47. What do you call a grumpy cow? Mooo-dy.
48. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
49. What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2.
50. What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!
51. What’s small and red and has a rough voice? A hoarse radish!
52. Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? Because they are such fun-gis.
53. Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears.
54. Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet? Because he always got lost at “C.”
55. How bad were the fish’s grades? They were below sea level.
56. What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
57. How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem!
58. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
59. What kind of cheese isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
60. What does a spy do when he is cold? He goes undercover.
61. How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
62. When do computers overheat? When they need to vent.
63. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
64. If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
65. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
66. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
67. How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
68. What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.
69. Where did the lettuce go for a drink? The salad bar.
70. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
To read the complete story you need to be logged in:
Log In or
Register for a Free account
(Why register?)
* Allows you 3 stories to read in 24 hours.