Jacinta Takes a Walk
Copyright© 2025 by BarBar
Chapter 35: The End Of The Walk
After work, Barb dropped me off outside SHORT. I walked up to the front door and pressed the button.
I spoke into the box. “Hi! It’s Jacinta. I’m home.”
Roseanna’s voice answered me. “Welcome back. Here goes the door.”
It was only after the door had buzzed, and I’d opened it and walked through that I realised what I’d said.
I’m home?
Was that a real feeling, or simply a slip of the tongue? I tried to sort through my feelings as I walked through into the common area. I couldn’t decide.
A whole bunch of people were sitting around watching the TV. There was some comedy showing.
I went into the kitchen and grabbed my dinner out of the fridge. The note with my name on it said to grab a bowl of salad as well. Maya and Vee were also at work, but there were no meals set aside for them. Vee had told me that she and Maya worked as waitresses at a restaurant and they wouldn’t get back until shortly after 10pm. She also told me that the restaurant fed them some dinner. I grabbed one of the salad bowls and started nibbling on the salad while the plate was getting zapped in the microwave.
I set myself up at a table where I could see the TV. The meal tonight was a square of lasagne with a sauce that seemed to contain both minced beef and finely chopped vegetables. Plus the garden salad.
The TV show was from the US and it was about a family where the personalities of everyone kind of clashed, but they always seemed to resolve their issues by the end of the episode. They had some good one-liner jokes and some fun bits of physical slapstick style comedy. Everyone seemed to be enjoying it and having a good laugh, but I couldn’t get into it.
I finished my meal and tidied up. As I was doing that, Hazel got up from the crowd watching TV and trotted up to me holding a big bowl.
“Do you want a bikkie?” she asked, offering me the bowl. “Some of us decided to bake.”
The bowl contained 3 biscuits and a bunch of crumbs which implied that there had once been many more biscuits.
“Thanks, Hazel. A bikkie would be perfect,” I said to her with a smile.
I took one of the biscuits and she gave me a broad smile, then twirled and trotted back to take her place in the crowd watching TV. The biscuit had that just baked freshness. It smelled great and tasted great too. It did collapse a little bit so I ended up with a palm full of crumbs but I was happy to lick them off my hand.
I made myself a cup of tea. I leaned against the wall and looked around. A particularly loud burst of laughter seemed to weigh in on me. The press of people around me seemed to have been constant since 7:00am this morning and it was getting to me. The bathroom was crowded. The bus was crowded. School was always full of people. In class I was used to sitting away on my own, but my new friends had insisted that I sit with them. All day, I’d had people crowding around me. Dr Priya crowded me, touching me, poking me. Even at work I hadn’t been able to get away from people, with that chatterbox following me around.
I felt like I needed to go for a walk. On the other hand, I’d been on my feet and working for three hours and my legs were tired. A short walk then. But I needed to do something to get away on my own for a bit. I needed a chance to breathe, to regroup, to think.
Making a sudden decision, I walked through to the back door and pressed the button on the intercom.
“Hey Roseanna? It’s Jacinta. I’d like to head out to the fire pit. Is that okay? Would you open the door, please?”
Roseanna’s voice came back. “No worries, Jacinta. Hunter is already out there.”
I felt my stomach drop and I almost turned around. I wanted to be alone. The last thing I needed was someone else crowding me.
The door buzzed. I opened it and stepped through before I’d made up my mind whether or not to go out there. Apparently my body wanted to go out and my mind didn’t get a vote.
I followed the path out to the fire pit, carrying my mug of tea carefully so that it didn’t spill.
Hunter was sitting on the far side, hidden in the half-shadows left by the floodlight back on the building. The glow of a cigarette curved in an arc up to his mouth, and then down again. I slid onto a bench without saying anything. We were nearly opposite each other across the fire pit.
Hunter blew smoke out of his nose. “Are you here to talk?”
“No,” I said. “I wanted to be alone, but...”
“Good,” said Hunter, cutting me off. “Me too. So stop talking and be alone.”
I shut my mouth and sat there. The cigarette glow arced up to his mouth and then down again.
I sipped my tea and turned slightly so that I was looking out into the dark, away from where Hunter was. It gave me an illusion of being alone, which I guess counted for something.
It took a moment, but I managed to put it out of my mind that he was there. I let out a big sigh and sipped at my tea. Now I was ready to turn my mind back to what I’d said when I returned from work.
I’m home???
