Chapter 2: Zhuangzi’s Dream of Butterflies

At first I thought I was dreaming.

The first life I remembered was a woman weaving at home. I didn’t know what dynasty it was. Later, after I woke up, I looked up the information and concluded that it should be the Southern Tang Dynasty, because I heard the name Fan Zhigu from my brother.

At first I didn’t know what my brother and I were called. I only knew that the villagers called my brother Xia Bo and me Qiu Niang. I guess we were born in summer and autumn.

Xia Bo was about four or five years older than me. He went out hunting every day. The money he earned was either to help with the family expenses or to borrow books to read.

I don’t know when we lost our parents. I can’t dream about things when I was younger. I was already a marriageable age when I first appeared.

We depended on each other and lived a pretty good life.

I heard that the north had been attacking us, and the tax burden was getting higher and higher. I watched Xia Bo go out hunting before dawn every day and come back at sunset. After returning, he had to continue studying. I was very worried.

Fortunately, this day is finally coming to an end. Xia Bo passed the imperial examination and was sent to a place to serve as an official appointed by the court.

The first thing Xia Bo did after returning to the village was to take me to the place where he was working, but on the way to the station, I heard that the Southern Tang surrendered to the Northern Song Dynasty.

Now Xia Bo and I are in a difficult situation. It is not the same dynasty in that place. Who will recognize the officials appointed by the previous dynasty who have not yet taken office?

We all came from the village and have never seen any big scenes. We know that we dare not take the risk to go to the place where we are working after the change of dynasties. Xia Bo decided to see the Northern Song Dynasty’s attitude before making plans. If they arrested all the officials of the previous dynasty, he would definitely not fall into the trap.

We happened to come across a village full of refugees who had come here to escape the war. Soldiers had been recruited here before, and there was a plague five years ago. The whole village was empty. In the past one or two years, some homeless people who had no place to retreat moved into this village to live. Fortunately, the plague had passed, and they lived in peace and gradually formed a village of hundreds of families.

We didn’t say we were brother and sister for some reason. Xia Bo said that my Qiu Niang was his wife. The village chief saw that we were pitiful and rare young and strong, so he gave us a shabby little house and let us live there.

I asked Xia Bo why he said he was his wife. He closed the doors and windows and said, “If they knew we were brother and sister, there would be two hidden dangers. First, they don’t know how to settle us. These houses are all shabby small houses, and there is no separation of two rooms at all. Second, I saw that there are many old bachelors here. If I said I was a sister, I was worried that they would do something bad to you.”

Facts proved that Xia Bo was right. Those old men who had never been in contact with women always chatted with me when I went out during the day. I felt disgusted and felt that I was far from the simple villagers in my hometown.

Several times, someone directly touched my arm: “Young lady, why are you so white? Is it because your husband doesn’t let you go out?”

Xia Bo heard these news from others after he came back from hunting, and he seemed unhappy.

We even heard someone peeping outside in the middle of the night, and I was so scared that I had to quickly shrink into Xia Bo’s room. Of course, he slept on the floor and I slept on the bed.

However, the next day I heard rumors that we slept in separate rooms, Xia Bo was not good, he was a eunuch, and we were fake couples.

One day, after Xia Bo came back, he sat at the dinner table in silence. I asked him what was wrong. He looked at me for a long time before slowly saying, “Let’s sleep in the same bed tonight.”

I thought I had heard it wrong, and my face flushed. I asked, “Brother, what are you talking about?”

“Qiuniang, I’m really scared. Their desire for you is becoming more and more obvious. If they find out that we sleep in separate rooms, I’m worried that one day when I go out hunting, you will be defiled by these hooligans.” Xia Bo’s hands held the chopsticks tightly, and the veins on his hands were bulging.

I didn’t know why I felt a little happy in my heart after hearing this. I nodded naturally and said nothing.

At night, I came to Xia Bo’s door. He was lying on the bed with his back to me. I whispered, “I’m coming in.”

He didn’t react at all until I took off my shoes and got into bed. He shook a little.

I saw a suspicious shadow outside the window, so I hugged Xia Bo and whispered, “Brother, they are outside.”

Xia Bo felt my nervousness, he held my shaking little hand, and finally turned around. We looked at each other and said, “You sleep inside, I’ll block you outside.”

When he stepped over me and turned around, the back of my hand touched his bulge. I knew that this was a symbol of the difference between men and women, but I had never seen it. I was just taught from childhood that this was the part that could only be seen between husband and wife.

