A Cry in the Wilderness
Copyright© 2025 by Megumi Kashuahara
Chapter 15: Hearts Opening
When Will, Sarah and Cassie left Póéso and Ma’hoena lying in Will’s bed, Póéso asked her sister, speaking in Cheyenne, “Your heart is open to this man Will, isn’t it?”
Ma’hoena replied with a demure smile and nodded. “Yes. I feel in my heart he is kind, gentle and he cares for us. You feel too, I saw it in your eyes.”
“Yes, I feel too, but I will guard my heart. White men want only one thing from Indian girls. They deceive, they lie and pretend. I feel this man is gentle, caring, but I will watch. I will watch and see if his heart is true.”
Ma’hoena gave a slight nod with an “Mmmm.”
She turned her head from her sister so she wouldn’t see the tears welling in her eyes. Ma’hoena had started to curse, condemn and argue with herself because of a crime of horrific violence no one else knew about. Not her sister, not anyone. She felt filthy with a filthy stain that would never wash away. She loathed herself...
Póéso looked as her sister turned her head. Something is definitely wrong. She’s sad and withdrawn. When the white man appears and shows kindness, she seems genuinely happy. Now ... she’s sad again. Póéso turned her head looking at the ceiling now, distracted by the pain in her arm and ankle. Her breaths came in short gasps, her entire chest throbbed in pain from her four broken ribs. Besides pain, she had another pain: hunger.
An hour after the white woman and the others left, Cassie knocked on the bedroom door and then entered. She held a tray with venison stew and corn bread and a cup of tea. She moved the water pitcher and bowl from the washing table, then set the tray down. She helped Póéso to a sitting position, propped her up with two pillows. She asked, “Do ya need me ta feed ya, or kin ya manage by yur self?”
Póéso shook her head and replied, “No, I eat.”
Cassie knew that Ma’hoena’s condition was different. Raising her to a sitting position would cause severe pain. Cassie said to her, “I can feed ya, but we gots ta prop ya up a little. Then, I kin feed ya. Okay?”
Ma’hoena nodded and answered “Uh huh.”
Cassie went to the other bedroom and grabbed two pillows. She returned and said to Ma’hoena, “Let me try ‘n lift ya a bit like Mr. Will do. Wanna try?”
Ma’hoena nodded with a smile.
Cassie positioned the pillows above her head then with a little grunt lifted Ma’hoena up enough to slide the two pillows under her. She then moved the tray over and started to feed her. While the girls ate, Póéso asked, “Where is white man?”
“You mean Mr. Will?” Cassie asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh, he be eatin’ dinner. After dinner he said he comin’ up ta do sumpin’ wit yur arm an’ ankle.”
“Oh ... Mr. Will his name?”
Cassie giggled, retorting, “Will. His name be Will, but he be the boss o’ dis ranch, so we’s respect him ‘n call him mister.”
Between bites, Ma’hoena asked, “Is Mr. Will nice good man?”
Cassie nodded vigorously replying, “Da best! He be the bestest man I ever did know! He treat ever’body fair ‘n square.”
The sisters gave each other a slight smile. When they were about finished, Cassie was looking back and forth between the sisters. Póéso looked at her and asked, “What wrong? Why you look at us that way?”
Cassie blushed and said, “You’s girls be the most purdiest girls I ever did see! I wish I was as purdy as you’s.”
Both sisters smiled, and Póéso replied, “You are pretty too. When you grow, become woman, you will be pretty too.”
Cassie turned six shades of pink. A minute later, Will and Sarah entered with a kettle of warm water, scissors and the remnants of a sheet. Smiling at the girls, he said, “Póéso, is ya ready ta fix up yur arm ‘n ankle? Once we’s git dis plaster on ‘n hardened, you be’s more comfy. An’ afta ma carpenter makes ya some crutches, ya should be’s up ‘n about inna week or so.”
Póéso smiled and nodded. Will propped her leg up with a pillow, he unwrapped her foot. He smiled saying, “Boy, you sure do got purdy feet.”
Póéso and Ma’hoena looked at each other puzzled. Póéso retorted, “Huh?”
“I said you got purdy feet. How ‘bout you, Ma’hoena?” She giggled and slipped her left foot from under the sheet. Will shook his head and quipped, “Yup! You got purdy feet too! Darn! Both ‘ya sisters be purdy as kin be from head ta toe!”
Póéso looked at her sister, smirked and snorted, “Crazy white man! Feet is feet.”
Will stopped wrapping Póéso’s ankle and said, “You’s girls been through hell ‘n back. I’s just joshin’ ya ta lift yur spirits some. Besides both ‘o ya be’s so much more purdy when ya smile.”
Póéso chuckled, looking at her sister then nodded and quipped, “See? He crazy white man!” All three laughed.
When it was time to address Póéso’s right arm he got serious. “Now, don’t move. I’s gonna wrap it ‘n plaster it. When it hardens, you be able ta use dat arm a mite. Would ya like dat?”
Póéso nodded and said, “Thank you.”
“Yur mighty welcome.”
