Chapter 13

On my side, I had a long talk with my father about my intention to look for my mother. She was something we simply never talked about. It was as if she never existed. The prospect of reconnecting with her was more terrifying than appealing. I had no idea how I would integrate her into my life, a life that did not include her, that a life that was very much built on her absence.

Dad neither encouraged me nor discouraged me.

“Red, the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother was always your choice.” He said after I explained my plans to him. “I didn’t say anything when you decided to give her the silent treatment, and I won’t say anything now if you decide to reconnect with her. If seeking her out is something you feel you need to do, then you have my blessing. Just keep her out of my way.”

However, finding my mother proved to be harder than expected. The only email address I had was closed. Her phone number was no longer in service. My letters were returned, stamped ‘no such person, address unknown’.

I decided to look her up on the internet. There were no social media accounts in her name.

Finally, I gave up and hired a P.I. to find her. A week later, he informed me that she was living in a town 100 miles away from Middletown. The report included an address and a phone number.

So, with a heavy heart and trembling stomach, I finally worked up the nerve to call a woman whose absence from my life had affected me so badly. I was surprised by how easily I still recognized the sound of her voice. At first, she couldn’t believe it was really me who was calling. My voice and my hands were shaking. Then, when she realized it was really me, and that I wanted to see her, the waterworks started. When she calmed down, after the usual pleasantries, we settled on a day that I would come to see her.

On the day of the meeting I went through my closet. What do you wear when you haven’t seen your mother in more than 10 years?

Kat and Tony wished me luck. They both offered to come with me, but this was something I had to do alone. Things between Kat and I were much better. Her therapy sessions were slowly starting to make a change in her. We started to walk to the old willow tree holding hands every day. Some days we talked non-stop. Some days we just held each other in silence.

When my mother answered the door, I thought she had changed a lot. She looked thin and pale. Her skin looked sallow and sick.

I stood there a moment, uncertain. I wasn’t sure what I’d been hoping for when I’d come here. I finally found my voice.

“Hello, mother. You look...” I was going to say ‘good’, but it was obviously a lie, so I said the first word that came to my mind, “ ... thin.”

“Well, having cancer does wonders for your figure.” She replied with a sad smile.

I was stunned. There was an awkward silence as I stood there in disbelief.

“I’m sorry ... I didn’t mean...”

She waved my words aside.

“You look very handsome, Red. Please come in. I made tea and chocolate cake.”