This place is a residence. Nineteen of us living in dorms with communal bathrooms, and shared meals, and watching TV together. Is it really a home? And is it really my home?
Home used to be just me and Jackie. It was probably more accurate to say we shared a house together. Suddenly I was living with 18 other teens and 2 adults, with a few other adults drifting in and out. I’d known them for three days or less. For some of them, I didn’t know much more about them than their names. But a number of the teens had started to worm their way inside my skin, as if they belonged there.
I was sharing a bedroom with two other girls, that was a new experience. And I’d shared a bed with another girl, twice. And not even for sex. We’d simply held onto each other for comfort or companionship or whatever word you wanted to use. That was weird. But it had felt right at the time.
Is this what it was like to have brothers and sisters? Probably not, but maybe a little. Maya had said there was a regular turnover. Kids would arrive and others would leave. That wasn’t supposed to happen with brothers and sisters. Was it? Siblings might move out of home, but from what I understood, they rarely moved out of your lives. Jenny had shown me that. She was still very much a sister to Tabby and Freddy, even if she no longer lived at home.
I flashed back to when I’d sat in the bathroom and watched the three of them showering together. I’d cried at the time, without knowing why. Maybe I’d been jealous of their closeness. Maybe I’d been feeling lonely, missing out on what they had. Maybe it was something else. I still didn’t know.
I sipped at my tea and looked out into the darkness. A distant horn blared. Faint traffic noise that could be heard if you listened for it, or ignored if you chose. Nearer to me, Hunter shifted on the bench, his feet making a slight rustling sound as he disturbed the dead leaves at his feet. Then he was quiet again. He knew how to be still, how to be quiet. I appreciated that.
I sorted through my memories of Thursday night. It was not easy, I’d been very drunk and tripping bad. But I remembered deciding to go for a walk. That walk had led me to Uncle Alex’s house, and that came with Jenny, then Freddy, then Tabby. From there I went back and forth to Alder St, and then to here. Was that walk over? I guess technically it had finished on Saturday night when Grace from the DCP had brought me here. At the time, I hadn’t realised I’d arrived at my destination. I’d been too confused and dazed on Saturday night to register much of anything. But looking back now, I knew it was true. I had arrived.
I’d started at one place and finished at another.
I belonged here, that was obvious. I probably belonged here more than I ever really belonged in the house on Alder Street. It would probably take me a bit longer to get really settled in, but already I felt like this place was starting to feel familiar. Safe.
The answer to my question was yes. I was home. It seems like it will be my home until I turn eighteen, which is more than a year and a half away. After that, who knows what will happen. Like I’d said to Dr Priya, I’m worried about what will happen after that, but eighteen is a long way off and there isn’t much I can do about it at the moment. Maybe try a bit harder at school.
The constant press of people around me was a worry. I had to look out for that. If I didn’t take little breaks from them, I would lose it. I would throw another wobbly, or have another meltdown, or whatever you want to call it. This moment I was taking was good. I needed to do more of this.
Maybe I should have talked about that with Dr Priya. Maybe I should have told her that I have problems being around too many people for long periods of time. But what could she do about that? Not much. So what would be the point of telling her?
There was a lot I didn’t say to Dr Priya. I couldn’t. I mean, how do you explain that you have an invisible friend called Frodo? It had taken me a long time to figure out that other people couldn’t see Frodo, but I got there eventually. And sometimes I had another friend called Samwise. Not to mention Merry and Pippin. They were my friends. Mine. Not for sharing.
Dr Priya had asked about my mental health. I really do feel fine. Frodo protects me and helps me feel safe. Without Frodo I probably would have been a mess after that attack that put me into hospital. Without Frodo, I probably would have been a mess right now, after finding out about Jackie and being brought here to live.
When Frodo had taken over and got me to Jenny on Saturday evening, that had been to keep me safe. Before then, Frodo hadn’t taken over so completely for ages. After Dad died, I checked out, and let Frodo do the hard work of living from day to day. I don’t remember most of what I did back then because that was mostly Frodo. Frodo had kept me alive back then. Frodo had saved me.
I reached out and felt Frodo’s curly hair under my hand. I smiled and felt my body relax.
I’d finished my mug of tea. That shower was calling out to me. I glanced over at Hunter. He’d finished his cigarette and was sitting, looking up at the stars. He looked at me and I raised my hand, half a salute, half a wave. It was supposed to say thanks for being there, thanks for letting me be here, thanks for being quiet, thanks for giving me space. I guess all he saw was me lifting up my hand.