Chapter 16: Discovered

I was awake early one Saturday morning in late February, because I was finding it hard to sleep recently, almost eight months carrying the twins, I felt that I was obscenely huge and experiencing image embarrassment so hardly ever went out anymore. But this morning, Kay was fast asleep and I put the coffee on and sat in the kitchen for half an hour until about five minutes to seven.

The nearest newspaper shop to my flat opened at 7am, so I wrapped up my bloated body in the biggest coat that Kay had bought me for going out at this time in the pregnancy, slipped into the lift and went down to the garage level. The exit for the garage was the nearest exit to the paper shop rather than go out the front lobby.

I’ve never had the two newspapers I read every day delivered, I had normally walked around to Ahmed Khan’s “AK News” shop every day until about a month ago, when I was so obviously out of shape I daren’t risk it. In the past few weeks Kay has got the papers for me and, although sometimes I’ve parked the car outside and Kay has popped in for the papers and Mr Khan has cheerfully waved to me from his counter next to the plate glass window. This morning I was up early and Kay was still fast asleep, so I decided to venture out before the Saturday shopping crowd aroused themselves after their active Friday night celebrations at the end of the working week.

It was quite cold outside early morning in February and there was a heavy frost that reached down to the ground, the pavement glittering in the lamplight. The last thing I wanted was a fall in my condition, so I walked in the road which had clearly been salted. I hurried because of the cold and the fact that I had already drunk two pots of tea and the pregnancy pressing on my bladder meant that I was in the habit of urinating little and often and the pressing need to go often injected a degree of urgency into my stride. I could see outside the newsagent a light layer of orange grit had been thrown down to prevent slipping, so I stepped back onto the pavement.

I stopped in my tracks immediately outside the shop, however and, although I couldn’t be certain, I am pretty sure I expelled an expletive that would’ve got me a clip round the ear if my grandmother was within earshot.

All the front pages of the newspapers displayed outside the paper shop carried my photo! Yes, you heard me, my blessed photo! Not recent once’s, but taken from my days when I was proudly singular. Then there were the headlines which all screamed various phrases on the theme of “Pregnant Man”.

Some of the headlines were perfectly cringeworthy, “Bloke’s Bun in the Oven”, “Man Gets Oven Bun”, “Oven Ready Chap”, “Man Mum”, “Playboy Preggers”, “Gravid Guy”, “Baby Bump Bloke Named”, “Fella Family Way”, “Geezer Keith Cheggers”, “Knocked up Geezer”, “Cheggers Mate”, “Fella Fulla Fledgling “ and a couple of personal ones, “Drew Baby Due”, “Drew Up The Duff”.

I numbly pushed the door open to enter, wondering what the hell was going on.

“Good morning Mr Singleton,” Mr Khan gravely said in greeting, “I’m sorry about the papers ... if it was only in the local paper or perhaps a scoop by one single paper, I could’ve hidden them away and returned them unsold, but it is all of them, even the FT, I’m afraid.”

“Oh god,” I said, “this wasn’t completely unexpected, Mr Khan, but I’d hoped to have got away with it until after the birth.”

“I thought that Miss Kay would drop in this morning, so I have put together a bundle here of a copy of each of the papers, Mr Singleton,” Mr Khan said, holding up a large bundle of papers rolled into a tube shape secured by some white string, “please accept this package with my compliments and ... I suppose, my hearty congratulations.”

I managed to smile, “Thank you Mr Khan, very kind of you. And please call me Drew rather than Mister, I’m not sure if ‘Mister’ is the right term for me any more.”

“You’ve always seemed to be a genuine gentleman, Drew,” he said as he handed over the bundle, “You have been a regular in my shop for some time, Drew, and Miss Kay always brightens up the shop every time she drops in, so please call me Ahmed. I’m sorry that this has all blown up at what looks like a critical time for you. I have six kids and I know for my wife the last few weeks of each pregnancy was a very trying time and you look pretty damn close.”

“Yes, about 10 days to go, I’m told. And everything aches and I couldn’t sleep this morning. Anyway, thank you for this, Ahmed, I hope to see you tomorrow, otherwise Kay may pop in for my usual papers.”

“It’s always a pleasure seeing you or your missus, Drew. Now you take it easy on the way home, I expected the Press to be camped outside your front door.”

“Bugger, I sneaked out the back and wasn’t even aware of any of this,” I said as I waved farewell and left Ahmed’s shop.

Thinking about the Press on the way back, I walked up to the front corner of my building to peek round and there were at least three TV vans, a dozen cars cluttering up the double yellow lines and a gaggle of photographers and TV cameramen milling around. I scooted back to the car park exit and re entered the building.

I remembered I had Inspector Marjorie’s phone number on a card she handed out the night I met Kay; it should still be in my wallet. It was. I fished it out and called her. She answered immediately.

“If this is a scam call at this hour of the morning, you are going to get such an earful,” she started brusquely, not recognising the number. I had never called her before.

