Chapter 1

My mother was born in an ordinary rural family in northern Jiangsu. She was the youngest of my grandfather’s six children and the only daughter.

In the 1950s, there was no obvious gap between the rich and the poor in rural China. The main difference was the number of work points each family earned through labor. Since my mother had five older brothers, the family did not urgently need her as a laborer, so she was able to continue to go to school instead of interrupting her studies prematurely like her five uncles.

Although my mother, who graduated from high school, did not have a high level of education, she had always been eager to pursue knowledge, so she found an accounting job in a unit under the Nanjing Materials Bureau through connections. Later, through an introduction, she met my father, who was from the same hometown and worked in Nanjing, and they got to know each other and got married. However, in the factional struggles of the Cultural Revolution, fate was fickle. My father was dismissed from his post and returned to his hometown because his post was considered wrong. In addition, he was beaten by force, resulting in lifelong physical disability and mental pain. In order to avoid implicating my mother, my grandfather’s family asked for a divorce, but this initiative was strongly opposed by my grandfather and uncles because my mother was two months pregnant at this time.

I believe that most people’s memory starts at the age of seven or eight, and my memory also gradually became clearer from that time.

I was 18 years old that year, and this was a year that brought great changes to my mother and my family.

The wave of reform has made our city change rapidly. My mother could not resist the persuasion of her colleagues and resigned from the small unit of the Material Bureau. Relying on the relationship with her former colleagues, she started a plywood business. I, who already lived in the school, of course did not know how my mother ran her business, but from the update of the furniture at home and my mother no longer strictly controlling my pocket money, I realized that my family began to become richer and richer, and my home became more lively and energetic, and more relatives from my hometown visited me.

One year later, during the summer vacation of my first year in high school, my grandfather, who rarely came to the city, knocked on my door unexpectedly. My mother was very happy that her father came to her home from so far away, so she also invited me to come and sit with my grandfather.

Grandfather asked me and my mother about some things in life, and then suddenly stopped talking, looking worried, so my mother asked: “Dad, are you okay? If you need money, just tell me.” Grandfather coughed and said: “It’s okay, it’s okay, as long as you live well.” Then he lowered his head, but my mother and I knew that he must be okay, so my mother asked: “Is it something else?” Grandfather looked at me without comment, as if there was something he couldn’t say in front of me, so my mother used her eyes to send me away and asked me to close the door. In fact, my mother and I could guess what grandfather was going to say. He was going to touch the thing that my mother and I were most reluctant to mention in our hearts------my father. I stood quietly outside the door, anticipating what was going to happen. Grandfather said, “I heard a few days ago that the child’s grandfather was seriously ill. I think you should take the child back to see him, so that people won’t laugh at us for being unreasonable. After all, you haven’t divorced. Why don’t you take some time to go back?”

Mom didn’t say anything, and the two of us were frozen in the room. Finally, it was grandfather who said, “I know I shouldn’t have opposed your divorce, but things have come to this. I won’t say more. I’ll go back by car first.”

After sending grandfather away, mother didn’t say anything for a long time. She sat in the room blankly. Seeing mother’s hesitation, I felt very sad. I walked over to her and said, “Mom, go back. I’ll accompany you. We’ll be back after one day.” Mom raised her head and looked at me with a very weak look.

A few days later, my mother and I packed up and got on the car to go home. This was a completely unfamiliar road, a road I had never set foot on from birth to 18 years old. The countryside is still very poor. Through the car window, what came into view were the dilapidated villages on both sides and the pothole-filled dirt road in front of us. My mother held my hand tightly along the way, making me feel her nervousness. After 200 kilometers of bumps, we arrived at the town where my grandfather’s village was located. As soon as we got off the car, my uncle in the distance drove a tractor to greet us: “Sister-in-law, you are back, get in the car, everyone is waiting at home.”

My mother nodded and said nothing, and then pulled me to sit on the tractor with a cotton mattress already laid.

It is obvious that my grandfather’s family has made preparations. Many people of the same clan gathered in the yard. I don’t know if it is to welcome my mother and me, or to show the power of the family?

Because I don’t know everyone here, no one greeted us. My mother and I stood in the yard blankly and accepted the scrutiny of everyone. Finally, my uncle came over and said, “Sister-in-law, come in. Actually, Dad is fine. He just coughs. My brother is much better than before.”

My mother took my hand and followed my uncle into the house. This is a typical farmhouse in northern Jiangsu. There is a large square table in the middle of the room, and two wooden chairs on both sides of the table. I can guess that the old man sitting on the chair is my grandfather, with an extremely ordinary face.

