Chapter 6

We resumed our friendship where we left off. At first, we didn’t move out of the friend zone. I wasn’t quite ready to admit the depth of my feelings for Kat.

Although we never were officially in a relationship, the closeness we developed felt securely cemented. We did everything couples usually do, except that neither of us considered we were dating.

Senior year arrived sooner than any of us had anticipated, and thoughts turned to graduating school, and me going to college.

Dad and I were as close as ever. He was still my hero. He taught me to be a man of my word. He usually kept his nose out of my life and I returned the favor.

So I was surprised when he said to me, “They say you and the Davies girl are going out together, Red.”

“It’s not like that, Dad. We’re not dating.”

“Treat her well, son. She’s had a hard life already.”

“We’re just friends, Dad.”

“Then be a good friend to her.”

Kat started to spend most of her time on our farm. After classes, she used to come home with me. She taught me to dance and I became pretty good at it.

We went to the movies. We went dancing. We went hiking. We walked hand in hand in the woods. We laughed. We hugged and one day we kissed at the willow tree.

One thing led to another and, once we both were eighteen, we were also our firsts. After that, I worried she was going to consider me her boyfriend or something and tried to keep my distance. I didn’t want to get emotionally closer because I didn’t want to end with a broken heart like my dad. She saw through my concerns and came up with a proposal I never expected.

“Have you heard about friends with benefits, Red?”

“I heard something about it, yes.”

“Friends with benefits are two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved or give any kind of commitment. We have sex, but there are no feelings involved. If we stopped having sex, we’d still be friends.”

Of course, we were both fooling ourselves. Each had strong feelings for the other. Deep feelings. But, for different reasons, we were both afraid of them.

I think Kat didn’t want to drag me into her crazy family situation. On the other hand, I was going away to college soon; it wasn’t the best moment to start a committed relationship.

I wasn’t ready to completely open up my heart to any girl, Kat included. I was comfortable with the “friends” label while I enjoyed the benefits. I was afraid to take the risk of loving someone only to get hurt.

Of course, we went to the prom dance together. We ended up at the old willow tree watching the sunrise together. I could sense Kat had something on her mind.

She took a deep breath and said, “I love you, Red.”

“Kat...” she put her hand on my lips to stop me.

“Let me say what I need to say, please.” I nodded. “You’re leaving for college soon. We only have weeks left, and the last thing I want is that you leave with me hanging over your head.”

I opened my mouth again but she shook her head.

“I won’t be able to handle being in a relationship with you while you are away. I’ll hardly see you.” she sobbed.

I pulled her into my arms and held her tight. We rocked back and forth in silence till the sun was up.

“I love you, Red, but we both know our relationship has no future.”

“Are we breaking up?” I asked, stupidly.

“We are friends, remember? Friends never break up.”

“Right,” I muttered, unable to say anything else. Even so, it hurt like a break-up.

Leaving home to go to college meant leaving Dad alone. I thought about changing to a nearer one, but Dad didn’t want to hear anything about it.

“I’m not a baby, so stop treating me like one. I can take care of myself. You’re on the brink of adulthood. You are a strong, intelligent, and independent person. I’m proud of you, Red. So proud of you that I’m willing to understand if you change majors or take a different path in life than me. However, I’m not very understanding of skipped classes or failing grades.”

“I won’t, Dad. I never did and I’m not planning to start now. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or let me know that you just need me,” I told him.

“I’m not going to miss your heaps of laundry left in all the wrong places. Please remember to bring some dirty clothes home when you visit,” He joked.

I went to college and hung in there because Dad encouraged me and emphasized the importance of education. My plan was to get a degree in business administration.

Kat and I exchanged some emails or talked through Whatsapp during my first months in college. Not many details. Lots of ‘miss you’, ‘wish you were here’ and so on.

Every time I asked her how she was doing, she responded with a vague ‘I’m doing okay’. At some point the emails stopped. I tried to reach her on her phone but a voice informed me that the number was no longer in service.

I imagined she hadn’t texted or called because she didn’t know how to tell me whatever we had was over. Probably she had found a new friend with benefits or a boyfriend and wasn’t interested in me anymore. So I stopped trying to reach her.