“Marjorie,” I interrupted, “this is Drew Singleton, from the country club incident six months ago if you remember?”

“Oh my god, Drew!,” she exclaimed, “I’ve been glued to breakfast TV for the last half hour and thought ... anyway, how are you doing? God, it must be so tough but wonderful, too. Christ Almighty, Drew, you are a bloody modern miracle!”

“I’m feeling okay, Marj, except for the high blood pressure, my bad back, constant tiredness and never wanting to be more than a dozen steps away from a loo ... I guess I’m fine, and the babies are too...”

“Christ, you’re having more than one?”

“Twins, but keep that under your hat, the headlines only talk about ‘the baby’ as in singular.”

“Same on the telly, they just say pregnant. Looks like whoever let the cat out of the bag is anonymous, it all came through Reuter’s, so it’s international.

“Look, I have a problem with the Press camped out on my doorstep on double yellow lines and it would be great if you could get them shifted somehow, or at least distracted so Kay and I can make a getaway in about half an hour or so. Anything you can do?”

“Leave it with me Drew,” she laughed, “Now you take care, I’m glad to are still with Kay, she seemed pretty grounded, and very pretty too.”

“Yeah, we’re engaged, thought we’d leave the formalities until I can fit back into my tux.”

“Good luck with that, took me a year to get back in shape, and watch out for post-partum, it’s an absolute bugger. Try and keep as relaxed and calm as you can ... although from the sound of your voice you do seem calm and I reckon you must be one of the most unflappable people I know, Drew.”

“Maybe,” I chuckled, “I’m trying my best to hold it all together but I do lose my rag from time to time with all these unaccustomed hormones raging.”

“Just stay strong, Drew, so it is twins, then?”

“Yeah, twin boys, I’m the size of an effin’ house.”

“No wonder you’ve got a bad back!,” she laughed, “Go lie down and I’ll take care of this ... and Drew?”

“Yes?”

“You’re gonna be a brilliant Dad. Keep my number handy if you need an escort to the hospital at any time.”

“Thanks, Marjorie, I’ve got that bit covered, but I’ll keep it in mind as a back-up. Thanks again, Marj.”

“You’re welcome, bye Drew and good luck.”

“Bye.”

When I got to the flat Kay was up and I could smell breakfast cooking. Recently I had craved a full English fry-up for breakfast which helped set my increased calories intake for the day, I was feeding for three after all.

“Hi, hon,” Kay called out as I entered the kitchen, “couldn’t you sleep, Babe? I know you were tossing and turning while it was still dark, and then you were gone.”

“I went to get the papers —”

She looked up and saw me carrying Ahmed’s big bundle, “Blimey, are we opening our own paper shop?”

“No, Ahmed Khan at the shop made up this bundle for me,” I said, “looks like I’ve been rumbled and we’re in all the papers, even the FT has me on the front page analysing how my companies are doing with the “CEO Drew Duff Stuffed”. And we’ve got the Press camped out on our doorsteps.’

“What!” Kay said as she ran to the lounge windows and peeked out, suddenly rearing back in shock. “Fuck! Half a dozen cameras flashed me in the half a second I looked out the window. I should’ve looked at the CCTV instead, shit! And there’s a drone outside the window too, honey. Fuck, I hoped we wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Meanwhile I switched on the BBC 24 hour news channel, and of course it was being discussed by the presenters.

“I’ve called the police, Kay, you remember Marjorie, the Inspector from the club incident?”

“Yes, she was impressive.”

“Yeah, well you made a good impression on her too. Look, hopefully she will move them on and we can maybe sneak off somewhere?”

“Absolutely. We need a decoy and an alternative vehicle,” Kay said, picking up her phone and pressed the keypad. In moments, her speed-dial rang once on loudspeaker and was picked up.

“What are you calling so early for Kay-Lynn?” I recognised Jane’s voice from the next-door flat, “Shit! This must be an emergency, how’s Drew?”

“Calm down, babe, we’re fine,” Kay said calmly, “it’s just that Drew’s been rumbled, it’s in all the papers and on the telly and we’ve got the press parked out on our doorstep and we need a diversion, something like Sparky might provide?”

“Ah, well, yes he could, like we discussed,” Jane replied over the loudspeaker, “fuck it, I’m just shaking his shoulder now. We’ll be though to you in two to three minutes.”

“Oh, you and Sparky are that close huh?” Kay giggled.

“Shut up!, he’s just stumbled half asleep into the loo,” Jane laughed back, “and don’t you say nothing negative, KL, how can I help it if he’s fucking adorable and don’t you ever tell him that!”

“I won’t babe, I bet he thinks you’re pretty adorable too,” Kay laughed, “coffee’s on the go here, and I’ll bung a few more rashers and sausages on the cooker once I’ve served up Drew’s breakfast, so see you in a mo.”

“What was all that about?” I asked.

