Chapter 9: Ernie

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. But what happens when that trust is broken?

I still had an army of defense mechanisms up when it came to my alcoholic wife. I knew that if we had a chance to make it, I had to fight through all my defenses.

“Don’t beat yourself up, Ernie. You’re not an idiot for being deceived. It happened to the best of us,” Marshall told me, at our next Al-Anon meeting.

Several guys agreed with him.

“We can easily be deceived by the people closest to us. We are not looking for them to be lying or hiding things from us, unless it happened in the past.”

“Well, it happened, and now I am aware that she is an alcoholic and she lied to me about it throughout our marriage. She said she had one drink, but I’m having a hard time believing her. And even if she truly had just one, how do I know she is not going to start drinking again?” I asked.

“You don’t. She came to you instead of hiding it. It should earn your wife some points.”

I nodded slowly.

“Did you check with her sponsor and the bartender?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because she looked sincere when she told me.”

“So, you chose to believe her.”

“Yeah, I guess I did,” I said, twisting my mouth.

“Why are you second guessing then?”

“Because I don’t want to be a trusting fool again,” I blurted out. “I’m supporting her, and she is getting wasted behind my back.”

“Do you think this is what is happening?”

“No,” I reluctantly admitted.

“Well, you could go down into the rabbit hole, Ernie,” Marshall said, looking at me. “But there is nothing good there.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You check on your wife all the time. Install an app on her phone to find where she is. Search the house for hidden drinks ... I think you get the idea.”

I nodded. “Yeah. Maybe, if I had done that before we would not be here.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. The thing is, if your wife wants to start drinking again, she’ll do it now matter what you do to prevent it. It’s not healthy and it won’t help you or your wife. You will make yourself crazy. Trust me, there is nothing good in there. If she starts drinking again, you’ll know it without doing any of that.”

“So, I do nothing?”

“Do exactly what you have been doing. Support your wife in her recovery. Be patient, and create a safe space for her to share her feelings without judgment. Be compassionate. For what you told us, she is making a real effort.”

It took me some time to leave Carrie off the hook. I was still suspicious and angry with her and what she had put me through.

One day, I screamed at Carrie for no good reason at all.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you,” I apologized immediately. “I have a lot on my plate lately, and I took it with you.”

“You are carrying a lot of anger,” Carrie said to me, sorrow suffused her face. “I’ve noticed. Not that I am blaming you. You have every right to be angry with me.”