Chapter 4: Nadia’s Thoughts

Inside, Nadia’s mind was spinning. She’s always felt too boring, too awkward, too invisible. Men swipe right, ghost her, drift away. Part of her envies how certain Claire sounds — she’s just decided what she is. She is proud to be addicted to porn.

There’s no confusion. But Nadia can’t see herself like that. She wants something — romance, touch, a hand to hold. But she’s so bad at finding it that part of her wonders if maybe Claire is right: maybe it’s easier to just give up on people entirely. Can porn really provide the things that Claire is saying?

Nadia finally asks, “Are you happy? Like, really?”

Claire smiles, and for a second Nadia sees the dancing darkness behind her eyes — the flicker of someone who sleeps in a cave of flickering flesh and moans. A pervert. A deviant. Something more than human. But the smile is steady and wide and ... different. “Yeah. I am,” Claire said in a sultry voice.

Nadia nods slowly. Unblinking. A weight of slight anxiety. She’s processing. She thought she knew Claire ... All this time, she only knew what Claire was giving her. Not who she really ... was.

“I guess if it makes you happy ... I mean, you do you, right?” Nadia tries to sound normal. Supportive. They finished their dinner with an uneasy tension and small talk. Claire was able to get Nadia to crack a genuine smile. They said their goodbyes and parted ways. Claire hastily went back to her world of porn and Nadia took her time driving back to her empty apartment.

On her drive home, she thinks about her nights alone — her cold bed, her unopened Tinder chats. She wonders what it would feel like to choose the kind of self isolation Claire has found ... the feeling of leaning into it instead of fighting it.

She shakes it off, tries to tell herself she’s not like Claire. She wants to believe she still wants warmth, real touch, a partner who stays. But part of her wonders if that makes her weaker — if maybe she’s the lost one, drifting through life without the courage to commit to something. She really don’t have much passion for anything in her life.