Chapter 10: Rain

The expression on Doctor Jackson Brown’s face said it all. Now I was certain cancer had forced its way back into my life.

I sat back against the chair in his office, nervously touching my hair. I rubbed my nose, inhaling the scent of Rolf’s shampoo. I missed him. Wish he was here.

“I’m sorry, Lorraine.” His voice was low. I heard him take a deep breath as if he were struggling with what to say next. “Your lab work came back.” Doctor Brown’s eyes fixed on me then shifted to Lukas. “The white blood cell count is twenty-two thousand.”

Yep, my real name is Lorraine Williams. I always hated it.

“Please doctor, you know I prefer to be called Rain.

“I knew it! I knew it! Shit! My cancer is back!”

I couldn’t breathe. My chest stilled, and I felt like I was going to pass out.

I reached for the box of tissues on the end table and blew my nose. I stared blankly at my feet. Almost two years. That’s it. Nineteen measly months and twenty-nine fucking days of remission, and now it was back.

Doctor Brown was a lovely man, but he pulled no punches. After finishing eleven grueling months of treatment, he told me my cancer would probably come back.

I was hoping he would be wrong, but that hope was already shattered.

Somehow, even though the recurrence wasn’t anything I wasn’t expecting, it was still as jarring as the first time around. After everything that I went through, I had earned these months of normalcy. A time to build my body back up, to feel a sense of what my life was like before. Because I loved my life before. I still love my life now, it’s just ... different.

I wasn’t sure if my body could handle another set of rounds of chemo. Could I mentally withstand the emotional turmoil that goes with it ... again?

What seemed like hours passed before anyone spoke.

“What options do we have this time?” Lukas asked, his voice cracking.

That’s when the room came sharply back into focus.

I lifted my eyes to Dr. Brown. His gaze drifted to his desk. He removed his glasses and laid them on top of my file.

“Leukemia has come back and we need to treat you aggressively this time, more aggressively than we had before. Your best chance is a bone marrow transplant, you’re still on the transplant list, waiting for a match. In the meantime, we’ll use chemo.”

Lukas’ family was quite well off, and they’d spent thousands on treatments for me, even traveling the world searching for a compatible bone marrow donor to no avail.

I nodded, not knowing what to say. The lump in my throat made it hard to breathe. I’d heard this spiel before, but it didn’t get any easier. Sitting up higher in my seat, I put on my brave face.

Lukas discussed my options with Doctor Brown. I’d tried to take in all the information, but my mind kept hanging up on keywords and phrases.

The doctor and Lukas were going on about drug trials

I had a sixty-five percent chance of surviving. Lukas had released a huge sigh of relief when the doctor shared that bit of information. I had forced myself to smile while wondering about the other thirty-five percent. Had those women been grateful to hear the odds too, not knowing at the time they stood on the wrong side of the statistic?

My hair has finally grown back and hung almost to my shoulders. I didn’t want to wake up every morning to chunks of it on my pillow. What good is clean hair when it’s clogging the drain in the shower? Soon it will be gone. Every ... last ... strand.

“When do I start treatment?” I asked, tucking my hair behind my ears. My focus stayed on Doctor Brown. If I so much as glanced over at Lukas, I’d break down. And I couldn’t do that.

“Monday.”

I closed my eyes and fought the oncoming tears. Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t an option. Yeah, I had cancer, nothing I could do about it besides accept the fact.

But that nagging voice in the back of my head kept pushing. I felt fine. Maybe there was a mix-up at the lab. Could the numbers be wrong? Why me? Why again? How could I feel so good, but have cancer ravaging my body?

I swiped the tears from my cheeks. I’d just started to have a life. And now, I was back to being an outcast. Life sucked.

Lukas took me out for dinner. He sat quietly and reserved. His eyes were puffy and red. He didn’t throw any chairs at Doctor Brown’s office this time, a good sign that he was taking this lapse better than the last one. I hated the stress my disease caused. I tried so hard to be strong, to be positive. But it was too much, and I was tired of fighting.

Neither of us ate much. Our appetites had disappeared with the test results

“So what about this guy, Rolf?”

“What about him?”

“You just disappeared on him. If the guy cares for you as I think he does, he won’t let it go.”

“The last thing I need is Rolf feeling sorry for me and staying with me out of pity,” I let out a long exasperated sigh. “I can’t deal with this right now, Lukas. Don’t you think I have already too much on my plate?”

He nodded. “Sorry.”

The mental image of Rolf, sitting alone in the living room, reading my note, made my heart shrink.

Not that I was seriously considering a future with him. What future can you offer when you’re not certain you actually have one? Better cry now for a girl who left him, than cry later for a girl who died of cancer.

“No, I am not giving up,” I said to myself.

Lukas drove me in silence to an apartment he’d rented for me, which suited me well.

When I left the center the first time I was here, I told myself, “It’s not fair. I don’t want to stop living my life that way I want to. I won’t let cancer steal my joy. I plan to keep enjoying every second of my life.”

I knew that it was a temporary state, but that almost made it more beautiful. I slurped up every second of it.

Now that the time was over, I wanted more. I still had so many things to do, so many places to visit.

The weekend moved slower than a funeral procession, sorry, bad joke.

I let Lukas take me out to a restaurant again. I’d be puking my guts out soon enough, so I figured I might as well enjoy as many good meals as I could.

Soon, I’d be back to being ‘the bald girl with cancer.’ I hated it.

On Monday, Lukas drove me to the center and told me that he was planning to fly back to Austria the next day.

I completely understood. He had a family, a business, and responsibilities. He had been already kind enough with me. I couldn’t ask for more.

“Hi, Rain, I am Julia,” the nurse said, as I walked into the hospital room Monday morning. I was on a first-name basis with all the nurses and staff members on the floor. They still remembered me. I am pretty sure Lukas tipped all of them.

“I remember you. You have two kids, and your husband is a firefighter, right?”

“Yes, that’s me. I hoped I’d never see you in here again, darling.”

“That makes two of us.” I sat down on the reclining bed.

I squeezed my eyes closed, as Julia rubbed alcohol on my hand before inserting the IV. Watching made my stomach crawl. Feeling the needle go in felt bad enough, seeing it just reminded me how real it all was. The central line, my first of many visual reminders, would soon be attached to my chest.

In my mind, I was back in Middletown. Everything was more vibrant, more beautiful. All of the colors so magnificently blended together, yet still their own hues and shades.

“All done,” Julia announced, bringing me back to reality. “Doctor Brown will be here in a few minutes. I’m sure you don’t, but I have to ask, do you have any questions?”