Chapter 12: Carrie

My days were getting better and better. I woke up early every day, feeling amazing, and I could make the most of every beautiful day. I was on a roll.

I had started looking outwards again, instead of inwards. Instead of constantly trying to escape, I was properly present.

It took me a long while to finally accept there were no magic solutions— only hard effort and working on myself every day. I wasn’t consciously working the ‘Steps’, not anymore after I rushed to go through them, but they were surely working on me.

Slowly, I started to heal and rebuild my life.

My husband and my group had not only saved my life, but they have gradually changed it. I learned that all of us, alcoholics, no matter who we are or where we come from, drink the way we do for one basic reason — we are addicts. We have a disease that won’t let us stop drinking, once we pick up the first one. If you can’t live without something, it’s an addiction.

We must constantly keep our addiction under control through the program of A.A. if we were to recover and remain sober.

In one of our weekly sessions, Yaron imparted some powerful advice. “You’ll be successful,” he said, “if you fill your life with positive experiences. Listen to beautiful music, savor good food, and surround yourself with supportive people. Try yoga, sing your heart out in the shower, and indulge in good books. Allow yourself to express your emotions fully – scream when you need to, cry when you need to. Make new friends, and explore your spirituality.”

I laughed, replying, “I think I’ve got the message, Yaron.”

His words planted a seed. I decided to create a space in my life completely free from alcohol. With Ernie’s encouragement, I joined the church choir, learning to harmonize hymns. Everyone was warm and welcoming, but it wasn’t long before questions about alcoholism and recovery arose. Small towns like Middletown hold few secrets. I patiently shared the basics of my Alcoholics Anonymous journey.

Eventually, the focus shifted to other interests and hobbies, allowing me to build new connections. For the first time in months, I felt like more than just an alcoholic battling addiction. I was rediscovering my identity as a person.

A sense of wellness began to seep into my being. It was subtle, almost elusive, yet undeniably promising.

Everything that happened had pushed me into maturity and forced me to grow up. In this new serenity of my life without alcohol, I started to ask myself what I wanted to do with my life.

That evening, upon returning home, I shared my heart with Ernie. “I’m truly sorry for the pain I’ve caused,” I began, my voice trembling. “I’m so sorry it took me this long to acknowledge my alcoholism.” Swallowing the lump in my throat, I added, “I love you.”

My breath caught in my chest as I awaited his response. Ernie opened his arms, and I ran into their embrace.

Our faces were close, yet my vision blurred with tears. I felt his lips on mine, a tender, comforting gesture. “I love you too,” he whispered.