Chapter 12: I Dream of ... Jesus?

The next thing I knew, I was in a casino. Lights were flashing, people bustling, noises clanging. I couldn’t understand how I had gotten here. My first thought was that it was just a dream. I pinched myself and didn’t wake up. What the fuck? I continued to look around in confusion until I met eyes with a tall, burly man in a suit that now seemed very interested in me. My nerves struck hard, tingling all over. I swallowed hard and took off, ducking through rows of slot machines and trying not to bump into the crowd. I found a way through to another room full of tables with people playing cards. I stopped for a moment and looked around. It looked as though I had lost the man, who was no doubt security, and I was underage. I began to walk normally through the aisle between the tables. I tried to think of how I could’ve gotten to Las Vegas. Last I knew, I was in Florida on our way back to Vicky’s. Then I heard the man yell, “Hey!”

I turned to look, and sure enough it was him coming after me. I took off, bumping through a tray of drinks in a waitress’s hand. I looked hard for a way out and saw an exit sign over in the corner of the card room. I had to dodge someone getting out of their seat suddenly, but was able to turn the corner around the table. I didn’t hesitate to go through the door and quickly close it behind me. As soon as I did, I somehow knew I was somewhere else, but still in the same place. I was in a room with a single slot machine in the middle of it. I furled my brow and glared at the machine as I approached it. It was old, like, first of its kind old. I felt compelled toward it. The door behind me never opened. When I got closer to the machine, I saw that it needed a quarter. I fished around in my pockets, but there was no change, in fact, there was nothing in my pockets. That was when I noticed a well-dressed man in a fedora standing next to me. I felt like I should recognize him, but he looked like Frank Sinatra, and last I knew, he was dead.

“Try your luck, kid,” he said as he flicked a quarter. I watched it like it was in slow motion as it flipped and flew right into the slot of the machine. I heard it travel through the mechanisms and the rollers lit up. I looked back, but the man was gone. My confused look remained as I looked back at the machine and its long handle.

“Here goes nothing.” I pulled the handle and was shocked to watch the rollers stop at, “777”. The machine dinged and dinged as quarters spilled out into its tray. There was also some kind of alarm in the room and red lights were flashing. Suddenly, there were people everywhere. Some throwing confetti, some on unicycles blowing horns in a jovial tune. Everyone cheered loudly and suddenly there were two gorgeous women on either arm, both looking at me like they wanted me and nothing else. “What’s going on?” I asked one of them.

She didn’t answer, but as soon as I had asked it, a man came through the crowd, “You won, dude! You’re like, the hundred millionth winner on this machine!”

This man was not dressed like the others. He had long, brown hair with an untrimmed beard. He had on a tie-dye t-shirt, cargo shorts, and sandals. To top it off, he looked very high. “What exactly did I just win?”

The man laughed, but it was a goofy sounding laugh. “Dude, you just won, like, the best prize ever!”

His eyes were very expressive when he talked, as were his hands, but they had a gracefulness to them. “And ... what exactly is the best prize ever?”

His face became more serious as he got closer to me and put a hand on my shoulder, pointing at me with his other hand as he spoke, “Dude, exactly is such a harsh word, don’t you think?”

“Okay, this has to be a dream. What the fuck is going on?”

Everyone stopped what they were doing and became very serious, some quietly chatting to each other. “Alright, everyone,” he started as he looked around at them all. “Calm down. Danny and I need to have a talk.”

Just like that, everyone disappeared, the room disappeared. It all was replaced with clouds and everything was a lot brighter now. I looked down at my feet, but a layer of cloud was covering them. “Where are we now?”

“Where do you think, bro?” he said, arms wide.

I suddenly caught a strange image of him. It was a flash, but I recognized it. I looked around at the clouds and then back at him. “Wait a minute. Am I dead?”

“Nooo, dude. But it’s not a dream either.”

I suddenly looked at him with wide eyes, my jaw slacking. “So that means that you’re...”

“The one and only, man.”

I watched as he continued to smile and took a bit of cloud in his hand and it turned into a joint, and before I could question it, he had it in his mouth and was lighting it. “I find it hard to believe that Jesus would smoke weed.”

“Hey, man, my dad made it, and you guys have proven it’s medicinal.”

“Yeah, but I would think that you of all people wouldn’t need medicine.”

“You’re right about that. I only do it when I get bored, which is like, all the time, man. I do really stupid things when I get bored.”

“You? Do stupid things? I seriously doubt that.”

“What, like dying for everyone’s sins wasn’t stupid? I proved to my father that, what ... that you’re all still a bunch of greedy motherfuckers, who ... take our names in vain all the time! That was the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever done, man. I mean, you guys let the fucking bankers win! But ... it was necessary, you know?” He then took another hit of the joint and offered it to me.

I huffed, but it was more of a laugh as I took the joint from him. It was strange to hear Jesus cuss. “So, what is it that I’ve won?”

“Well, it’s not so much that you’ve won. More like, you were chosen by the hand of fate.”

“What, you mean I have a destiny now?”

“No, nothing like that, dude. Relax. Take a few hits. Have a seat. Would you like to hear some music?”

“I’m good. I just want some more definitive answers. Please.”

“Ah, well, you don’t have to be polite for my sake. And, to be honest, I don’t really care about the whole ‘name in vain’ thing. It really only pisses off my dad.” He giggled at that as I handed him the joint. “But, no more beating around the bush, as they say. You are my one hundred millionth descendant, and as a prize, you have been blessed with a super libido.”

