Chapter 6: Why don’t I remember, or Care?

The counsellor’s door had a brass name plate that read “Mark Rosenfrat”, but she didn’t look like a Mark, nor did I need another Mark in my life. The spotless room smelled of bleach. She pointed toward two wooden chairs while she sat in a leather chair behind the glass desk. The desk had a closed grey laptop locked to the metal leg, a pink mouse over a mousepad with a picture of a family on it. She had no personal objects in the room, only simple images of solid colors in geometric shapes. Three massive metal filing cabinets stood behind her. She left the door open, but the other counsellors had closed their doors.

“Ms. Boucher, we need to talk about your attitude,” she said and steepled her fingers. She scrutinized me, her gaze lingered on my hands that I held in my lap. She meant that she needed to lecture me about my grades. Why can’t people just say what they mean? Hypocrites. She had a light brown scar that traveled from behind her left ear, down her neck, and under her dress. Her face looked relaxed with a slight frown. I hated her, and I could tell that she hated me.

“Your grades have fallen, and a few teachers and students have commented that you do not pay attention in class. The school year is slipping away. You need to make an adjustment, or you will fail,” she said. The word fail came across like a gangster would say, ‘die’. Why do all counsellors suck? Worse, this one pulled me away from Rebecca to lecture me about stupid stuff. My ass hurt from the hardwood, but I didn’t dare move because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of a squirm. I could handle pain, all day long, no way would this old surfer chick crack me.

“Please speak,” the counsellor said. She hadn’t introduced herself, fuck, she might start to strip. She had large enough breasts, and Rebecca’s friends would do something like that; hire a stripper to fuck with me. I stared back. She looked older than I first thought, with wrinkles beside her eyes and on her neck. Perhaps older than Mom. What does a senior citizen know about teenage issues? I bet she spent her adolescent years surfing, drinking, and doing drugs, then decided to get a job, and now lectures teenagers on not doing what she did as a teen. Don’t do what I did. Learn from me, yeah, and become a teenage counsellor, no thanks.

“Many girls your age go through what you are going through,” she said. No fucking way. What do other girls know about love? They only care about clothes, make-up, and boys. I tried to like boys, and where did that get me? All men cheat, well, not Dad. Girls don’t do that. We discuss our feelings, well, maybe not always, but we have feelings. Most guys have no feelings. My spine itched as I leaned against the chair, but I didn’t want to scratch or move.

She leaned back in her chair as she stared at me. She had lovely brown eyes, almost black. She didn’t wear a wedding ring, jewelry, or earrings. Her hands had thick calluses, and her left middle finger didn’t have a fingernail, from long ago, as the flesh had grown over. Maybe she didn’t surf, just acted the part, with a surfer sundress, bleached hair in braids, attitude, speech patterns, and mannerisms. Just like a counselor, to pretend to ‘connect’ with the younger generation.

“You know, people are like waves, you need to study them to understand them, how they will break, when they will bend, and why they fizzle out. Some waves will give you a nice long ride, others will disappear almost as soon as they swell,” she said. What? Like, what the hell? People don’t act like waves. Stupid pop hippy surfer psychology. A wave in the ocean. I breathe, I eat, sometimes, I make choices, unlike waves. Stupid surfer culture. ‘Like ride the wave dude’, ‘like when life crushes you, ride again’, ‘life’s like a wave, surf it’, and other nonsense.

“You strike me as a deep wave, a long wave. When you need me, please call,” she said, and handed me a white card, a thin card, almost standard paper, with ‘Jasmine Jones’, her number, and the school division crest. I would never call, but I shoved it into my pocket, less drama to pretend.

“You may go,” Jasmine said and waved to the door. I hadn’t said a word. What a useless counsellor. Where do they find those people? You would think that a counsellor wouldn’t suck so much. My head spun as I stood too fast, but I held my shit together, with my hand on the chair. I didn’t want her to see me stumble; she might call the school nurse, who would figure out about the drugs, then school would kick me out, and Mom would throw me to the curb. And while I loved Rebecca and wanted to live with her, I didn’t trust her dad.

As I exited the door, Jasmine said, “You’re a powerful wave, I would totally ride you.” Which meant what? Did she want to fuck me? Get in line. How stupid could she get? And what did she mean by powerful? Fuck powerful. I have no power or strength. I have fucked up so much, all my relationships. I have no friends, no family, only Rebecca cares. Powerful, my ass, she knew zip.