Kay pressed more buttons on the phone keyboard as she spoke to me, “help yourself to breakfast, Drew and keep y... “ she pressed the phone to her ear, “Monty? Yes ... no ... the shit’s hit the fan, the press are outside and Drew’s in all the papers ... yes, see you in five then.”

“Monty’s on his way up,” Kay said, “he’s gonna take a quick look at you, you’re gonna sit and eat your grub and we’ll figure out where we are going. I’ve got bags packed already for this eventuality. Let’s have a look and see what they are saying about us, and how much they know, shall we?”

She thumbed through the channels on the tv in the kitchen and of course I was the main subject of conversation, with a number of experts being called on to expression their opinions. And it was on every news channel.

I helped myself to the fry-up, Kay reloaded the frying pan with more bacon and sausages And replenished the toaster after we removed our toast; she opened another can of beans and re-used the saucepan on the cooker and put another three plates warming in the oven. She drank her filter coffee black while I had switched to tea for the past few months as coffee made me sick.

We quickly looked through the front pages of the newspapers and cringed at some of the crazy headlines, from the arudite “First Pregnant Man,” to the downright insulting “Drew Up Duff”, and soon Kay looked up. “They’ve got several photos of me and refer to me as ‘girlfriend/love interest’—”

“And after looking out the window, you’ll be upgraded to ‘live-in girlfriend’ or ‘partner’,” I pointed out.

“But the important note to take is that they don’t mention my name, other than I appear to be a medical professional, from my scrubs, so it means we could head for my mum and dad’s to hide out for a week or so to let things calm down and then come back here when Monty says it’s time for the op.”

Just then the front door bell rang and Kay went to let Jane and Sparky in.

“Hey Boss,” Sparky said, “Jane’s just told me your amazing news, congratulations to you both. How can I help?”

“It sounds like Kay and Jane have cooked a plan up between them, Sparks, let’s just hear what they’ve got to say, shall we?”

The toast popped up from the toaster and the front door bell rang again.

“That sounds like Monty,” Kay said as she let him before continuing to pour coffee for Jane and Sparky.

“Right,” Kay said, “Jane and I were talking about this a few weeks ago. Our idea is that Drew and I go out in Sparky’s van...”

“Which is in the public car park next door,” Jane interjected.

“ ... while Jane and Sparky take one of Drew’s cars and drives leisurely to allow at least one newspaper reporter to follow you down the motorway to Bristol or Bath, say, stay a couple of days and keep the press occupied. Meanwhile, Drew and I take Sparky’s van, drive out in the opposite direction, with Drew tucked out of sight and we eventually make our way down to Sussex and stay at my mum and dad’s farm. It is a quiet place, there are a couple of public footpaths which cross the farm but they are in between fields that are well out of sight of the farmhouse. We could get my dad and my brother to drive a car plus Sparky’s van somewhere to meet with one of the maintenance team and hand the van over, before driving back. How does that sound, Drew?”

“Good plan” I said. “But I have a small but luxury flat in Eastbourne which has been empty for months. I bought it for convenience and have used it several times over the past two years while we’ve been making plans for and briefing planners and contractors over a care home I want to build down there. The plans were actually approved on appeal a couple of months ago but the approval lasts for three years and I’ve been too involved in this pregnancy to bother with it yet, so I was going to leave the project until we’ll after the twins come. I was going to sell the flat soon after the building was complete and probably make money on the sale while avoiding hotel and parking charges.”

I turned to Sparky, who was munching through what looked like a sausage sandwich with brown sauce dripping onto the plate, “The flat is fully furnished with a fully stocked freezer and it’s on the seafront with fantastic views from a double glazed balcony. There is a separate designated double garage downstairs which will comfortably take the Aston, so you could be snug down there for a few days, take as long as you like.”

“Sounds great, Boss,” Sparky said after swallowing, “so Jane an’ me’ll leave in a couple of minutes once we’ve packed a change of clothes...”

“Put on the ‘fat suit’, Sparky,” Kay interjected, “I’ll fetch it from the bedroom along with some of Drew’s casual wear in his current size.”

“And I’ll get the keys from the living room,” I said. “And then Monty can give me the once over in the bedroom.”

Monty had come into the kitchen, accompanied by Madge, the retired anaesthetist, who I hadn’t expected to see. Mm, obviously looks like Monty and Madge are a couple.

When I returned in less than a minute, I said to Sparky, “There are the keys to the Aston and the flat, the full address and postcode is written on this Post-it and the code for the burglar alarm is encircled under the address.”

“Great,” Jane said, “we’ll call you as soon as we’re on our way and lost any cars that follow.”

“We’re just going to wait until after Monty gives me a quick check over,” I said, “then we’ll leave maybe 10 to 15 minutes after you, as we are going in the same general direction of Sussex. If we are followed by the press, we’ll pop into the Wandsworth depot and either grab the minibus or another van and drive out the back way through the industrial estate.”