Chapter 31: Down and Out

I was lying in bed alone in the motel I had been in for the last week, most of my injuries had healed, I had turned tricks the last two nights and I was expecting Bob to arrive at some point to take me home. I had done a lot of thinking, I had just missed a week of school, and my grades had not been good up to that point. I thought seriously of dropping out of school. I knew it wasn’t the smartest choice, but one I was giving a lot of thought to. I decided to talk it over with Bob when he arrived.

Bob arrived later that afternoon, and I sensed something wasn’t right. Bob seemed a little more distant than normal. He came into the motel room and looked at me. I thought I detected that he was a little disgusted with me, maybe he had grown tired of me. Then he told me what was on his mind.

“Rachel, I have met someone, I have started dating a girl from school, we had two dates where we just got to know each other, and then last night we had sex together. Rachel, I have feelings for her, and she has told me that she has feelings for me too. I just don’t think that it is right for me to be close to you like we were if I am going to put effort into my new relationship, and Rachel, I want this new relationship. You have continually told me that you and I can’t have the kind of relationship that I want and need, even though I wanted to have that kind of relationship with you. Rachel, you have no idea how badly I wanted you, but always hearing you say that you were not for me.”

Bob stopped, and feeling bad about what he was saying, he looked at me again. I hung my head, never expecting this to happen, I knew deep down that I did love Bob, I loved his family, and now I was losing him.

I looked up and said: “I understand Bob, but don’t ever think that I didn’t have feelings for you because I have, and I still have, I hope we can be friends.”

Bob answered: “Rachel, you are pretty fucked up in many ways, you use your body for money, you don’t care who fucks you, you got the shit kicked out of you, but you still consider yourself a piece of shit, a slut, you won’t allow yourself to be wanted and loved, I just don’t get it.”

I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t bother talking to Bob about my decision to leave school, but this new revelation made my decision a whole lot easier.

I looked at Bob, a tear streaming down my cheek, then I said: “I wish you all the best with your new girlfriend Bob, I think it’s best I stay here for another week or so, I will get a bus back home when I am ready to go back home. I am going to drop out of school, my grades are not good, and now I have missed more time. I know I am a fuck up Bob, you are far too good for me.”

I got up and walked over to him and said: “I hope your girlfriend doesn’t mind me kissing you goodbye.” I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips, then put my head on his shoulder and I cried. I was only wearing my bra and panties at the time, so I turned and walked back to the bed and got into it. “Goodbye Bob, I hope you are still my best friend.”

Bob looked at me as I climbed into the bed and answered: “You will always be my friend Rachel, but now that I have this girlfriend, I need to keep our relationship a lot different than it was.” Bob turned and walked to the door, opened it, and then he left.

I spent the rest of that afternoon trying to comprehend what had just happened, I had just lost the only good thing that I ever had, Bob had been so good to me. He always treated me like a queen, yet I always just kept pushing him away. I couldn’t blame him for hooking up with some other chick.

After pulling myself together, I walked down to the office and paid the room rent for another week. I decided to do just as Bob had said: Sell myself, use my body to make money, turn tricks, be a whore, a dirty fucking whore that has no self-respect, a sixteen-year-old prostitute.

I went out that night and the next two nights after that, I made a lot of money and turned a lot of tricks, John found me late on the third night and drove me back to the motel. Of course, I knew he was going to want sex, that was just the way it was.

When we got to the motel, John parked the car and we walked into the motel room together. He had a bottle with him. I wasn’t sure what it was because it was still in a paper bag. When we got to the room, he asked if I would like a glass of wine. I hadn’t been drinking as much as I had a few months ago. He poured us both a glass of wine, and we sat there drinking it, and I enjoyed the taste, and then eventually the feeling I got after having a few glasses.

John managed to get me drunk, in fact he got me wasted, so drunk that I had to have his help undressing and getting into bed. As drunk as I was, he still managed to fuck me. I remembered it and did the best I could, but I was so fucking drunk.

I woke up the next morning, and as usual, John was gone, obviously he went home to his wife. I had a pounding headache from the wine, and I began feeling sorry for myself. I thought about Bob, and I thought about him with his new girlfriend. I thought about John, how he was married and yet I didn’t care about his wife, I just let him use me like I did with all the other Johns I had. How many of them were married I asked myself, Rachel, you are such a fucking loser.

Later that afternoon, I decided that I wanted another bottle of wine, I was too young to get it myself, so I went to my corner to turn a trick. My price would be money and a bottle of wine. I wasn’t on the street long, a younger guy came and asked for a blowjob. That wasn’t going to be a problem. I told him it would be forty dollars and a bottle of wine. He agreed, so I got in his car, he drove to a nearby liquor store, went inside and bought me the bottle of wine, then as we were parked in the back of the parking lot, I did my thing with him there.