Chapter 1

After the pandemic went away, I found myself in a tough situation. During my first year of university, I was eager to dive into computer engineering, believing that AI innovation would shape the future. During the second year, I had a girlfriend, Haley, who was also studying in the same faculty, and our relationship had been going well. However, we hadn’t taken things to the bedroom yet. One day, I planned a surprise to celebrate her scholarship acceptance, bringing a nice bottle of wine. I asked her roommate for a spare key to her apartment and headed over. But when I opened the door to her apartment, poured some wine, and walked into her room, what I saw shattered me. She was in bed with her legs apart with a stranger humping between her legs.

That moment broke my world. I ghosted her, began skipping classes—where she studied—and avoided her on campus. Before long, I became increasingly isolated and absent from lectures, and my grades began to slip. My passion for the degree faded along with the relationship. I withdrew into my room and sank into depression, feeling like I didn’t want to move on. After a horrible final exam, I decided to drop out. It felt like a defeat, but I knew it was necessary for my mental health. Now, with nowhere else to go, I had no choice but to return home.

Back at home, things felt different. I felt a growing distance between me and my family. Despite being gone for only two years, I sensed a thin wall had formed, something unidentifiable separating me from them. My younger sister, Lily, who used to be so close to me, now seemed unsure of how to talk to me. My parents, too, were surprised that I had dropped out of university without consulting them first. They often reminded me of the money they had spent to send me to school, and I could feel the weight of their expectations.

Days at home began to blend into a monotonous routine—searching for new universities to apply to, struggling to meet application deadlines, and attending virtual events that rarely led to anything productive. The weight of my decision hung over me, and I felt pressured to help around the house to pass the time, all the while grappling with my growing sense of inadequacy. I often wondered if I would ever find a new university, or if I would remain stuck in this limbo, forever haunted by the feeling that I had made a mistake by leaving school in the first place.

My parents, though trying to be supportive, were clearly concerned. I could sense their underlying worry. They had seen me work so hard for years in high school, and now, I was back under the same roof, unable to take the next step.

Lily, my sister, had changed a lot. She had grown up during the pandemic. Though we spent more time together than we had in years, it felt like we were just going through our own routines side by side, not really connecting. When I asked about her plans for university, her response shocked me. She said she didn’t want to go to college and planned to go straight into work. When I asked what kind of work line she had in mind, she teased me, saying it was probably OnlyFans.

As the weeks turned into months, I tried to keep my spirits up. I applied to every university I could find, even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted but with each rejection email, the self-doubt crept in.

One evening, as I sat at the dinner table with my family, Dad looked over at me and said, “You know, maybe university isn’t for you. And that’s okay, son.”

His words were meant to comfort me, but it was hard to shake the feeling of being left behind. I saw friends from university posting on social media about their new classes and travels while I was still at home, trying to figure out my next move. The comparisons were inevitable, and they weighed heavily on me.

One night, after finishing my homework, I went into the kitchen to grab a snack. Dad had left his laptop open on the counter, and the screen was still on. Curiosity got the better of me, and I couldn’t resist. I leaned closer and saw a folder named “Project Work.” I hesitated for a moment but couldn’t help myself. I clicked it, and what I saw made my heart race.

Adult videos were showing naked people engaged in sexual acts. At first, I thought it was a mistake. I wondered, “Why is my dad being so careless?” But as I scrolled through the thumbnails, my stomach turned. There were clips of my Mom and sister naked and playing with themselves in a way I never could have imagined. I clicked through a few clips, and Dad appeared in some, naked as well. In one of them, I saw Dad play with Mom’s body which is much more O.K. than another clip of him sliding a fat dildo in and out of Lily’s vagina and making her climax in front of the camera. My jaw dropped. It felt like I had accidentally stumbled into a dark, horrifying world.