When he had finished, he looked at each girl and patted each on the leg, he said, “If’n ya need sumpin’, jus holler.”
He quietly left them, shutting the door behind him.
Ma’hoena and Póéso looked at each other with a chuckle. Ma’hoena said in Cheyenne, “He makes my heart happy. He tries to take away our sorrow.”
Póéso nodded saying, “Yes, I also feel there might be kindness in him, but for how long? I will still watch.”
Ma’hoena replied, “Are you so bitter he doesn’t touch your heart?”
Póéso admitted, “He does. That’s what scares me. Go to sleep, it’s been a long day.”
Ma’hoena turned her head and within minutes had sunk back into herself.
It’s back ... the heavy fog in my head. I can’t shake it, no matter how hard I try. That night, that moment, it’s always there—lurking just beneath the surface—dragging me under when I least expect it. Why do I feel so broken? So stained? Damaged goods. That’s what I am now. No one could ever want me, not really, not after what happened.
He smiles at me like I’m made of light. Tender, patient. Like I’m not some cracked, broken thing. When he reaches to brush hair from my face, it doesn’t feel like a threat. It feels ... safe. For the first time in weeks, maybe months, I almost want to believe it can be this easy—this gentle.
But then the voice inside me rises, sharp as ever. He doesn’t know. He can’t know.
The next morning when the girls were eating breakfast, Will popped in to check on them. He entered as Cassie was feeding Ma’hoena. He gently rubbed her shoulder and asked, “How ya doin’? How’s the hip pain?”
Her eyes lit up with a smile then answered, “It only really hurt if I try to move.”
“Okay, if’n ya need anythin’ jus’ holler.”
He walked around the bed and gently sat next to Póéso’s hip. He gently tapped her ankle and arm casts. They felt hard. Will smiled telling her, “The plaster seems hard enough that ya kin move yur arm a little, jus’ don’t be’s overdoin’ it fur a couple days. The carpenter will be’s a comin’ in a spell. He will take some measurements ta make ya some crutches. Then ya be’s up ‘n round in a couple days. Sound good?”
“That be nice. Thank you.”
Over the next week, a pattern began to emerge. Unbeknownst to Ma’hoena, she wasn’t hiding her dual patterned behavior from either Póéso or Will. He was getting reports from Cassie and Sarah. Also, Will paid close attention to Póéso’s eye on her sister.
Mr. McKinley took his measurements and told Will he could have her crutches finished in about three days. Will instructed Sarah and Cassie to pay very close attention to facial expressions. He would visit them twice, sometimes three times a day depending on how busy he was with the ranch.
He could see both girls’ faces light up when he entered the room. He would chuckle to himself thinking of how Póéso would light up then quickly catch herself and return to her neutral look. But he could tell that she was beginning to like and expect his little touches to her hand, or shoulder. Once, he pulled a loose strand of hair from her face. And he could feel her melt a little to his touch.
He worried about Ma’hoena. She appeared to be deeply troubled by something. The one thing that Will was glad for was that he felt like he was having a positive effect on her.
Something else he needed to admit to himself was the fact that he was developing quickly deepening feelings for both girls.
Ma’hoena was trapped in her destructive dual cycle of self-loathing and longing for Will’s affection and approval. When alone with her sister, she would turn her head and sink into the depths of despair.
I look into his eyes and wonder how long it will be before he sees the truth. The scars no one else can see. The shame I carry like a second skin, heavy and suffocating. I’m damaged goods. Unworthy of a love like his.
I want to tell him, to scream it into the space between us. But even imagining the words makes my throat close tight. How could I explain? How do you say, “I carry a secret that’s bigger than me, that’s scared and raw and broken”?
He could never want me if he knew the truth. Our society holds chastity and purity as a girl’s precious gift to give her warrior. I’m only worthy of rejection...
Póéso, on several occasions wanted to tap her shoulder and confront her sister, but they had an understanding that they would be there for each other when needed. She was dealing with her own feelings for Will. She, like Ma’hoena, had never been treated with such open expressions of gentle tenderness, empathy and caring. Her tribe was very tacit about displays of affection. She never really missed what she didn’t have. Now, she was beginning to want it more and more, but the warrior in her, the ingrained hatred for the white man was shackling her from completely opening the door to let him in. Not only that. She feared if she did open up, the floodgates would open and she would not be able to restrain what was deep within her longing to get out.
As promised, three days after Mr. McKinley measured her, Will appeared with a smile holding Póéso’s crutches. She almost pulled the sheet off realizing she was naked from the waist down. Once she put on a buckskin shirt with Sarah’s help, Will was called back in to help her get started. She was shaky at first until she became familiar with the technique. She moved slow, but most importantly, she was now mobile. Will carried her downstairs, and she laid her head against his chest. They both seemed to feel the subtle electricity in the air. After setting her down he wanted to check on Ma’hoena. Will thought she looked a little teary-eyed when Póéso got out of bed. He gave Póéso a little rub on the back and said, “Okie dokie, make yur self at home” motioning her to go exploring.
