Chapter 8: Rain

That night I had trouble sleeping. Too much on my mind.

Something surged inside me, something primal that made my chest swell and made me want to grab Rolf and hold on to him forever. I closed my eyes and pushed the feelings away.

“There is no room in my heart for love now,” I told myself, “no room for Rolf. I’m being selfish, I am hurting him. I shouldn’t have stayed so much.”

The thought of leaving made me sad.

Living here with Rolf represented all the things I couldn’t have: a man who adored me, a house with a white fence, a small town full of nice and warm people, friends, a future...

Even so, I couldn’t stay here anymore. I didn’t have the luxury to dream of a future.

I had to walk away from Middletown before I couldn’t do it anymore. I could feel my resolve weaken with every passing minute.

I carefully got out of bed and went out for a walk. My phone chimed, and I looked at the screen. It was a text from Lukas.

“Gutten abend, liebe Rain. I hope everything is okay with you and Rolf. I really didn’t mean to cause any trouble between you two.”

“Yes, everything is okay, Lukas. Can you pick me up tomorrow?”

“Sure. Where are we going?”

I hesitated for a moment, and then typed, “To have myself checked.”

“Did Rolf do something do to you?”

“No, of course not! He is a very sweet person. I just—I need to go.”

“What changed? Did you fall out of love with this Rolf guy?”

It would have been easy to answer ‘yes’, but I didn’t want to say more lies, so I typed, “No.”

“So I was right. You’re in love with him?”

“You’re so annoying!”

“You love him, and even so you’re leaving him,” Lukas insisted.

I looked at the screen for a while.

“You know why. I can let him fall for me.”

Another text chimed in.

“Does he know why you are leaving him?”

“No. He’ll never know. It will kill him.”

“You truly care about this guy.”

“Yes, I do. That’s why I have to leave before our relationship gets too serious, and he ends with a broken heart.”

“I think it’s too late for that. I saw the love in his eyes, and I think in yours too. I am not sure running away is a good idea. Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes. This is what I want. Are you going to help me or not?”

“You know I’ll do. But if Rolf loves you like I think he does, he won’t care.”

“I know. That’s why I have to leave. I can’t drag Rolf into what is certain to be months of pain and misery. I can’t.”

“I think you’re making a big mistake. I’ll pick you up tomorrow, though. Just text me when you are ready.”

I went back to Rolf’s place and climbed into our bed. I was lucky he was a heavy sleeper. I wrapped my arms around him and let the tears stream until exhaustion finally won, and I fell asleep.

The next morning, Rolf woke up and got ready to drive to Seattle again. I couldn’t help but think that this was going to be our last time together.

I was going to miss him.

Rolf opened his mouth a few times, testing the words before he spoke. “I-I’m sorry if you thought I was angry at you. I’m not. I had no right to act like I did.”

I looked at him, a reassuring smile on my face

“We talked and sorted things out. We are good, Rolf.”

He moved closer, his eyes roaming over my face as if he was seeing me for the first time, searching for something in my features.

“You have this light inside you like you’ve swallowed the sun or a whole star or something. You’re so happy and alive. I became addicted to you.”

I touched his face, a spark running through my body from the warmth of his skin as I cupped his jaw. “We’re all alive. We all have light inside us. We’re all living, breathing people who are lucky enough to be alive, right now, on this planet floating through space. Pretty amazing if you think about it.”

He moved his head up and down. “You look at the world with a child’s eyes. One of your many charms.”

“Now you’re sweet-talking me,” I said, while I playfully punched his arm.

“I want to kiss you.” His words, which tumbled in a low growl from his lips, stunned me. I could see by the way his eyes rounded that he’d surprised himself, as well.