Traces of Desire
Copyright© 2025 by Big Ed Magusson
Chapter 31
My muscles finally got the word that I wasn’t going to fight Kevin and fatigue raced through my body like a river. I still wanted to punch him right in his smarmy face, but the energy to do so? Fading fast. I was tired, and without the blood rushing in my ears, I could once again hear the music and the conversation around me. I was shaky and drained.
I looked at Lori. She gave me a tired smile back. Still, she smiled, which helped.
“What the heck was that about?” Carrie said.
I blinked. I hadn’t seen her come up. Her eyes were filled with—curiosity? Amusement?—whatever.
“He, uh, called Lori a—” I didn’t want to say it.
“Yeah,” Lori added. “He was rude and disgusting.” She and Carrie exchanged a look.
“Rude doesn’t cover it,” I scoffed.
“Really?” Carrie asked.
“Yeah,” I snapped. He doesn’t get to say those things to her.”
“Whoa!” Carrie held up her hands defensively “I agree, I agree. It’s just ... Kevin knows how to fight.”
“I can hold my own.” At least I was sure I could.
“No, I mean, Kevin takes karate. That’s how he knows Rusty.”
“Really?” A chill ran through me. I hadn’t picked up on that.
Lori nodded in agreement.
That ... started to sink in. A ripple of fear coursed through me before I squashed it like a cockroach.
Could I have taken him in a fight? Maybe. But it also got me thinking of Rusty. He could’ve. Thank God he was a decent guy. I’d lost track of him but then saw him standing by the side of the building watching the driveway. He was making sure Kevin actually left.
Len came over with the Angel and Devil trailing behind. He looked at Lori first and then at me.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“It is now,” Lori said.
“Cool.” He looked at me with ... respect? “You need a drink?” Then he turned to his sister. “You probably need one, too.”
“God, yes,” Lori said.
I nodded. I looked around and had no idea where ours had gotten to.
We headed over to the table with the hard liquor instead of going inside for wine coolers. Len mixed a Jack and Coke for Lori and then asked if I wanted one. I nodded, waited impatiently, and drained it way too fast.
Len tried to lighten the mood with some idle chitchat. We talked a little but my mind wasn’t on it. I kept thinking of Kevin and replaying every part of that confrontation.
Karate? Just how cliché was that? But maybe all Kevin’s practice with “wax on, wax off” could hurt me. I still would’ve fought him. Maybe I would’ve lost. Maybe I could’ve taken him. But he would’ve been a bloody mess even if he’d won. Of course, if he’d hurt me badly enough ... I shuddered. I didn’t really want to think about those consequences.
Lori looked at me, but her face was just as grim. We still nodded along with Len, as he was doing most of the talking.
Rusty came over. “You guys good?” he asked.
“Better,” Lori said. “Thanks.”
He nodded seriously but then smiled. “Well, it’s a party. Let’s get back to it!”
He excused himself and then one of Len’s new friends mentioned dancing. Len caught his cue and the three headed toward the barn.
Carrie had disappeared again. Lori gave me a poignant smile.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah ... but I’m not having fun anymore.”
I tensed. I didn’t like hearing that, but I understood. “You wanna leave?”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said. “What about Len and Liz?”
“Well, we don’t need to spoil their fun.”
“Yeah, but how are they going to get home?”
“Let’s ask.”
We headed over to the dance floor. Len was somehow managing to actually dance with both women at once to a Madonna song. When Lori caught his eye, he broke off dancing and they all walked over.
“We’re going to get out of here,” Lori said. “Do you want to come with us?” Her eyes flicked to the women. “Or do you want to find your own way home?”
“Nah, I’m having fun here.” He exchanged a silent look with the Devil. She smiled back and gave a slight nod. “Yeah, I’ll catch up with you later.”
“Okay.” Lori nodded.
We said our farewells and headed to the house, where we found Liz right where I expected her to be, right in the middle of the room with all the women, Liz and Wonder Woman—Terri, that was her name, Lori’s roommate—were laughing to something the woman dressed like Gatsby had said. They looked up, and Liz continued to smile.