Meanwhile, suddenly alone, Ma’hoena sank into her pit of despair... There’s this voice—whispering, accusing. You’re to blame. You asked for it. You’re ugly, worthless.
No. No, I try to shove those thoughts away, but they cling tighter than ever. I hate how loud it gets sometimes, like a storm raging inside and no shelter to be found. People around me keep moving, laughing, living, but I’m stuck in this endless loop of shame, replaying a moment that wasn’t my fault.
But it is. It has to be, doesn’t it? Because if it wasn’t, why would I feel so damn dirty? So unlovable?
I bite my lip until it bleeds to remind myself I’m still here. Still real. Still me. But the me in the mirror of my mind’s eye looks unfamiliar. Hollow eyes. Broken smile.
Ma’hoena looked over at the empty bed and saw Will’s hunting knife near the edge of the bed. Looking at the knife she thought, That may be my only choice for peace. Besides being discarded and reduced to soiled piece of trash. The horror of feeling what he put in me seep out of me and with it the evidence of my defilement...
Will opened the bedroom door to see Ma’hoena, her right outstretched arm reaching for the knife. She heard the door and quickly jerked her hand back. Will pretended he saw nothing. He smiled at her, went around the bed and laid down next to her, while laying on the knife. He feigned surprise, reached under himself and pulled out the knife. He held it up saying, “Is yur sister still sleepin’ wit dis thang?” He displayed it, turning it in his hand then set it on the nightstand.
He crossed his hands behind his head and said, “I figgered you might be a kinda lonely here all by yur lonesome.” He turned and came up on one elbow facing her. Will could see the distress on her face. He put his hand gently on her arm, and she withdrew with a flinch. She did not look at him.
“What be the trouble, Little One? What can I do to make you smile?”
I’m scared to reach out. What if he or Póéso see through me? See the scarred, shattered pieces beneath my skin?
Will gently put his hand under her chin turning her head to look at him. “What’s wrong, Ma’hoena? Please tell me. I’s here ta help ya, I care ‘bout ya. It hurts me ta see ya like dis.”
I need to divert him... “Will I ever walk again? My legs not moving. No feeling.”
“Dad gummit!” Will exclaimed, “now I’s feel terrible! Do you got sumpin’ on under da sheet?”
Ma’hoena shook her head, “No wear anything.”
Will arose, went to the door and called down for Sarah. When she appeared huffing and puffing, Will asked her, “Where be dos pantalettes?”
“Over in da drawer.”
She pulled a pair out and held them up. Will said, “Cut da legs off ‘bout here” pointing to mid thigh.
Sarah asked, “Whatcha gonna do?”
“Her legs goin’ numb ‘cause she ain’t movin’ ‘em. Gots ta exercise ‘em.”
“B-b-but da middle be open. Ya know. Fur a girl ta do her business.”
“Git ‘em on her, jus put a towel over her precious bits.”
Precious bits ... not any more, only a ghost of what was.
Will left the room while Sarah got Ma’hoena dressed and covered her groin with a hand towel.
Will returned and sat at the foot of the bed. He said gently, “I’s gonna start wit yur feet on ma leg, okay? Tell me if’n it be hurtin’ ya ‘n how much.” Ma’hoena nodded with an “Uh huh.”
Will started to gently manage her foot, moving it around to work her ankle. He massaged the ball of her little foot, and he could see the circulation coming back. Her tiny toes, like pink little pearls strung together in neat row. Will was rapt by how pretty these two sisters truly were. He then slowly worked the Achilles tendon then up to massage her calf. Ma’hoena closed her eyes and exhaled a soft “Mmmm, feel good.” Will moved to her thigh, gently rolling the muscle, then gently squeezing it.
Will set her leg back down on the bed. He moved to the other side of the bed and said “We gots ta be careful with this leg. Tell me if’n you got any pain at all.”
“Alright.”
He gently lifted her leg until it was about ten inches off the bed and she winced. He put a pillow under her calf, then knelt at the foot of the bed with his elbows on the bed and began massaging her left foot. He did not know why but surmised her hip injury might have restricted some blood flow because he needed to massage her foot more than the other before her toes turned a rosy pink. Will moved up and gently started working her calf muscle. Then very gently massaged her thigh. Not wanting to disturb her hip at all.
Ma’hoena zoned out from the massage. Will thought she went to sleep. He quietly rose, kissed her forehead and silently shut the door behind him. She lay wrapped in the warmth of his presence, every soft touch and quiet word of reassurance reminding her of a world she had never thought she’d be allowed to enter—a world where she was safe, cared for, and cherished without condition. His gentle hands massaging her legs without judgment, his voice steady and patient, as if she was nothing less than precious. Then the demon reared his ugly head... And yet, beneath the comfort he offered, fear gnawed at her, sharp and relentless. A secret, heavy and dark, lodged deep in her chest, warning her that this fragile tenderness could shatter the moment truth slipped free. She wanted to trust him, to believe his kindness could withstand the weight of what she carried, but shadows whispered that love this pure could not survive the stain of her past.
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