Chapter 12: Rain

It was Rolf’s voice. I didn’t realize I needed to hear his voice so badly.

“Rolf! OMG, it’s you! It’s really you! How did you know...?”

“Lukas told me about your condition,” he interrupted. “Please don’t be mad at him. He meant well.”

I wasn’t mad at Lukas. I was mad at myself for being a coward and not telling Rolf the truth.

“I-I’m sorry ... I know I shouldn’t have left as I did. I was thinking about you and how unfair it was for you ... and I ... ran away. It was a shitty thing to do.”

Rolf came to my side and squeezed my hand. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. The past is in the past. I am here with you now.”

“How long are you planning on staying here?”

“For as long as it takes.”

I couldn’t hold it any longer and all the fear, all the frustration, all the turmoil I had lived through the past days finally caught up with me and I lost it. I was too tired to even try to get a grip on my emotions.

There was no stopping the inevitable. Tears escaped, flowing slowly and steadily for several minutes before giving way to huge, soul-wracking sobs.

Rolf stood there, holding my hand and rubbing my neck with his other hand.

He didn’t say anything. Just sat down and held my hand.

He stayed in the chemo room along with me. It was a blessing having him here. His eyes kept darting to the chemo drip hanging from the IV pole beside me.

I wondered what was going through his mind.

Was it too much to hope that maybe, just maybe, he could look past cancer and see me?

“Does it hurt?” he asked, pointing at the IV with his chin.

“Not really. I feel a slight burning as the chemo drugs enter my veins. The after-effects are the problem.”

He just nodded, concerned.

“Lukas rented an apartment for me to stay.”

“He cares about you an awful lot.”

“He does. Lukas is a good friend, Rolf. Just a friend, nothing else. He is happily married.”

“I know. He told me when he called me to inform me what was going on with you.” He held my hand to his cheek and kissed it. “Why did you have to leave like that? Why didn’t you tell me you had cancer? Why didn’t you trust me?”

His expression told me everything I needed to know. How much he loved me. How much he had missed me.

“I thought it would be easier for you that way. It wasn’t a matter of trust, I was also in denial. I just wanted a normal life.”

Rolf nodded slowly. I gave him a moment to let my explanation sink in.

When he spoke, I could feel the anguish in his voice. “Do you have any idea what went through my mind when you just vanished?”

“Knowing the reason why we didn’t have a future was going to hurt you more. It made sense in my mind, at that moment.”

“Why did you tell Lukas and not me?”

“Because Lukas already knew. This isn’t the first time. When they discovered I had leukemia, I was staying with him and his family. They took care of me till I was cancer-free. Lukas has been checking on me since then.”

“How long have you had it?”

“I was diagnosed around two years ago. I had chemo for almost six months, and I went into remission, so my white cell count was back to normal. Sadly, now it’s back.”

I should have told him. He should have found out from me.

“How can you be so calm?” he asked, confused.

“I am calm because I accept what it is. At least, most of the time,” I gave him a tired smile. “I’ve tried crying, screaming, throwing things, avoiding people. It is what it is. I didn’t choose to have cancer, but it happened. Then, I decided to live my life to the fullest. Time is a rare commodity, I want to enjoy every single second of it.”

“When I come to die I don’t want to discover that I haven’t lived,” Rolf said, quoting Thoreau. He didn’t cease to amaze me.