Traces of Desire
Copyright© 2025 by Big Ed Magusson
Chapter 28
I sat quietly in the car as Liz navigated us down the winding mountain road back to Boulder. I had a hard time not rerunning and rerunning my thoughts. Part of me couldn’t believe she was gay—she was an attractive feminine woman. She didn’t have the short haircut or wore flannel like the stereotype. But I knew that was the stereotype, so ... she could be?
Liz kept her eyes on the curves in the road. Once we were out of the steeper parts, she visibly relaxed.
“So was the view good?” she asked.
“The view?” Oh, yeah. When Lori and I went on ahead. “Yeah, it was good.” There had been a spectacular view before we started kissing. Not that we’d spent much time looking at it.
She must’ve seen me grinning like a loon out of the corner of her eye because she smirked.
“Did you have a good time?” I asked.
“Yeah.” Her tone was flat though.
“The blister sucked.”
“Yeah.” She shrugged. “It happens.”
“Good thing Carrie had the moleskin.”
Liz tensed but then relaxed. “Yeah. But I’m sure Lori had some, too. Isn’t she an avid hiker?”
“Yeah. Not hardcore, though.”
We chatted more about hiking until we got back to Boulder just before dinner. On the walk from the parking lot to the dorm, I suggested, “Want to drop off your stuff and go eat?”
“Sure. That’d be fine. Meet you there.”
Then I headed up to my room. Part of me expected a rubber band on the knob, because, well, this was Len, but I didn’t find one. Instead, he was in the room by himself watching a movie. I saw enough of it to realize it was Serpico. I grimaced. I didn’t care for that one at all.
“So how’d it go?” he asked. “Did you have fun?”
I hung my windbreaker up. “Yeah.” My mind immediately flashed to kissing Lori and I grinned. “Oh, we had a great time.”
“How about Liz? Did she and Carrie hit it off?”
I furrowed my brow. Why was that his first question? He hadn’t asked about Lori, and she was his sister!
“I think so,” I answered. “I mean, they seemed to get along okay.”
“Ah. Okay.”
“Well, Carrie did invite Liz to a Halloween party.”
“Oh?” Len perked up. “A party?”
“Yeah, um ... Rusty’s party? I think that’s what they said.”
“Rusty’s?” He replied eagerly. “Lori was going to pick me up, but if you guys are going, can I bum a ride?”
“Um, ask Liz,” I said. “I’m going to meet her for dinner.”
“Cool. I’ll do that.” He turned the movie off. “And I’ll talk to my parents. Lori and I were gonna crash there instead of her place. I’m sure you and Liz could, too.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah. We don’t want to be driving back late with all the drunks out.” He stood and motioned toward the door and dinner with Liz.
“Good idea.” It was definitely a good idea. Overnight in a house with Lori? That was a win!
Liz was happy to give Len a ride the the Halloween party and she liked the idea of not driving back that night. She asked a few other questions—apparently Rusty’s extended family owned this big ranch house west of Fort Collins that he got to use a few weeks every year. There would be plenty of people—”of all types,” Len said—and a fair amount of alcohol, but it never got out of hand. It honestly sounded fun.
We ended up having an impromptu movie night. The guys I played hacky sack with came, and they enjoyed Key Largo more than I’d expected.
Then that night, I lay in bed, my mind awash with thoughts and memories. A lot were about Lori. The hike had been a lot of fun. And kissing her—
I sighed. Yeah, Len was right. I had it bad.
But I also thought a lot about Liz. Some things I still didn’t understand, like the flashing, but I realized I wasn’t going to understand it without talking to her more. But if I was right and she was gay, then the reason she’d shot me down had nothing to do with me.
That was kind of comforting, but ... if she was a lesbian ... yeah, that was the right term, then ... wow!
That said, it wasn’t like I’d known any gays or lesbians growing up. Well, maybe I had. I thought of one flamboyant guy from school who everyone said was gay, but that was behind his back. I didn’t know anyone who was out.
Well, I still didn’t. Not really. Liz wasn’t out. Even if I was right.
Part of me really wanted to know if she was. But it wasn’t my business. I warred back and forth. Was she? If so, what was that like? Especially, you know, two women together. That was so hot to think about...
But two guys together? I shuddered at the thought. I was definitely not gay. I mean, how could anyone not love tits?
I tried to imagine Liz kissing Carrie. That thought was hot, but then I felt chastised myself. It hadn’t happened and wasn’t going to happen. And if it did, it really wasn’t my business.
Besides, I wasn’t sure I was right. Although ... I was pretty sure Len had come to that same conclusion. About Liz. Maybe she’d told him, I didn’t know. And Lori obviously knew. Carrie probably did as well. She was the blind date, after all. Assuming I was right.
It took a long time to fall asleep.
I got back from D&D to an empty room and a blinking light on the answering machine. I hovered a finger over the stop button in case the message was for Len.
