Chapter 6

When I got home from speaking to Father Nico, I slammed the front door behind me. The two people I trusted the most in the world—my mother and my priest—had both betrayed me. I had no one else to go for help. The doppelganger won. What was to become of me? That thing in the mirror would control me and turn me into the monster it was.

“Emily,” my mother shouted.

The last thing I wanted at the moment was to speak to my mother. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, wanting to curl up and die. I had lived my entire life doing good, and what had I gotten for it? A monster in my mirror that I couldn’t escape. A priest who thought I was lying or insane. A mother who now fought with me. I ran to my bedroom and slammed another door behind me. I glanced at the mirror. Was it lurking? Waiting for me? I dived onto the floor and wiggled underneath my bed, clamping my hands over my ears. If the doppelganger wanted to talk to me, torment me, I didn’t want to hear.

Cowering underneath my bed, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I cried and cried. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t try to stop. My life was over. Suicide was a huge sin, but what choice did I have? Either end my life or be controlled by the devil. That’s what the image in the mirror was. I was sure of it now. Look at the sinful thoughts it had filled my mind with in the movie theater and then the feelings that overwhelmed me on the porch. And then look what it had made me do that night, masturbating like a possessed woman, a sex starved woman. And it didn’t end there. It made me watch my mother masturbate.

But had that even happened? Maybe the devil made me think I was watching her. She wouldn’t do that. I remembered the first time my mother had caught me touching myself during a bath. She had gotten so angry and told me that it was a mortal sin. She had made me confess it to my priest and to promise never to do it again. All these years since, I had kept that promise. From time to time, I had the urge, but fought it, never using my fingers, using my pillow when I couldn’t fight it any longer. And then I would confess my use of the pillow for self-gratification to Father Nico who would absolve me. So if my mother believed touching oneself down there was that big of a sin, she surely wouldn’t do it. The doppelganger had gotten into my mind and made me think I witnessed her doing it. It had said it waited for five days before Halloween to appear. If it could make me believe something that hadn’t happened, how strong would it get as Halloween got closer? What would happen on Halloween? I was going to be at a party with Corbin and our friends. Would they be in danger? What would it make me do in front of them?

Ending my life was the only answer.

Still lying on my belly with my hands pressed to my ears, the unthinkable happened. My ankles were grabbed. I screamed while being dragged out from underneath the bed. The devil had come out of the mirror and found me. What was it going to do to me?

I screamed and screamed and screamed.

That didn’t stop the devil. I kept screaming as I slid backward. When my head came out into the open, I clamped my eyes shut tight and prayed. The devil’s hands grabbed my wrists and pulled my hands off my ears. I fought to keep them there, but soon they were pressed to the floor.

“Emily, what are you doing?” my mother asked.

I stopped screaming and, opening my eyes, lifted my head off the floor and turned to see my mother kneeling next to me, hovering over me as she pinned my hands to the floor. She let go and stood up. With her hands on her hips, she stared down at me. Not in anger. In fright.

I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything. I just gawked at her, my eyes puffy and watery. Still trembling. My throat sore from screaming. My mother plopped down on the side of the bed.

“Emily, I came to apologize,” she said. “What were you doing under the bed? And why did you scream?”

All of a sudden, I felt like a little girl. “I was scared.”

“Of what?”

I stuck my bottom lip out. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Well, get up here. I think it’s about time we did talk.” She patted the mattress next to her. “C’mon, sit next to me.”

I scrambled to my feet and sat next to my mother. I felt foolish for having hid under the bed and thinking the devil had grabbed my ankles. I tried to focus on my mother’s face, but kept glancing at the mirror. Why didn’t the doppelganger come out now that my mother was in the room? Maybe because there was no such thing and Father Nico was right. That it was in my mind. No one but me ever saw it so maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe I was going crazy.

“Emily,” my mother said, “I don’t want us to have secrets from each other. I wish you would tell me why you were scared, but I’m not going to make you. After all, I’ve been keeping secrets from you, too. I want us to be open with each other. No more secrets. You can ask me anything and I’ll answer you honestly. Ask me something.”

“Do you masturbate?”

My mother blushed a bright red. It struck me how personal the question was, but it was the first question that popped in my head because I needed to know if what I had seen was real, or had the doppelganger made me think it was real.

“Oh my!” my mother said. “I didn’t expect that.”

I felt bad and took my mother’s hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that.”

My mother gave me a weak smile. “I told you, you can ask me anything. No secrets. Yes, honey, I do sometimes.”

I yanked my hands from hers. “You do?! But you said it was a sin.”

“The Catholic Church says it is. It says something like our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and should be used in accordance with God’s plan. And that masturbation is a violation of the sanctity of our bodies. But sometimes I get lonely when your father is away on business and I do it.”

“Do you tell Father Nico about it in confession?”

“No, I don’t feel the need to confess that I do it. It seems a natural thing to do.”

“But you told me it wasn’t!” I shouted. “You yelled at me when you caught me doing it when I was little and made me promise never to do it again.”

My mother’s eyes watered. “I’m sorry. I really am. I made a lot of mistakes. Emily, that’s what I want to talk to you about.”

“Do you know how hard it’s been for me all these years?”

My mother’s eyes opened wide. “You mean you don’t masturbate?”

I felt my cheeks burning. “Not by touching myself. I promised you I wouldn’t. I sort of use my pillow, like have it between my legs. And then I feel guilty and confess it to Father Nico. All my life I’ve been ashamed for doing it and thought I would go to hell. It’s been horrible.”

My mother grabbed my hands and held them on her thigh. “I’m so sorry. I was following Father O’Malley’s guidance. I’m so sorry.”

“You mean Father Nico, right? When you caught me, Father Nico was our priest. Did you tell Father Nico what I did and did he tell you to tell me never to masturbate?”

“No, I never spoke to Father Nico about that. It was before him. Before I caught you doing it. It was Father O’Malley.”

“Him again!” I spit out. “What’s he got to do with me?”

Sadness swept across my mother’s face. “Honey, that’s what I came here to talk to you about. I’ve been keeping it a secret for too long. I owe it to you to tell you the truth.”