Chapter 3

Paul’s tray rattled onto Andrew’s desk and he pushed aside a few papers, making some more room. Andrew eyed the tray — loaded up with everything the cafeteria had on offer today — bemused, while Paul dragged a chair over.

The two teachers had lunch in Andrew’s classroom a couple-few times a week during their off period. They were less likely to be interrupted here than if they had lunch in Paul’s office near the boys’ locker room.

On the outside, and maybe even a little further in, they seemed like complete opposites: Paul was tall, strong, and black, with a bushy beard and a football coach’s voice that could boom over any crowd without even trying.

Andrew could get attention, too, he just was usually a little subtler about it. But he was definitely wispier, squishier, and, although he could work up a decently swarthy tan, was as white as white could be in ways beyond skin color.

There were only so many teachers around their age here, so when they’d both started a decade ago, they fell in together and quickly found their personalities fit with each other perfectly.

“I don’t understand how you don’t end up taking a nap all afternoon with a lunch like that every day,” Andrew quipped.

“Psh, what makes you think I don’t? I just send ‘em out to run the track ‘til the bell rings.”

That got a smile from Andrew.

“Oh man, I was thinking of you during that meeting this morning,” Paul said, spreading ketchup liberally over everything on his tray. Andrew had long since stopped being weirded out by it. “When Lonnie was shoveling pancake into his mouth while he gave that entire update on the field trip plans? I was like ‘oh man, Andrew is about to fucking lose it!’”

Andrew winced and laughed.

“Oh my Godddd,” he groaned. “I know, I don’t understand it. Do people seriously have to fucking always have something in their mouth during these things? And insist on fucking talking?? I kept hoping he’d choke to death on it.”

“So...” Paul said after swallowing a bite of ketchup with some chicken sandwich in it. He looked at Andrew with excited impatience, imploring with his hands. “Come on! Quit beating around the bush! Tell me all about it!”

Andrew grinned sheepishly. He’d known this was coming. Of course Paul would want to know about his one-night stand over the weekend.

“Well...” Andrew started, not really sure how to finish. “Umm...”

“Yeah?”

“Well I mean it happened, sort of, so, yeah. It was ... I guess it was good?”

“How can it sort of happen??” Paul said incredulously. “You got yourself some pussy or you didn’t! And it was good or it wasn’t!” Paul began again, with a patient grimace. “Okay, let’s start with the basics. What was she like? She hot?”

Andrew wagged his head from side to side. “Yeah, I mean — yes. She was definitely hot. She was ... not exactly what I was expecting I guess, but...”

“Hey, that’s good! Open yourself up to the universe of pussy, and —”

“Yeah, yeah, and the universe of pussy blah blah blah.” They both laughed. Andrew took another bite, then started at the top. “Okay, so she was 23, which was like, man ... what am I doing, you know?”

“As in like, ‘man, what am I doing ... hitting the damn jackpot on my first match out of the gate??’”

Andrew’s eyes narrowed and he pursed his lips tightly, letting Paul know that wasn’t exactly what he’d meant, no.

“I mean, she was definitely really, really sexy. But it was also like, I dunno, dude, I’m 36 years old. It was like ... it was uncomfortably close to banging a student, you know? Like, I coulda been her teacher when she was in high school. It was kinda weird.”

Paul looked skeptical. “Right. Okay. So she wasn’t 50 years old. Strike one! I bet it just got worse from there, huh.”

Andrew laughed and responded with an expression that he hoped translated to “oh, just you wait.” He swallowed a bite and then continued.

“I felt even older because she was like, all tatted up — way, way cooler than me, you know?”

Paul shrugged, not shocked. “Well yeah, that was kind of a given, no surprise there.”

Andrew kept going, not missing a beat. “And she had this like, green hair on top in like a ... not a mohawk but like a—” He tried to demonstrate with his hands, which must’ve been enough.

“A fauxhawk?”

“Sure.” Andrew shrugged. When he got his haircut, he just told the stylist to cut it “shorter.”

“Okay, just move on,” Paul said. “So she’s cleared the very high bar of being cooler than you.”

“Well, so ... you know, one thing led to another and...”

“And??” Paul said. “You’re skipping the good part!”

