Chapter 38

I didn’t know what to do. I felt weird as I played the story Mom told me over and over in my mind. I was in my room, sitting on my bed. I stared at my phone, knowing I was supposed to message Riley about what had happened last night. I still wanted to, of course, I told her everything, but how could I tell her about my Dad? I didn’t think I was ready to do that, and I definitely didn’t think it should be done over the phone. It seemed too personal to say casually like that. No, I’d have to hang onto this information until the next time I saw her face to face.

It was almost 5:00 pm and Dad would be home from work soon. I didn’t know how I was going to face him. It was such a massive, gigantic, monumental piece of information that my parents had been hiding from me all these years. I didn’t know if I could handle it. What if I said the wrong thing or did something stupid that let him know that I knew. He was already mad at me and under a lot of pressure. I didn’t want to make it worse. I kind of wanted to stay out of his way as much as possible, which was already kind of normal now, I suppose. I figured my best option was to quietly get through dinner and then go for a walk in the evening, where I could call Riley from the park.

I put on a comfy pair of jeans and a simple thin T-shirt before Dad got home. I didn’t want to wear anything too sexy, as I waited for dinner. When Mom called that dinner was ready, I came out without saying a word. Dad said hello, and there was only awkward small talk at the table while we mostly ate in silence. Mom kept looking at me. I don’t know if she expected me to say something or not, so I kept my mouth full of food and closed between bites. By the time dinner was finished, I had my shoes on and was heading for the door.

“Where are you going?” Mom asked before I was able to escape into the hall.

“Just for a walk. I’ve been inside all day and need to stretch my legs,” I replied. I wasn’t lying either. “Might walk to the park and back.”

Dad looked at me and asked, “Do you think it’s a good idea to go out alone at this time of night?”

That seemed like a strange thing to say. “I walk home from work much later than this.”

“On busy city sidewalks, not walking through the park. It could be dangerous.” Dad was trying to protect me again. At least I knew why now, but I knew I’d be fine.

“It’s fine, Dad. I won’t be gone long, I promise.”

“Honey, just let her go. She’s got her phone on her and she’ll be safe, won’t you?” Mom looked at me accusingly. I couldn’t tell if she believed I was just going for a walk, but it was the truth.

“Yes, Mom.” I held up my phone and my keys, letting them know I had both. I felt like I was ten years old again, leaving to go to the corner store for a bag of chips. Sure, I could be irresponsible at times, like my current way of living, but that was besides the point. I shut the door behind me and walked down the stairs toward the street.

As I walked down the road, I let my mind wander. I found I was still quite sore; my legs and thighs felt stiff, and my breasts bruised and battered. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do another night like that again anytime soon, and that sort of bummed me out. I enjoyed it, I could admit that to myself now. Pretty much every part of it. I didn’t feel the same shame and guilt I had the last time. I even looked forward to watching my video whenever Tucker finished editing it. I’d have to bring it with me next time I go to visit Riley. I wondered if her Dad would enjoy watching me be used like that. I’d learned that some men get off on that type of thing. The fact that I looked like, but was not actually his daughter, might make it hotter for him. It’s hard to know. Men can be really weird and possessive. I thought back to the incident with Ross as an example.

The sun was slowly disappearing on the horizon behind a tall building in the distance. The sky was a brilliant blaze of orange and yellow that reminded me of the campfires earlier in that summer. It was hard to believe that so much time had passed, and so many things had happened. It felt like just yesterday, but also a lifetime ago.

I entered the park, passing by the gated entrance I knew so well. The lights slowly activated along the path, illuminating the way and fending off the impending darkness of another night. I strolled along. The park was quiet, with only a few people wandering about. The dusk air felt cool as summer neared its end and fall crept closer. In the blink of an eye, the leaves will change and start dropping to the ground.

I pulled my phone from my purse, readying to call Riley from a peaceful but vacant spot. I found a nice bench near the small lake just underneath a light and unlocked my phone. There were two texts, one from Riley and one from Brian. I checked Riley’s first.

R – Hey? You still alive, or did you die in your sleep? Hope you’re ok

I texted back

J – Still alive. Had to get someplace private. Will call shortly

Within seconds, I received a quick reply.

R - 👍

I then scrolled over to Brian’s text. I’d messaged him here and there, but mostly sent him pictures of me in my underwear. He seemed to like those, and it wasn’t like they were the dirtiest pictures of me.

B – Hi Jane, I’m in the area today if you’re free. I’d like to see you again.

The message was from an hour ago, probably when I was having dinner. I would like to see Brian again, he was really nice. The thing was, I didn’t know if I had the social stamina to deal with another person right now; everything felt too unsteady. Then again, I didn’t know how often I’d get the chance to see him.

J – Hi Brian, are you still around?

B – I was just about to head home, but I can swing back. Where are you?

J - I’m just hanging out at the lake in the park near my place

B – OK, be there as soon as I can. See you soon

J – OK, see you

With that done, I dialed Riley. I didn’t know exactly how long I had till Brian found me, so I wanted to make sure I called her right away. The phone barely rang once before I heard her voice on the other end.