“We’re leaving,” Lori said. “Do you wanna come or can you get a ride later?”
“We’ll give her a ride!” “We’ve got her!” “Stay, Liz!”
I couldn’t distinguish the voices, but it sounded like the entire room had answered at once. Liz looked around and her eyes widened in what had to be delight.
“I think...,” Liz said, “I’ll be okay.”
Lori stalked to her car. Despite being half a foot taller, I had to work to keep up with her stride. When we got to the car, she climbed into the driver’s seat before reaching across and unlocking my door. Then she slammed her door shut hard enough for me to jump. We were almost parked in, so I kept quiet as she grimaced and maneuvered her way out. Her mood didn’t change once we got onto the road. She gripped the steering wheel tightly and stared straight ahead, focused on the road.
I fidgeted, not quite knowing what to say. The more time passed, the more I was sure she was angry. Was it just Kevin? Was it maybe me, too? Or the whole party? The silence was unnerving.
My mind wouldn’t quit whirling. It was obvious Lori had slept with Kevin, but she also obviously regretted it. I wondered how she could’ve done it, but then Brenda popped into my head uninvited. I hadn’t realized how cold Brenda was until she kicked me out. Maybe Kevin had been the same kind of mistake. Or maybe worse.
I didn’t regret standing up to him, though. Maybe he would’ve kicked my ass. Maybe Lori would’ve hated me for it. But ... it had to be done. It just did.
I wasn’t getting anywhere in my thoughts so I looked over at Lori. She seemed to sense my gaze. She took a deep breath and gave me a quick sideways glance.
“I’m sorry. I’m still upset about Kevin,” she said.
“Okay.”
“I shouldn’t take it out on you.”
I shrugged, a bit relieved that her mood wasn’t me.
“He’s an asshole,” I muttered.
“You can say that again.”
“He’s an asshole!” I preached it like I was behind the pulpit.
She actually laughed. Her eyes returned to the road with a completely different feeling. I leaned back, feeling relieved and a little exhilarated at the mood change.
“Well...,” I said, “other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, I enjoyed the play, err, party.”
She chuckled.
“I liked your friends. Especially Rusty, but that kind of goes without saying.”
“Yeah. He’s a great guy.”
“Is he really a punk rocker?”
“Yeah, he really is.”
She told me a little more about him as she drove. He took English and studied Zen, of all things, besides karate. When she wound down, I snorted softly.
“Wow,” I said. “Rusty isn’t who I first thought he was.”
“Kevin wasn’t either,” she huffed.
He’s an asshole, I mentally repeated. But Lori must’ve sensed my thoughts because she grinned at me.
“Maybe none of us are,” I said. I was certainly beginning to wonder about myself. Was I really the conservative guy my parents saw? Or the open-minded friend that Len and Liz thought I was? The latter seemed closer to the truth these days.
“Yeah.” Lori sighed heavily. “Guys look at me and see one thing. But ... I don’t want to be just some guy’s fantasy.”
I stiffened. How much had I fantasized about her? How much had I seen her perfect breasts and not really tried to see the real her behind that?
I sank into my seat. Had I been screwing it up all along?
I still thought she was amazing, but ... I let out a deep breath.
“What?” she asked.
I considered shaking her off, or changing the subject, but...
No. Like Dad had taught, I needed to be honest. Maybe not blunt, but still...
I took a moment to order my thoughts.
“I ... I think if you love someone,” I said, “ ... or if you want to love them ... you have to love them for who they are. Not who you want them to be.”
I let out a long breath.
We’d reached a stop sign and Lori turned and looked at me squarely. I couldn’t read her expression. She pursed her lips and then started driving again.
I’d been about to say more, but her reaction shook me. I must’ve screwed up. I wasn’t quite sure how, but I was sure of it.
This night had not gone like I’d hoped. Not like I’d expected.
Mercifully, it’d be over soon.
We passed a few late trick-or-treaters as we entered the her parents’ neighborhood. They were true diehards given how many houses had turned off their porch lights. We arrived back at the her parents’ house to find it dark and empty. I figured Lori’s parents still had to be at their party, which I suppose was good. Maybe the evening didn’t have to end early after all.
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