“I, uh ... I ate her out,” Andrew said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Okay, that’s a good start!” Paul exclaimed. He was excited for his buddy now. “You bring it? I mean, bring it?”

“Honestly? Fuck yeah I did,” Andrew said with what he thought was a well-earned smile.

“My boy!” Paul high-fived him. “Okay, and then...?”

“ ... yeah ... that was kind of it.”

Paul just stared, then covered his face in his hands. When he pulled them away, he still looked like he couldn’t believe it. “She was just like ‘all right, thanks, see ya?’”

“Umm, no ... actually...” Andrew wasn’t sure what to say about the rest of the night, so just came out with it. “She actually stayed the night, but right before I’m about to fall asleep, she ... told me her mom just died.”

Paul froze, his mouth agape, unsure if Andrew was joking.

“Like ... like that day?” Paul asked.

Andrew nodded, an empty smile on his face. “Hand to God, 100 percent not a joke.”

Paul shook his head, bewildered. “Wow. That’s like — I mean, hey, that’s awful, geez — but...” He couldn’t wipe the trace of a smile off his face as he finished a spoonful of ketchup and whatever was underneath it.

When they made eye contact, Paul started to crack up laughing, although they both knew it wasn’t exactly funny.

“Dude, what the fuck! Only you. Seriously. Only you could end a one-night stand without actually having sex, and then the girl tells you her mom died and stays the night. I mean...”

Paul started into another laughing fit just as another tray clattered onto a student desk.

Heather, the third heat to their trio, dragged the desk closer to where the other two were sitting. About as tall as Andrew, maybe a smidge taller, Heather was a fourth-grade teacher around the same age as the other two. Today she was wearing a typical long skirt with a thin, brown cardigan over a yellow, short-sleeved blouse, and her dark blonde hair was smartly done up into a ponytail.

The schedule in the elementary wing was a little different than at the high school, so when she had time to join them for lunch, she was always a little late — and always got stuck with the shorter desk.

“Damn, what’d I miss!” she said, her green eyes lighting up at the prospect of something hilarious happening.

Paul looked at her and started a fresh round of guffaws, holding up his hand for her to wait a minute while he caught his breath.

She put a forkful of salad into her mouth and was about to say something, then caught herself and took a second to finish chewing.

“By the way, Andrew, tooootally was looking for you this morning when Lonnie was shotgunning pancakes during the faculty meeting.”

“Hey I said that same thing!” Paul said, abruptly snapping out of his laughing fit.

“Okay, well, spill! Is this about Operation One-Night Stand??” she said, now that Paul was ready to resume the conversation.

Paul nodded emphatically. “You are not gonna believe this.” He gestured for Andrew to do the honors.

“What, did he not do it? Andrewww, come on, did you not do it? Tell me you opened yourself up to the universe of pussy,” she said, with a look she would give to one of her fourth graders if they made an excuse for why they didn’t have their homework.

Andrew groaned. “Yes, yesss, okay? I opened myself up to the universe of pussy!”

Heather went to high-five Paul, but Paul cautioned for her to wait a minute before getting too excited.

“Okay, I’m just gonna hit the highlights,” Andrew said, ticking them off on his fingers. “She was 23, had a lot of tattoos, had a fauxhawk—”

“Oooh, hottt!” Heather said. “Okay, well don’t let me stop you! Keep going!” She took another bite of her salad and eagerly motioned him on.

“Well ... I, uh, I ate her out—”

“Hoooo he’s still got it!” Heather interjected again, elbowing Paul.

“—and err ... then she told me her mom had just died.”

Heather’s fork froze midway to her mouth and she looked back and forth from Andrew to Paul and back again. Then she started giggling too.

“See?? Now you know why I was laughing!” Paul said.

“Oh. My. God,” Heather got out between laughs. “Only you!”

Andrew nodded, acknowledging how ridiculous the whole thing was.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s terrible, poor girl, that’s like, maybe the saddest thing I’ve ever heard,” Heather said, stopping herself mid-laugh. But then she resumed, undoubtedly imagining the awkwardness of what Andrew had gone through after all the handwringing he’d done beforehand about all the ways his one-night stand might go wrong.