The empty halls caused my anxiety to increase, peaceful, too peaceful, like in horror movies where the sidekick gets killed. Why do I bother to come here? Such a useless place, useless, with perverted, useless teachers, counsellors, and hypocritical rules. I could just walk out the front doors and keep walking forever. Except, my foot hurt, again. And with nothing better to do, I hobbled to English class.

Four younger guys on Tuesday, and worse, Adam sat on the old leather couch between two others his age. A scruffy-faced boy negotiated with Rebbeca as I stared at the new Star Wars cartoon on the TV. The bright lights mesmerized me, and I sat between Adam and a long-haired blonde kid. They both smelled like hamburgers and fries, which caused my stomach to twist. I wanted to eat something, anything, but Rebecca would hate me more. She already acted mad around me all the time, always busy, always with some soccer thing or friend. I knew she still loved me, I hoped.

“Have you seen this yet, Margot?” Adam asked as he sipped a vodka cooler. The other guy put his arm around me and tried to kiss my lips, but I pulled away to watch better. Adam reminded me of Eva and the yellow party at his place. I miss her. Zoe would love this show, but would talk about the physics and theories until Bella would tell her to shut up, and Fenna would tell Bella to shut up. Lise would sing, and Julia would complain that she didn’t like vodka as she drank Abigail’s cooler, who wouldn’t notice because she had a side bet with Ada that she could stick her fist in Ada’s mouth or something else stupid. Anna would have her arms around Tess while Tess watched soccer on her phone, hidden in her lap. I missed the team. Why did they hate Rebecca so much, and why did they make that video?

“No, I didn’t know they had released it,” I said and giggled, stupid clones, they always died. I always liked the clones, so cool in their armor. Charlotte always acted as a Sith lord, Tasha as a Wookie. I missed New York. Maybe I could get enough money for a plane ticket back. Charlotte’s mom would let me live with them. But where do I get the money?

“Are you ok? You’re slurring your words,” Adam said as he held my shoulders and stared at me. I smiled at his concern and cheered when the red sword guy skipped away, which didn’t make sense. He had won, or hadn’t he? Didn’t matter.

“Sure, all good,” I said and gave him a kiss on the cheek. So cute, so nice to care so much. The third guy, the one with glasses, moved in front of me, pushed my legs apart, and pulled off my panties. His nails scratched my inner thigh, and I tried to hit him, but missed and landed on Adam, who held me up. I laughed at Adam’s expression, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, with cute little dimples.

“Her panties are soaked,” the glasses guy said and handed the panties to the long-haired kid. The glasses guy had white tape on the side of his glasses and the cutest, smallest nose. He looked younger than Adam, with a baby face. I giggled at the scream when Rebecca grabbed my hand and pulled me up.

“Let’s go, these children are wasting my time,” she said and hugged me. She smelled of mint and aftershave. Why aftershave? That didn’t make sense. Did she shave down there? But I didn’t have my face buried in her crotch. Yet. Still, her arms held me, warmed me, and made the world a vibrant, worthwhile place.

“Can’t I stay? Adam could bring me home,” I said, and kissed Rebecca. She tasted sweet with a slight funky flavor, something familiar, but I couldn’t place the taste. I would enjoy a cuddle with Adam on the couch while we watch Star Wars. Besides, the show had moved onto an incredible battle scene.

The three, no, four boys stood in a circle and talked about something. I waved to Adam, but too focused on the conversation to wave back. They had paused the cartoon, so I glanced around the house as Rebecca left me to talk to the boys.

A small front room with a beautiful view of the boring street, filled with cars and garbage cans. The couch had rips on the back, but someone had placed a beautiful multicolored blanket over the cushions. The outside door had a pile of jackets and shoes around it, a definite fire hazard, which matters because someone in the house smokes. A lot. Two ashtrays overflowed onto the floor, and everything smelled of smoke. Neither of the boys on the couch reeked, so the other boy must live here.

Rebecca returned to me and said, “Change of plans, Nick just wants you to teach him how to have sex. I’ll supervise to make sure he doesn’t do anything wrong. The other boys can watch, so they learn.” She kissed my ear and held my hands. Ok, I guess. If Rebecca said so. Too bad Adam didn’t need help. I liked him and wanted to help him, but the other boy, who cared about him? Except, maybe Adam and Rebecca, so I guess I cared.

Nick looked embarrassed, Adam appeared pleased and smiled with a grin that covered his face, the blonde guy refused to look at me, while the other guy stared at Nick. A cute kid. Needed to shave the stupid sparse mustache and needed a new hairstyle, and better clothes, and socks without holes, but cute.

