Traces of Desire
Copyright© 2025 by Big Ed Magusson
Chapter 1
I leaned my head against the hard window of the Suburban as the Springs faded behind us. I closed my eyes and suppressed a sigh. Not that I was going to miss the Springs. Not really. Besides, I’d be home often enough. It was just, well, something familiar. Unlike where I was going.
The warm car made me sleepy, but I knew I wouldn’t actually sleep. My mind was too busy, too chaotic. Home. College. Everything.
Dad chortled to something the talk radio hosts said. I didn’t quite catch it. Something about Reagan’s greatness.
“See, Carolyn? See?” Dad said.
“I do, I do,” Mom echoed.
“You see, Mike?” He called back.
I cracked my eyes open. Next to me, Michelle raised her book up to her face, like a shield to block our parents out. It wasn’t fair that she could read in the car and not get sick.
“You see, Mike?” Dad repeated. “We were talking about it the other day.”
“Sorry.” I sat up straight. “Wasn’t listening.”
Dad grumbled but then proceeded to repeat whatever he’d just heard. I didn’t listen the second time. Dad was a good man. He worked hard and took care of us. But his politics?
Let’s say we didn’t see eye to eye. For one, I really couldn’t take it as seriously as he did. For another, Reagan had his flaws, even if Dad didn’t see them. The political discussions were one thing I was ready to be away from.
Maybe the liberal bastion of Boulder would be good for me.
I snorted softly. Andrea had said the same thing our last time together...
“Boulder will be good for you,” Andrea said.
I stiffened, not quite ready to have the argument once again. She sensed my tenseness and snuggled into my side. Her thick brown hair fell into my face until she brushed it back.
I squeezed her tight as I took a deep breath.
We both ignored the movie we’d started on the VCR.
I didn’t want to have the argument, but I couldn’t help myself.
“We can make it work,” I urged. “California isn’t that far away.”
“It’s far enough,” she said quietly.
“But Thanksgiving and Christmas—”
“We’ve talked about that.”
I dramatically sighed. Yeah, it made more sense for her parents to visit her for the holidays, since that’s where her extended family was anyway, but I didn’t like it. Shouldn’t people who loved each other be together?
“If only you’d gotten in...”
That stabbed my gut. I’d honestly thought I’d had a shot at USC...
“You’ll be fine in Boulder.”
“But we love each other.”
“Mmm.”
That ... wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
The door from upstairs opened. We stiffened, but Andrea’s mom didn’t come down.
“Andrea,” she called. “I’m going to the store. I’ll be back before your movie’s done.”
“Thanks, Mom!”
The door shut and Andrea stirred in my arms.
I gestured at the screen. “Do we want to keep watching? We know how it ends, and...”
“And?”
“And I’ve got a condom.”
“Oh.”
“We do love each other...”
I held my breath, waiting for her to agree.
Instead of saying anything, she swiveled in my arms to look into my face. Her eyes were sad, probably mirroring mine, but she forced a smile.
“Okay.”
Dad coughed, loud and long. A lung cough with all the associated hoarseness. It broke me out of my daydream. I cringed but said nothing. What was there to say that the doctor already hadn’t?
“Oh, Frank,” Mom chided.
“I’m fine,” he gruffed.
She sniffed in disagreement.
Michelle rolled her eyes at the old argument, but her book still blocked Mom and Dad from seeing her. I did my best to keep my face neutral, in case either Mom or Dad looked back.
Mom didn’t quite change the subject. “So, I was talking with Reverend Phelps about the power of prayer. Well, he told me about this man in Wichita. He had cancer, and the doctors couldn’t do anything. So his whole church prayed for him. And he was completely cured!”
“That’s nice,” Dad said.
“It really was a miracle,” Mom said. “Even the doctors said so.”
“They did, did they?”
“Yes, they did. So maybe Sunday...?”
Dad tensed, but then slowly nodded.
“We’ll all pray together.” Mom twisted around. “And Michael, you can pray for your father Sunday, too.”
I grimaced. Mom’s newfound religious fervor since Grandma and Grandpa died annoyed us all. We tolerated it, mostly. For her.
“You do remember the church’s address, don’t you dear?”
In fact, I did not. I had zero intention of going to church. Not that I was going to tell my mother that unless I absolutely had to.
“Exactly which Boulder hippie church was that?” Michelle needled.
Mom huffed.
“The whole town’s a bunch of hippies,” Dad sourly agreed.
Mom sighed. “I just don’t know why—”
Dad cut her off. “We talked about this, Carolyn. It’s the best school in the state.”
“But—”
“He’ll be fine. Mike’s a good kid.”
“Yes, but the temptations...”
“He’s a good kid,” Dad repeated. “Boulder won’t corrupt him.”
Behind her book, Michelle and I shared an amused look. I wasn’t worried about temptation. I’d already faced it and done just fine. Even if it had pissed off Kelly at the time...
“What the fuck, Mike?”
Kelly glared at me, his hands on his hips. It didn’t help that the neon lights behind him cast his face in darkness but gave his hair a demonic red glow.
I had to force myself to breathe.
“What. The. Fuck?”
“I ... I just don’t—”
“It’s a strip club, Mike! Naked women! Shaking their tits!”
“I know! I wanna, but Andrea—”
“Andrea’s not here! And besides, it’s not like you’d be cheating on her!”
“Still. I don’t—”
“God!” He stamped his foot and stormed off. Fortunately, he only went a few feet. The club’s parking lot wasn’t that big anyway.