He put his hands on his knees, hunched his back, raised his head, and looked at my mother and me. The middle-aged man on the small stool next to him did not look at us. He tilted his head and mumbled something in his mouth. His eyes were dazed and sometimes focused as if he was staring at something.

I leaned tightly against my mother’s side, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I didn’t believe that this was my father.

At this time, my grandmother wiped her hands and walked in and said, “Ask your sister-in-law to sit down.” After that, she chatted with my mother one sentence at a time. My uncle pulled over a chair and said, “Sister-in-law, sit down, let the children go out to play.” After that, he pulled my hand and pulled me out.

The people in the yard did not leave, and gathered in groups of three or five, muttering in low voices.

“This is the wife that the eldest brother married when he lived in the city. It’s been more than ten years.”

“Has she never come back since she got married?”

“No, something happened, so she lives alone in the city with her child.”

“Then she must be over 30 years old.”

“About the same.”

“Oh my god, she’s five or six years older than me, so how come she looks younger than me?”

“Of course women in the city are younger than us, what do they eat and drink?”

“Well, look at her figure, she’s not as thick as a barrel as you.”

“You’re not much better than me, hahahaha.”

“At this age, she’s so good-looking, and the men in the city are so bad, they must have had an affair.”

“Of course, how many can keep it.”

That night I went to sleep in my uncle’s room. Maybe it was because I was in someone else’s house. I woke up very early the next day, and my uncle was still sleeping. I quietly got up and strolled in the yard. As I was strolling, I suddenly heard voices coming from my grandmother’s room. I went over and saw my mother and grandmother talking.

“Are you going back today?” Grandma said.

“Yes, there are things to do there,” said Mom.

“When you are free in the future, bring the children back more often.”

“Yes”

My mother and I did not have breakfast, but left a little money, and then set off on the road back to Nanjing. My mother did not say a word along the way, and I felt her low mood.

When we arrived in Nanjing, it was almost 3 o’clock in the afternoon. Mom went straight into her room. I sat alone on the sofa in the living room. The house was very quiet, with only the stereotyped and regular ticking sound of the wall clock.

Suddenly, there was a sobbing sound from my mother’s room. Ah, my mother was crying. This was the first time I heard my mother cry from the time I was born to the age of 18. It was a suppressed sound, a wronged sound, and a released sound. This cry made me uneasy. I stood at the door of my mother’s room at a loss, not knowing what to say to comfort her. Suddenly, I couldn’t control myself and started crying. My mother opened the door, patted my head and said, “Go back to the room and rest for a while. Mom is fine.” “Mom, don’t cry. I feel very uncomfortable when I hear you cry.” “Well, Mom is fine. I won’t cry anymore.” After saying that, she closed the door again. Maybe I was really tired after two days of travel. I fell asleep in a daze after returning to my room. When I woke up, it was almost evening. There was a sound of chopping vegetables in the kitchen outside. It should be my mother preparing dinner. Just when I got up and opened the door, I found a note stuffed in the crack of the door. The content on it made me unforgettable for life. “Baby, this is the first time that I treat you as an adult and talk to you about family matters, even though you are only 18 years old. You heard me cry, and you also want to know why I cried. It’s not because of your grandpa and your father’s illness, but because I cried for myself. I feel wronged and depressed.

Since the day your father left us, I have been working hard to maintain this family. I have no complaints about these, nor do I complain about your grandfather preventing me from getting a divorce, because this was the choice I made at the beginning.

You have seen the situation at home, and this is why I don’t want to take you home. I don’t want you to see your father’s appearance and give you any psychological burden. I hope you understand me.

Your father and I have been estranged for so many years, and the feelings we had back then have long faded in the process of raising you and working hard for this family day and night, and can even be forgotten, but I know that I am There is still an unbroken engagement, so I try my best to maintain this family.

But mom is a woman, mom is very tired, I can bear the physical tiredness, but who can share the depression in my heart, who can defend me for the gossip in society, who can explain my family’s misunderstanding of me.

Mom cried today, and felt relieved. She didn’t feel that she owed anyone anything, and she no longer had any burden, because mom was worthy of them. We have to continue to live in the future, right? I believe you can understand and support mom.”

After reading mom’s message, I cried again. This is the first time mom has formally communicated with me as a member of the family. In her heart, I have become a sensible child, a child she can talk to and get understanding.