I don’t know where I got the courage from, I dared to ask, “Brother, what is the bulge below you?”

Xia Bo blushed when I asked this question, and he said unhappily, “Sleep, don’t ask so many questions.”

We slept like this for several days, and nothing special happened. We were half a foot apart from each other from beginning to end, and there was no physical contact.

The gossip in the village seemed to be less.

Two months passed like this, and the old women in the village always asked me to boil epimedium. I don’t know why they said so, until Xia Bo came back one time and was depressed again.

When I saw his expression, I remembered what happened two months ago, so I asked him, “What happened to my brother?”

“Nothing, don’t worry about it, just eat.” This time, Xia Bo did not answer my question, but said, “Also, from today on, don’t call me brother, call me A Xia.”

It was time to sleep again at night. I usually lay on the inside, and Xia Bo lay on the outside with his back to me. I turned around and looked at his back, and the corner of my eyes swept the dark shadows moving outside the window again.

“A Xia, they are here again.” I whispered behind him.

Xia Bo did not move, and seemed to have fallen asleep. Anyway, I don’t know why these people are wandering outside in the middle of the night. I heard that there are some animals and insects that can be caught and eaten at night.

After a long time, Xia Bo turned around. He probably didn’t expect that I, who usually sleep with my back to him, would face him today and still not fall asleep.

Under the moonlight, Xia Bo reached out and touched my face for the first time. He said in a very low voice: “It would be great if Aqiu was not my sister.”

After hearing this, my heart was throbbing. I had a lot to say, but I couldn’t say it because I didn’t have the cultural level. The contradictions and entanglements surged in my heart. After holding it back for a long time, I said the same sentence: “It would be great if Axia was not my brother.”

When Xia Bo heard what I said, he looked at my shining eyes and stayed still for a long time. He said: “In this chaotic world, we don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Maybe the Song State will be destroyed by the Qi State, Chen State, or Han State. I don’t know when I will be pulled into the army and die in obscurity on the battlefield.”

“Axia will not die!” I was extremely nervous when I heard the word death, and I trembled all over, as if he would really be caught and sent to fight tomorrow.

“Silly girl, there is no war for now. Li Yu has surrendered. This war cannot be won in a short time.”

“But I heard from my grandma in the village that there is a Wuyue Kingdom in the east. If there is a war, will they ask you to go?” I knew there was a country in the east a long time ago, but now that the two things are linked together, it has become a kind of fear.

Xia Bo was silent. She looked at my face that was about to cry and wiped my tears with her fingers: “Let me see the situation in the county. I heard that the Song State accepted all the officials of the Tang State. I plan to try my luck and see if I can take office.”

“Well...” I stopped crying and touched his fingers.

“Aqiu, I hate it so much. Why are we brother and sister?” Xia Bo suddenly said.

“Isn’t it good that Age is my brother? Doesn’t Age want Aqiu?” When I heard such words, I was confused and confused, fearing that Xia Bo would not want me.

“That’s not what I meant. I meant that it would be nice if Qiu wasn’t my sister but my wife.” Xia Bo hesitated for a long time before saying this.

I looked at the occasional flickering shadow outside the window. Hearing this confession, my heart finally encouraged me to say this: “Among the villagers in this village, we are husband and wife.”

Hearing this, Xia Bo bit his lower lip, as if he was struggling violently. He shook his head, turned his back to me and said, “Go to sleep.”

I don’t know what happened to him. I almost didn’t sleep that night.

After a few days, Xia Bo decided to go to the county town to see the situation. It takes more than three days to go back and forth from the county town to this small village. He told me to stay at home and not worry too much.

Xia Bo was normal in the first few days after he went out, but he didn’t come back on the fourth day. The second-rate people in the village began to touch me and even said, “Qiuniang, did your Xia Bo meet bandits? If you don’t come back, come to my house to sleep.”

Blatantly.

At this time, I missed Xia Bo very much. I was afraid that he really met bandits as those people said. After all, the dynasty has changed now, and most of them are bandits.

Fortunately, the aunt in the village helped me drive away the second-rate people and comforted me that the mountain road was difficult to walk, and it was normal to walk for one or two days.

I have never tried to leave Xia Bo for so long. Why hasn’t Xia Bo come back for seven days?

I have been worried these days. In the past, some people in my hometown went far away and never came back. It was just that someone reported that he died in a foreign land and his body was buried on the spot.