“Jane, what the hell happened last night?” she asked. I could hear the worry in her voice.

“I’m ok. Things kind of got out of hand, but I don’t know if I care anymore.”

Riley sounded confused and concerned, “What does that mean?”

I spent the next twenty minutes explaining the events of the night. The lights, the cameras, the alcohol, and of course, Tucker’s part in everything. She didn’t say a word throughout my recollection, but she did make a faint gasp and growl every time I mentioned Tucker’s name.

I then got to the crux of the night - my epiphany - that I was in fact a slut and nothing mattered. Without even a single word, I could feel Riley’s growing discomfort as I described the night from that point on. I could feel her seething anger as I detailed my final flight from Brad’s after the sun came up.

“ ... And that’s when I crawled through my window this morning.”

It was then that Riley finally spoke, or more accurately yelled.

“I told him! I’m gonna cut his fuckin’ balls off and stuff’em down his throat!” yelled Riley into the phone so loud I had to hold it away from my ear.

“Easy Ri-” I tried to calm her but she was in a rage.

“I told Brad if he hurt you! I swear I’ll be down first thing with the biggest knife I can find!”

“Wooooahhh! Down girl!” I knew I needed to calm Riley down. I was touched by her passion and willingness to protect me, but there was nothing to protect me from. She stopped yelling, but I could hear her fiery breathing still reverberating through the speaker. “ ... Brad didn’t do this. I chose it.”

That answer didn’t satisfy her. “Jane, you were drunk and they took advantage of you.”

“No, I wanted it. I did what I wanted to do. For the first time, it felt like I was fully in control. No anxiety, no panicking, and no worrying about what others thought of me. It felt so freeing.” I was trying to explain my epiphany. If there was anyone I wanted to understand, it was Riley. She seemed to be struggling to grasp what I was saying, though.

“You had sex for money, though, like a straight up exchange of services. I’m really worried about you.” Riley sounded freaked out, and I wanted to put her at ease that I wasn’t going to do anything too stupid.

“I would have done it anyway,” I tried to say calmly. “At that point, I wanted him too, and would have let him join in regardless. The fact that he’d already offered was kind of a bonus. It got us an extra thousand bucks for our future apartment.”

“Our future apartment?!” Riley started to sound angry again. “Jane! That’s not how I want you earning the money. I’ve got a few thousand saved up, and I have my college fund sitting there. Please, don’t do that again. I’d rather live with you in a rat’s nest filled with roaches, than a fancy place that you paid for with your body!”

She was truly worried about me in the same way that Mom was earlier. I loved both of them, and they clearly loved me, too. I wish they trusted me a bit more, though. It wasn’t like I was planning on walking the streets or anything, despite my empty threats last night to Brad. I just didn’t want him to kick me out or stop. I wanted to keep going. I still did, but I didn’t want to worry Riley.

“I promise I won’t sell myself again,” I said, promising something I never thought I’d say.

“And NO porn either!” she quickly shouted, like she’d thought I’d use it as a loophole. It made me laugh.

“That was a- well probab- it was possibly a one time thing anyway? Besides, it was for private use.”

“You’re not instilling me with a lot of confidence here,” Riley said, clearly not amused.

“You’re still going to watch it with me once it’s done, right?” I had to ask.

Riley laughed, “Of course. How could I not? I just wish it didn’t also have that pervert Tucker in it. Why do you put up with him?”

“It’s hard to explain.” I stopped to consider my answer. “He’s vile, gross, and sick, but for some reason what he does turns me on so much. He just knows how to push my buttons. He said he still knows people who’d love to meet me, like five or six guys at a time.”

I heard a sharp intake of breath through the phone as Riley readied herself to start yelling at me, but I cut her off. “I won’t. I’m just teasing you! Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

There was a noticeable sigh of relief, followed by a classic Riley comment, “My panties aren’t in a twist, ‘cause I’m not wearing any.”

“Slut!”

Riley playfully fired back, “Look who’s talking!”

That made me feel better. Despite everything she’d heard so far, she was still Riley. It was a good feeling to know that we could slip back into our regular routine after such a tense conversation. Then I remembered I never actually finished the story. We’d gotten sidetracked.

“I forgot something,” I said suddenly. “It’s the wildest part, too.”

Riley groaned, “Oh God! You didn’t fuck a dog or something, did you? A midget with a strap on? A one-armed man with a dick-drill for a hand?”

“Gross! Shut up!” I playfully sniped. “No, you interrupted me earlier, and we went on a tangent. It was afterward when I got home. I climbed through the window and found my Mom waiting for me.”

“OH shit! Was she pissed?”

“Disappointed, would be the closest thing. She was upset that I hadn’t told her about Brad and wanted to know what happened. I came clean.”

“Wow, what did you tell her?” asked Riley.

My response was simple. “Everything.”

“Like everything everything?”

“Yup. Brad, Tucker, the video cameras ... even Brian and Crystal. Whatever I left out or happened after the last time you were here,” I admitted.

“Wow, that must have been hard and embarrassing.”

“Not really,” I said honestly. “As I said, I’m no longer worried about that sort of thing. I was really more worried about her telling Dad about Brad, because Dad would kill him.”