I cocked my head a bit and glared at him. “Considering who it’s coming from, this ‘prize’ doesn’t really fit the theme. What am I supposed to do with a super libido? I mean, if this is real, and you’re really who you say you are, then I guess I should go to church more or something.”

“Look, Danny, we don’t expect you to become an uber-christian over night or to even become religious at all. Going to church doesn’t guarantee that you’ll get to here when you die. It’s all about the choices you make in life. That’s why the Bible reads like stories and not a manual of how to get into heaven. And, like I said, there is no destiny to this. Just use your libido.”

“So, you’re telling me to mess around.”

“Yeah, dude. In fact, we don’t want you to get married.”

“But, I love Lakshmi. I want to marry her, and she doesn’t care if I have sex with other women.”

“I know, man. She’s definitely a keeper. And, hey, get married if you want. You’ve got free will and all, but it’s going to complicate things. It will be harder for you to live the life you need to live with a ball and chain.”

“I thought you said there was no destiny involved.”

“Well, we know what’s going to happen. There are no secrets in heaven.”

“So you know that my mother an—”

“Dude, we all started from incest, so it kind of can’t be a sin. I mean, it is frowned upon, but the worst thing that happens is that you create a life. Back in those days, it was important for us to procreate and propagate the human species. Now, it is important that you carry on my bloodline. It is beginning to dwindle.”

“Huh, so that’s why women seem to not be able to resist having me cum in them.”

“Yeah, dude, that’s part of the power.”

“What other kinds of powers do I have, and how did I get them?”

We continued to pass the joint that never seemed to get smaller as we spoke. “Well, some of the angels and I got together to try and solve the bloodline problem. After some deliberation, and several objections from Castiel, we decided on giving you some powers. You haven’t reached your full potential yet, but you will basically become a sex machine. You will be able to orgasm as many times as you like. Your endurance during sex will know no bounds. Your sperm will never fail, and can even heal a woman’s reproductive system enough to allow them a child, almost no matter how old. And a fair warning, women and men both won’t be able to resist your penis once they’ve seen it, although there are a few like Willow, who can resist this magical charm.”

“Let me get this straight. You want me to go around and make women pregnant? And, why guys? Do you mean gay men?”

“Well, purely straight males and homosexual women won’t succumb to it either, but you’d be surprised at how few of those types there are out there. Most people are heteroflexual at best.” He finished with a laugh.

I nervously laughed along, but it was so a dad joke.

“We’re not making you do anything you don’t want to do. We want you to live your life how you see fit. The opportunities, or women to get pregnant, will present themselves. You just keep doing what you’re doing, man.”

“This all sounds too good to be true. Is there some kind of catch?”

“Only that you can’t tell anyone about it. And, you definitely can’t tell anyone that we had this conversation, ‘cause that’ll just get you locked up.”

“Not even Lakshmi?”

“Sorry, man, no one but you can know. I can make you forget all of this, but I felt like you deserved an explanation. Yet another of Castiel’s objections.”

I sat there for a moment taking a couple of puffs from the joint. I don’t remember sitting down, but my mind didn’t care about that at that point. It was more focused on just about everything else. It was hard to believe how this wasn’t all just a dream. It was definitely visceral for a dream. I remember feeling really high at that point; like, couch-locked high. Much higher than I’ve ever been. I expected the worst, but I felt okay. Better than okay. I gave the man a long look as I passed the joint back to him. Not that I ever expected to meet Jesus, but he surely was a lot different than I had expected. I wasn’t sure what to make of all of this.

Jesus took a long hit of the joint and looked back at me. “You need proof, don’t you?” he asked, squinting his eyes at me through the smoke.

“I... “ I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I felt like if I said, ‘yes’ that it would insult him.

“It’s okay, man, I get it. Most people never accept the fact that I’m Jesus. They always want me to perform some kind of miracle for proof. How can I prove it to you?” Until that point, he had always sounded laid back, but there was a hint of annoyance when he asked me that.

I raised my eyebrows in thought, trying to think of what would work. I thought about asking to meet God, but even then I knew it could still be a dream. I even thought about asking to see my dad, however, I knew that still wouldn’t prove anything to me. I had to see ... me. “I want to see me.”

Jesus smirked and tilted his head back. “Dude, no one has ever asked that. Why you?”

“Well, I figure the only way to prove that this isn’t a dream, is for you to show me myself. If this is really heaven, then I wouldn’t be able to be here in physical form.”

“Wow, Man, you’re like so spot on. You’re pretty smart for fourteen.”

“Actually, I think it was an episode of Space Trek that I watched with my dad that made me think of it.”

Jesus chuckled at that. “Now, your step-dad. He’s a smart cookie.”

“Is he ... up here?”

“Of course. dude, your step-dad’s a saint compared to most. Would you like to see him?”

I was shocked at the offer, but I had to get proof first. “Me first.”

“Alright, dude.”

In an instant we went from chilling in the clouds to sitting on the bed in the back of Vicky’s van. We were still on the interstate, and Lakshmi was draped over the front seat where my body laid. I gave Jesus a smirk before I walked over to get a first-hand look at my body. Lakshmi was combing her fingers through my short hair staring at me longingly. It made my heart smile to see her like that, but I also felt a bit guilty for spying. “You can’t blame me for wanting to marry her ... I mean, look at her. She’s infatuated ... and, so am I.”