The more I think about it, the more scared I am. I think of what he said to me before going to bed a few days ago, “It would be great if I were his wife.”

Yes, if I am not his sister in this life, then we can be together openly for a lifetime. He will eventually marry and have children, and I may also marry someone I don’t know.

But why, deep in my heart, there is a feeling of unwillingness?

I have never been to school, so I don’t know how to explain this. Xia Bo’s words are like a brand in my heart, and I even regret it a little.

If this farewell is the last farewell, then do I need a hug from him?

I like Xia Bo, and it seems that it has surpassed the affection between brothers and sisters. I want to be his wife and be with him for the rest of my life.

I don’t want him to marry and have children, and I am willing to be his bride.

Anyway, everyone in this village thinks we are husband and wife.

Who knows us outside our hometown?

I clenched my fists tightly, and my tears were already dripping to the ground. I hate it so much!

I finally understand what Xia Bo meant by “hate” that day!

I hate it too!

But what’s the use of hate? Xia Bo is gone, and I don’t know where he is now. God has given us the opportunity to be husband and wife in the eyes of others for so long, and I should be satisfied.

I want to be a real husband and wife with Xia Bo!

Maybe in the next life, it’s impossible in this life.

“Why are you crying?” Just when I couldn’t stop crying, I heard a very familiar voice. I looked up and saw that it was Xia Bo!

“Ah ... Xia Bo! You’re back!” I stood up and ran towards him crying, hugging him tightly.

“Aqiu, what’s wrong with you? Did someone bully you? I’ll take care of him!” Xia Bo heard me crying so miserably and thought I was bullied by the villagers.

I shook my head and cried, “Nothing ... nothing ... I was afraid that you wouldn’t ... why did you ... go for so long?”

Xia Bo hugged me, touched my head as usual and said, “I’m sorry, I should have come back earlier. I went there to inquire and found that there was not much change after Song State took over here, so I walked to the government office with courage. The county magistrate there was a northerner who was sent here on behalf of him. He spent a day checking my identity after knowing that I was about to take office. Then he said that things of the previous dynasty could not be done, but seeing that I was knowledgeable, he reported to the court that I could be the chief clerk in the city, and I agreed.”

“Great! Brother is an official!” I shouted happily, and then I realized that I had said the wrong thing: “A Xia is an official!”

“I told the county magistrate that I wanted to go home and pick up ... pick up my wife.” Xia Bo’s words made my heart beat, and I looked up at him in disbelief.

“I’ve thought about it. No one here knows the true relationship between you and me. When we go to the county town, no one will know us. In this era, it’s already a blessing to be alive. I don’t want to deceive myself anymore. I like you, Qiu. I not only want you to be my sister, but I also want you to be my wife.” Xia Bo hugged me and said what he had been holding in his heart for a long time.

“Brother, me too. Qiu is really scared these days. I’m afraid I won’t see you again. I don’t want to be just your sister. I want to be your wife.” I couldn’t help it anymore and cried and said what I felt.

Xia Bo hugged me tightly and we stopped talking.

At night, I went to Xia Bo’s room as usual, but this time was different. I was very nervous. The moment he came back, I really wanted to give everything I had. Of course, it was the same now, but I was a little more nervous.

Xia Bo still had his back to me today. I pretended to be calm and got into the bed. As soon as I got in, he turned around.

He was not wearing anything!

I swallowed my saliva all of a sudden. From the village grandma, I learned that couples should do what couples do, which is to put the man’s unique thing under the woman.

I felt a pillar between my legs.

I had tried to be touched by this bulge before, but it was not as direct and rough as today. This thing just went straight into my legs.

“I read the books of sages and found that my feelings for you, Aqiu, have long gone beyond brother and sister. I know this is a rebellious thing, but we have been dependent on each other since childhood. In this chaotic world, we are in danger of losing our lives. There may be a war tomorrow, or some bandits may come to the village to slaughter. I don’t want to be brother and sister with Aqiu in this life. What I am going to do today will definitely be struck by lightning. I am willing to bear it all by myself, and it has nothing to do with Aqiu.” Xia Bo hugged me and said in my ear, as if he was going to make an oath for what was to come.

“I haven’t read books, but I also know that this matter is consensual. I don’t know any sages’ principles, I only know that I love Axia, and these things should not be borne by you alone.” I also reached out and hugged him, hugging him as a wife for the first time.