“Why can’t he get a girlfriend?” I asked and buried my head in Rebecca’s shoulder. I leaned on her to remove the pressure on my sore foot. I hated guys, well, I didn’t hate Adam, but I didn’t want to have sex with him, unless he needed the help, but only then, and with Rebecca present, maybe to help.

“Because he needs help, and I said I would help him, but you’re better at this, so, please, for me?” Rebecca asked. She hugged me and kissed my neck. I didn’t want to do this, but she needed me and Nick needed me, and he looked cute, like a puppy dog, with his big eyes, slight grin, and head slanted to the side. The other three stood behind him, two with their hands on his shoulders for support, while Adam grinned at me.

“Ok. You’ll stay with me?” I asked. I wanted to cuddle with Rebecca, and maybe Adam, on the couch and watch Star Wars; even better, I wanted to go back home, watch Star Wars, and do sexy stuff with Rebecca. We would finally get alone time.

Nick led us to his room. Posters of half-nude women and muscle cars covered his walls. He had a small bed in the corner, the covers hung off the side, and one corner of the fitted sheet had pulled off. Clothes covered the desk and spilled out of the open dresser drawers. A window without blinds faced the neighbour’s house, where a black window without blinds stared back at us, with Nick’s light on, anyone next door could watch.

Nick kicked the clothes out of the way and walked to the bed. I followed and held my nose against the sweat and cum smells in the room. He must masturbate a lot to overpower the toxic smell of the house. At least he had soft hands, almost girlish.

The bright light caused the window to mirror the room. I looked awful, my hair messed, my eyes too dark with messed-up mascara, my skin too pale, a bruise on my cheek, and a hickey on my neck. My right arm had dark bruises, and I forgot to re-paint my nails. I stumbled to the bed while Rebecca expertly moved around.

“Only you can fuck her, but I’ll show you some other things that she can do,” Rebecca said to Nick. The bed looked too soft with a weird slant, maybe broken.

Rebecca pulled off my shirt, then removed my bra. The room’s heat caused sweat to drip off my chin and onto my chest. She guided me to the bed and moved me to all fours. My skirt hung from my hips, my breasts hung from my chest, and my head hung from my body. I had so little strength that I wanted to collapse on the bed, but Rebecca wanted me in this position, so I stayed in this position.

“Boys, I’m going to record this to make sure you treat her right,” Rebecca said and pointed her phone at me. The light next door turned on to reveal an older lady’s face, shocked, before the light turned off again.

Nick climbed onto the bed behind me. The bed creaked and wobbled as he shuffled toward me. He lifted my skirt to expose me to the room and the mirrored window. I had cuts on my upper thighs and a purple bruise on my left ass cheek. He grabbed my hips and slammed his dick into my pussy. It hurt, and I yelped in surprise. For such a short kid, he felt okay, not big, but not small, maybe above average.

“Nick, normally, you don’t want to do that. Margot likes pain and can handle it, but most girls would be pissed right now. Instead, rub and play with her a bit. Explore her body,” Rebecca said. She rested her hand on my lower back, her warm fingers stabilized my body as the bed wobbled. The other boys stared, and I imagined the old lady next door did also.

Nick pulled out and explored my body with his fingers. At first, he ran his fingertips up and down my back, then over my shoulders, around my sides, and touched my breasts. His fingers swirled around my nipples, which grew in appreciation. Too gentle, but most girls would like this. He needed better technique, but he would learn and grow and might one day please a girl.

“Now, you need to get to know what a girl wants, so ask her,” Rebecca said. Nick pulled back. He stared past me at his yellow-stained pillow and didn’t say anything. His thumb touched each finger as if to remember something. Rebecca wore a grin as she stared at Nick, while the other boys stared at the poster behind me, and only Adam stared at me. He didn’t just stare. He licked his lips as his gaze darted up and down my body.

“What do you want? I mean, what do you like?” Nick said with a tremble in his voice. A little puppy dog but with a dick that dripped pre-cum. He had thick pubic hair and hairy black legs. Sweat covered his solid, hairy chest and defined abdomen. I loved his outie belly button.

“She won’t bite. And no one will laugh at you while naked, hell, if a girl does, that just shows her inexperience. Be confident, whisper in her ear, ask her what she wants you to do to her, or, if there is something you want, suggest that,” Rebecca said and pushed Nick’s face to my ear. His breath tickled my ear and made me shiver.