Olga Kurylenko vs Zoë Saldaña

As Etaine, Centurion (2011); as Cataleya, Columbiana (2011).

The fighting pit at the heart of the starship Astra is a small gym-sized arena surfaced with blue rubber, surrounded on all sides by tiered seating for as many as 200 spectators. There are 63 today including myself, and into it stride what looks like a leather bikini-clad, blue-painted ancient warrior, and a dark cat-suited Hispanic modern gymnast of some kind. The slight untruth of this is given away by the fact they both have identical epee swords, and eye each other with obvious intent. Everybody has a vested interest in seeing how this will go, although mine is a bit different to the other 62.

This is not quite a contest of like versus like, but it’s close to it. Olga Kurylenko, in her persona as Etaine, a Pictish warrior from Roman times from the movie Centurion, is fast, fearless and apparently tireless, and utterly merciless to her enemies. Zoe Saldaña is certainly equally as nimble, with barely any less compunction about killing as fast and efficiently as possible those who deserve it or ‘need’ to be killed; for she is here as one Cataleya Restrepo, a Columbian assassin from the movie Columbiana. They are almost identical age, at 31 and 33 respectively when these movies came out.

We will call them Olga and Zoe, however, as that is fundamentally who they are despite having fully remembered and experienced lives and consciousnesses of their movie personas, and I am told they do also carry nuances of other characters they have played. Olga is number one seed because for me she is the consummate blend of model, actress, savage and romantic, with an intellect and versatility that would make her a real presence on New Olympus. Zoe’s career has become almost as colossal, although I was not so convinced with her Uhuru in the Star Trek films, and for me is more typecast.

Olga has the edge, but not much. She is driven by the prospect of a whole new life, and one of possible status, after the bitterness and tragedy of what befell her in Iron Age Scotland. Her family were murdered by the Romans, she had her tongue cut out and therefore does not speak (but can scream), and she vowed to pursue a lifetime of silent vengeance against them. In this she feels she has perhaps now done enough – a legion was slaughtered and heads rolled – and it is time to let it go and channel her energies to the stars, and perhaps sex as much as death. It was perhaps prescient of that Roman General (Dominic West) to guffaw he ‘didn’t know whether to fuck her or fight her’, before being faced by one-to-one combat with her!

Zoe’s story is a remarkable modern-day parallel. As a little girl, her parents were murdered by a Columbian drug baron and his men, but she was able to flee and became raised to be a highly honed assassin by her uncle. She also vowed vengeance, and you can see the movie to find out whether she achieved it, but at any rate she now sees that there is life beyond this. She too wants to be an influencer not a victim, but would respect and obey those who deserve it; which I hope would be me. Also carrying talents of a huntress from Avatar, as well as balletic abilities as herself, her movement and coordination will have to be the match of Olga’s sheer ‘total warriorship’. To some extent this is natural ability against trained technique, but may come down to who feels the least empathy for the other.

From the pale, blue-striped face of Olga comes a horrendous scream of adrenaline. She flexes her arms and points her sword at the ready, above her shoulder. Zoe does not give off any obvious fear about this, but her face fixes in seriousness and she adopts a crouching front-foot posture with could be either defence or attack. The crowd of their fellow contestants is murmuring rather than rowdy, with no apparent favouritism among them, but a sense of tension about whether the number one seed can resist this difficult draw; which I share, though I will not be dismayed by either outcome. I think both are equally deserving, although Olga is more interesting to me. It will all happen rather quickly, similar to professional fencing, for that is the unromanticised reality of it. There’s a hooter– it’s game on!