“Hey, Mike, this is Ann. I ... uh ... I know we haven’t talked in a while. I’ve ... I’ve uh, been busy. I met this great group of people. They’re really nice, and they’re really supportive. I think you’d like them. Anyway, we get together Friday night in Duane Physics. The big lecture hall, you know? I think you’d really like it. So maybe you could, uh ... join us? I’d love to see you ... anyway. Bye.”
I stood and stared at the answering machine. I’d seen the signs around campus. She was talking about Campus Crusade. There was no way I was going to join Campus Crusade. Even if my mother threatened to disown me. No. No how, no way.
And Ann ... I sighed. She’d always gone to church, but hadn’t been really militant about it. And now ... Campus Crusade?
I could already hear my mom’s voice urging me to go. But there was no way, absolutely no way I was going to Duane Physics on a Friday night.
I didn’t even want to call Ann back.
Which sat badly in my gut. She’d been my friend. A good friend. And it sounded like she’d gotten past all that stuff from earlier in the year when I rejected her.
Maybe Ann and I could stay friends. But no way could I go to Campus Crusade.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to tell Ann that. And I owed her at least a return phone call. I owed her that much.
I dithered for several minutes. Part of me wanted to put off calling her until tomorrow, but I knew myself. I’d be better off if I got it over with.
Finally, I picked up the phone.
And of course, the key turned in the lock right then. I waited until Len walked in. He paused and looked from me to the phone and back again.
“Should I come back?” he asked.
“Nah,” I said, “it’ll be short.” My chest relaxed because with Len there, it’d have to be short. I could tell Ann my roommate wanted to go to dinner. Judging from the clock, he probably did, so it wouldn’t be a lie.
Len nodded and sat in his chair to wait.
I dialed Ann’s number while holding my breath...
... and got her answering machine.
“Hey, Ann,” I said. “It’s, uh ... Mike. I got your message. Glad you found some nice people to hang out with! It sounds good. Yeah, it really sounds good. Anyway ... Fridays. Yeah, Fridays just don’t work for me. Sorry. But, uh, maybe we could have coffee sometime?” I winced. Had I really wanted to suggest that? “So, um, thanks for thinking of me. We’ll talk later. Bye.”
I hung up and was actually sweating.
“What was that about?” Len asked.
“Ann. You remember Ann, right?”
“The drunk one from Joey’s party? That tried to seduce you?”
“Yeah. She invited me to go to Campus Crusade with her.”
He snorted. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“You dodged a bullet there.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. “No, I think you’re right.”
He didn’t quite manage to not smirk triumphantly.
Len and I came down to breakfast on Monday morning to find Sandy sitting with Liz. Sandy actually waved us over, which surprised me because I was sure she’d seen Len. Then I realized she had and really was gesturing to both of us.
Len paused. Not much, but enough for me to notice.
“What do you think?” I asked quietly.
“Might as well,” he said under his breath.
We walked over and sat down with our trays.
“Hey,” Len said. “How are you doing?”
I blinked. His tone was flat without any of its usual charm.
“Wonderful!” Sandy replied. “Greg is so amazing!”
It took me a moment to realize she was referring to her frat boy boyfriend.
“Really?” Len said.
“Yeah, he’s such a great guy, and we’re so in love. He’s really great!”
“So great she can’t stop talking about him,” Liz jabbed.
“You’re just jealous,” Sandy shot back.
“Not of Greg.”
Sandy sniffed. “Not my fault you have such bad luck with men.”
Len stifled a grin. Liz shot him a dirty look, which Sandy didn’t notice.
“So,” she said. “We’re having this fundraiser for charity. It’s a dance-a-thon. And I was wondering—would you guys sponsor me?”
Len breathed a sigh of relief. Meanwhile, my gut tightened given how broke I was. How could I politely say no?
“I’ll give you twenty bucks,” Len said. “Total.”
“Twenty? Wow!” She bounced excitedly in her seat. “Per dance, that’s, um...”
“You don’t need to calculate it,” he demurred. He reached for his wallet.
She looked expectantly at me.
“Uh...”
“Oh, hey Mike,” Len said. “I’ve got that twenty dollars I owe you. How about I give it to Sandy?”
I blinked. “Uh ... sure.” He didn’t owe me anything, but I knew enough to play along.
He handed her forty dollars and her eyes lit up.
“Thank you! Both of you!”
We nodded.
“Um...” She looked pointedly at her near-empty tray. “I need to get going or I’m going to be late.”
“Enjoy the fundraiser,” Len said.
Sandy stood and made her farewells.
Once she was out of sight, Liz turned to us.
“So why are you giving her twenty dollars?” Liz asked. “Well, forty.”
My face heated. Liz had caught on to the exchange even if Sandy hadn’t.
“Because,” he said, “some day she’s going to talk about me. This makes it harder for her to only say bad things.”
“Clever,” Liz said. “Very clever. Worth the money.”
I had to agree.